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jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 12:49 PM
In an effort to change the somewhat bitter tone of recent threads, I propose a new topic that I think will give everyone a smile and reason for good natured jocularity.

Imagine a virtual pit into which your college mascot, starved and abused into a snarling rage, is slowly hoisted down to fight to the death with my college mascot.

In the first of such grudge matches, a gelded Texas longhorn, still bleeding from its evacuated sack, but relatively huge in size, and with pointy horns gleaming, is loaded onto a winch and slowly but surely cranked down into the pit where awaits...

its worst nightmare.

The fierce killing machine that is the Michigan wolverine, pound for pound the meanest and most rapacious species of rodentia the earth has ever known.

Alas, before the straps can even be removed from the pathetic cow, my wolverine has eviscerated it and made a fine snack of its entrails.

Next?

I invited you to hoist your own college mascot down into the arena where it shall quickly join the carcass of the cow.

(Guys! Isn't this fun!!!!)

Chicken of the Sea
July 9th, 2009, 01:04 PM
Can I throw in the Sydney University Women's Rugby team?
http://www.sydneyuniwomen.rugbynet.com.au/verve/_resources/IMG_2785_(Large).jpg

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 01:24 PM
I concede. The wolverine is now toast. The next mascot that descends into the pit must fight Sydney's finest women's rugby players. While not tripping over the carcass of a wolverine stuffed with Texas veal.

some_girl
July 9th, 2009, 01:34 PM
Giant brown bear. Razor teeth; razor claws. The T. Rex of the forest. Done.

ALM
July 9th, 2009, 01:38 PM
The advantage to having attended a school with a mythical mascot is that I can assert that it would be stronger and more ferocious than any mere Longhorn (or Wolverine), and no one can dispute that statement.

If the might of a mascot is measured by the variety and volume of commercial merchandise emblazoned with its image, then the Kansas Jayhawk’s superiority is clearly established. In these parts, there is nothing that cannot be purchased with the imprint of the ever-smiling mascot.

Being a fan of large rodentia, however, I do admit an ever-so-slight amount of regret in not having attended a school with the mighty Capybara for its mascot...

qbrain
July 9th, 2009, 01:40 PM
I had two schools and two mascots, but neither make for a good contest.

First, a Tartan! Yes, try to kill a plaid, it just cannot be done.

Second, a comet, which would toast a rugby team (or freeze them depending on your astrophysics background).

Still, both are boring when it comes to blood and guts competition.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 01:55 PM
As referee, here is where we are at this point:

Wolverine eats Longhorn.

Rugby players kill Wolverine.

Hormonal cycle of rugby players shifts slightly, and rage gives way to self doubt and weepiness.

Bear makes quick work of weeping Aussies, but then gets sick. Apparently cannot stomach too much seafood.

Jayhawk pecks eyes out of nauseated bear, not out of mean-spiritedness but because it hungers for the salt. Blinded bear collides with pit wall, killing itself.

Tartan sheet slowly drifts down, smothering Jayhawk.

Comet lands on plaid sheet and destroys it by heat or ice crystals. Either way, the comet fills up the pit.

Unless a Wisconsin badger comes along soon to dig up a new death match arena, the erstwhile pit becomes the grave for all the college mascots who entered it, cocky bastards one and all, who ever thought that a winner might emerge from such nasty business!

pwb
July 9th, 2009, 01:58 PM
Jim, since you took down my precious Longhorn in post #1, let me offer up the Badger (grad school) to take down your wolverine, the Sydney women's rugby team, comets, and little imaginary birds from Kansas. Now, the opinions on the badger are varied, but my unbiased interpretations of these highly researched links says the Badger wins


http://en.allexperts.com/q/Interspecies-Conflict-3754/2008/1/Badger-vs-Wolverine-1.htm
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Wolverine_vs_honey_badger_which_is_stronger (I'm not exactly sure which brand of badger, aside from 'Bucky,' is the actual badger immortalized in Madison)
http://www.lastcombat.com/Wolverine_vs_Badger.html

BillS
July 9th, 2009, 02:18 PM
I tried to rouse my Viking to participate, but as is the wont of Vikings everywhere, he appeared to be far too hung over to be of any use, no doubt resulting from a late bacchanal with the briefly victorious but now inexplicably weepy and hormonal rugby players of questionable sexuality.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 02:18 PM
Patrick,

This really gave me a full-bodied, post-prandial, digestive chuckle. For those of you who did not check out Patrick's links, the first one begins:

Question
QUESTION: If a healthy, satiated North American Badger were placed in a confined space with a healthy, satiated North American Wolverine, and a fight to the death ensued... which animal would come out alive?

ANSWER: Hi, Bill

Wolverine vs Badger: The Wolverine would win.

--------------------

Of course, in this case, the wolverine is dead already, so the only thing the Badger has to do to be the current winner is dig up the comet, and perhaps eat the remains of all those buried underneath its intergalactic bulk.

I stipulate that the Badger has, in fact, successfully done so, and I furthermore proclaim that thanks to its wondrous-wicked digging claws, the contest has not ended, in fact, not missed a beat.

Right now, a corpse-stuffed Badger named Bucky sits and digests at the bottom of a once again evacuated death match pit of mascots.

Who will enter the arena to try his odds against the snarling if offal-glutted Bucky?

Maui Mike
July 9th, 2009, 02:20 PM
Not sure how long they'd last in the king of the pit death match, but for gruesome points let's not overlook the San Diego State Aztecs --- rip the beating heart right out of your chest!

Speedo
July 9th, 2009, 02:21 PM
http://media.photobucket.com/image/college%20of%20charleston%20cougar/jtrabert/ST286FT1.jpg

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 02:23 PM
Bill's drunken Viking, wondering about in a daze, feels nature's call, urinates into what appears to him to be a giant natural toilet, gets dizzy, and tumbles inside, his fall cushioned by a piss-marinaded badger, which, alas, does not fare nearly so well, its angry little skull split open by the Viking's horned hat.

Thus perches now a new and triumphant college mascot: a passed-out Viking who has little idea where he is, but if he had to hazard a guess, would probably say the bowl of a giant toilet in the woods.

Who dares to take on such an opponent?

Maui Mike
July 9th, 2009, 02:27 PM
Banana Slugs (from Santa Cruz) --- really just giant maggots --- will laugh last.

Knightswimmer2
July 9th, 2009, 02:28 PM
Well now see I have two mascots...none that would survive.

First I would have to throw out the chaparral

https://room42.wikispaces.com/file/view/chaparral_bird.jpg

It maybe small, it maybe weak, but it can run and hide with the best of them.

Then we can bring in its protector...covered in armor, its the knights who say ni

http://athletics.internetconsult.com/sidearm_files/logos/gliac/KnightColor.jpg

:cane:

BillS
July 9th, 2009, 02:32 PM
a passed-out Viking who has little idea where he is, but if he had to hazard a guess, would probably say the bowl of a giant toilet in the woods.



As an aside, I think you just inadvertently summarized my entire college experience, which was spent doing hard time at Augustana College in Rock Island, Illinois.

Carry on.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 02:38 PM
The challengers are coming too fast to keep up with. I will try to address them in order.

The Aztecs sacrifice the drunken Viking in an East meets West Ragnarok that does not end well for the East.

The Cougar beast, in what may be its final ovulatory cycle, pounces upon the Aztecs, and proceeds to dispatch the young Aztec warriors to perdition via its voracious sexual appetite that takes and takes and takes but gives nothing in return but the horrible taste of an aging southern belle with claws.

After the train its pulled, the Cougar can barely walk. But at this point, at least, she remains the winner...

jroddin
July 9th, 2009, 02:43 PM
Jim,

Could a (Lehigh) engineer armed with a sliderule (and pocket protector) somehow calculate his way out of the pit and declare himself the victor?

And then the U of M marching band (still in the stands shocked with disbelief over the rugby incident) could first play a memorial salute to the fallen wolverine and then belt out a new version of Hail to the Victor in honor of the blushing young lad not used to the spotlight (but fortunately the tape on his glasses partially obscures his discomfort).

Or maybe not.

The Fortress
July 9th, 2009, 02:50 PM
Jim,

Could a (Lehigh) engineer armed with a sliderule (and pocket protector) somehow calculate his way out of the pit and declare himself the victor?

And then the U of M marching band (still in the stands shocked with disbelief over the rugby incident) could first play a memorial salute to the fallen wolverine and then belt out a new version of Hail to the Victor in honor of the blushing young lad not used to the spotlight (but fortunately the tape on his glasses partially obscures his discomfort).

Or maybe not.

Hurray for nerds. I was one too, though not in your uber-nerdy field.

I think my mascot can do serious damage to you all.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 02:52 PM
Cougar attempts to insert banana slug into her yoohoo, gets toxic shock, dies.

Inexperienced Knight happens upon Cougar corpse, checks to see if anyone is looking, then sheepishly puts his sword into her "scabbard" --(note: a reference to the actual fact that the word for scabbard in the original latin is vagina), pulls out banana slug, decides it looks kind of good and eats it.

Little devilish engineer comes along and introduces the Knight to the Age of Enlightenment, which immediately dispatches the mythical hero to legend status, that is to say, death.

Who shall attempt to mess with an Engineering Enlightener in all his Terrible and Pocket-Protected Rationality?

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 02:55 PM
Irradiated Dartmouth Indian scalps Engineer with his own slide rule, then places heavily convoluted prefrontal matter in nerd's front pocket, saying, "Protect this, keemosabe!."

knelson
July 9th, 2009, 02:56 PM
I think Mr. Roddin is cheating. This is about mascots, after all, and Lehigh's mascot is the "Mountain Hawk." Hell, knights train hawks to hunt! Even if the hawk turns on the knight, what are her talons going to do against the knight's suit of armor? :)

And Jim's scabbard reference reminded me of something I saw on the Wikipedia home page today. I don't want to give anything away, but take a look at their "Featured Article" today!

jim clemmons
July 9th, 2009, 03:01 PM
...drunken Viking, wondering about in a daze, feels nature's call, urinates into what appears to him to be a giant natural toilet, gets dizzy, and tumbles inside, his fall cushioned by a piss-marinaded...

...a passed-out Viking who has little idea where he is, but if he had to hazard a guess, would probably say the bowl of a giant toilet in the woods.



Ah, the good old days...I kinda remember some of them.

:blush:

Tim L
July 9th, 2009, 03:02 PM
Well, we are going to throw multiple mascots at you. First we will start out with a masked rider who is going to terrible things to your mascot with his finger at high speed (there is a reason why he wears a mask):

http://big12football.net/texastechmascot.html

Then, if there is anything left of your mascot, our cartoon character mascot (Raider Red) with guns a blazing is going to take care of it:

http://www.ttu.edu/traditions/raiderred.php

If there is anything left, then this guy will make you never want to wander into these parts again:

YouTube - texas tech bell ringer

....only in West Texas.

Tim

jroddin
July 9th, 2009, 03:02 PM
(edit: when I graduated in 1991 our official mascot was the Engineer. Sometime in the late 90s or early 2000s the Mountain Hawk somehow came into existence.)

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 03:15 PM
The three Texas Tech mascots, known privately as "the embarrassment squad," jump into the pit, squashing the Indian.

The chapparal bird, incredibly cute road runner-like crested snake-eater, who somehow managed to escape notice earlier, skittles into the pit, scaring the life out of the "embarrassment squad", so weakened by a life of being laughingstocks that they die happily, might I even say gratefully for the dispatch.

The little chapparal bird skitters about, pecking triumphantly....for now.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 03:17 PM
Brief digression:

I, too, will not divulge the full subject matter of today's featured Wikipedia article earlier referenced by USMS intellectual and scholar, Knelson.

But here is a hint:

(pronounced /ˈɡroʊpkʌnt ˈleɪn/) was a street name found in English towns and cities during the Middle Ages, believed to be a reference to the prostitution centred on those areas; it was normal practice for a medieval street name to reflect the street's function or the economic activity taking place within it.

Peter Cruise
July 9th, 2009, 03:32 PM
Jim- the unofficial mascot of USMS Forums, the dreaded "Masters Swimmer acting like a Triathlete" would savage any of the pussies thus far nominated...

Maui Mike
July 9th, 2009, 03:35 PM
Jim- the unofficial mascot of USMS Forums, the dreaded "Masters Swimmer acting like a Triathlete" would savage any of the pussies thus far nominated...

Not fair if they wear a tech suit.

Couroboros
July 9th, 2009, 03:48 PM
Our mascot is a conquistador. Technically, a "Don", I suppose.

BillS
July 9th, 2009, 04:17 PM
And Jim's scabbard reference reminded me of something I saw on the Wikipedia home page today. I don't want to give anything away, but take a look at their "Featured Article" today!

Wow, yet another reference to the good old college daze! This is an important article; I highly recommend it to all.

jim thornton
July 9th, 2009, 04:20 PM
Jim- the unofficial mascot of USMS Forums, the dreaded "Masters Swimmer acting like a Triathlete" would savage any of the pussies thus far nominated...


SPEAKING OF WHICH: THIS JUST IN! BUFFANEG EXPOSED IN FULLY AUTHENTICATED PHOTO!

http://forums.usms.org/blog.php?b=4334

orca1946
July 9th, 2009, 04:36 PM
My Redbird can out fly those grubby ground animals all day !!

hnatkin
July 9th, 2009, 04:46 PM
I have 3:
1) Ephman (named after the founder of Williams College) probably wouldn't do much damage, nor would the affectionately adopted purple cow that has unofficially taken Eph's place
2) Longhorn. This one has already been talked through, but I also recall that some A&M aggies kidnapped bevo and served him up as BBQ at some point in history...
3) Cardinal. Not sure the color red can do much damage. However, the unofficial mascot, the Stanford Tree (in the form of a giant Sequoia) could certainly do some damage were it to fall on and crush any number of the mascots listed in the above posts.

frankiej
July 9th, 2009, 07:14 PM
Good thing my college mascot would never be in a pit.

Brockport Golden Eagles. So it would be hoovering around the other mascots and taunting them.

KEWebb18
July 9th, 2009, 07:56 PM
I believe that my college (and graduate school) mascots would be at the bottom of the pit, all but the exception of one:
1) the Bulldog, who would no doubt try to sniff, solely out of curiousity, the Longhorn (In the 1600s, bulldogs were used for bullbaiting (as well as bearbaiting)--a gambling sport popular in the 17th century with wagers laid while trained bulldogs leapt at a bull lashed to a post. The bulldog's typical means of attack included latching onto the animal's snout and attempted to suffocate it) only to be destroyed by any of the aforementioned animals.
2) The Cavalier or Wahoo (a fish which can drink a lot), depending on who you ask would be useless
3) The Hoosier, which is an awkward, unhandy, or unskilled person; especially: an ignorant rustic, in most cases the most likely one NOT to be found at the bottom of the pit, likely because he/she had NO IDEA where the pit was even located.

Hence the Hoosier, out of sheer ignorance, sits blissfully unaware of the battle for Mascot Supremacy.

gigi
July 9th, 2009, 09:20 PM
Are guns allowed? If so, the UMass Minuteman could clean up at this little party.
Unarmed, though...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/ee/UMassMinutemen.png

Lump
July 9th, 2009, 11:47 PM
Well, my mascot was born to be in a pit and is probably where pit fighting started, but I don't think I'd far well against most mascots!

S. Carolina Gamecocks

some_girl
July 10th, 2009, 01:14 AM
Yoohoo, Jim? Yoohoo?! You have children. You can do better than that.

knelson
July 10th, 2009, 01:22 AM
the Stanford Tree (in the form of a giant Sequoia)

The horticulturist in me can't help but point out that it's a coast redwood (sequoia sempervirens) and not a giant sequoia (sequoiadendron giganteum).

My college mascot probably couldn't take down Bucky the Badger, but he just might have the largest head of any mascot: http://spartantailgate.com/images/photos/080318_sparty_wii.gif

Iwannafly
July 10th, 2009, 03:28 AM
For all you Bucky fans, I found this interesting article (http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090709/od_nm/us_germany_badger_odd_2) about a drunk badger (a real life drunk badger).

srcoyote
July 10th, 2009, 05:45 AM
3) Cardinal. Not sure the color red can do much damage. However, the unofficial mascot, the Stanford Tree (in the form of a giant Sequoia) could certainly do some damage were it to fall on and crush any number of the mascots listed in the above posts.

Let's not forget that our beloved mascot actually comes in the form of a drunken, gyrating crazy tree that at the very least is capable of misdemeanor-like destruction. 2 hours and that Wolverine is under the table (tho, I wouldn't want to face a Wolverine with a hangover).

Leonard Jansen
July 10th, 2009, 06:33 AM
The Penn State Nittany Lion (grad school) uses the pit as a litter box and then covers it over, like a good cat, burying all the pretenders in the pit. Then calmly sets about cleaning his fur.

-LBJ

swimmieAvsFan
July 10th, 2009, 08:17 AM
The Penn State Nittany Lion (grad school) uses the pit as a litter box and then covers it over, like a good cat, burying all the pretenders in the pit. Then calmly sets about cleaning his fur.

-LBJ

we win!

thanks for the amusing visual LBJ :)