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SwiminONandON
May 13th, 2005, 11:45 AM
Wish I could either take credit for this, or give the proper credit for this ... but enjoy nonetheless ...


A BREASTSTROKER'S PERSPECTIVE.....


FREESTYLE


Oh yes, let us begin with the aquatic F-word, Freestyle. Truly a dull and
unimaginative stroke. Left arm, right arm, left kick ,right kick. We detect a pattern here. What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of repetition? Clomp, clomp, clomp. Freestyle is an elephant's stroke, all apologies to elephants. It is a stroke for people who stop at yellow lights and excel at algebra. Informal polling has led us to conclude that, to a person, freestyler's prefer Macintosh to Windows, Kenny G to Miles Davis and day to night. Coaches wanting to see eyes literally bug out of sockets need only move a freestyler to the breaststroke lane. Yes, Virginia, there is more to life than catch-up drills and flutter kick.


Breaststroker's recommendation: Use this stroke for warmups only.



BACKSTROKE



We have many questions to ask of the world's backstrokers. First, what is the matter with you? That's right, you heard us. What is your problem? Do you not realize that you are upside down? Does light not shine in your sinister eyes? Are you reptiles with a second pair of eyelids, opaque in nature, that protect you from the sun's rays? Speaking of eyes, what about the ones in the backs of your heads, allowing you to spot the wall? Is it true that you can see through Speedos? And what of your start...crouched in front of the blocks as if praying to your "god." Who sent you to Earth? What have you done with Elvis? And why, when you grab at our private parts in practice, do you pretend that it is an accident?


Breaststroker's recommendation: Skip this one altogether; it is wholly unnatural.


BUTTERFLY


Good Lord. When will this most violent of strokes be committed to an insane
asylum? With a recovery that emphasizes arms outstretched and hurling
dangerously through the air, we wonder how many more breaststrokers have to be smacked across the face by an errant flier's paw before this experiment gone awry is canceled. Butterfly is a bad seed, borne out of breaststroke and mistakenly given its own place in the medley relay. The loud uncle of swimming, butterfly boorishly hogs the remote control, making all the other strokes watch football on Thanksgiving Day. We cannon help but think that witnessing butterfly is like babysitting spoiled child who constantly screams, "look at me!" Enough, butterfliers, enough. It's time to grow up. You are making a scene. You are hereby grounded to your room, where you shall consume copious amounts of Ritalin and think about the turbulent waves your savage dolphin kicking has caused decent, hardworking breaststrokers.


Breaststroker's recommendation: Swim only if you want to scare little kids out of your lane.


BREASTSTROKE


Breaststroke is all that is noble and good in this cruel world. It is the most subtle of strokes. Unlike its neanderthal brethren, breaststroke has refined tastes. It reads the New Yorker and paints abstracts with oil. It hates both Demi Moore movies and the first half and last fourth of the IM. Breaststroke, we suspect, enjoys a martini now and again. (Contrast this with the alcoholic butterfly, which pounds Budweisers from cans, shoplifted from a 7-11). It soothes the inner beast and acts as a gentle
tonic on a troubled heart. In fact, whenever we use our upgrade coupons to fly first class, just thinking about breaststroke drowns out the moaning of the rabble back in coach. Breaststroke, you see, is in harmony with the universe; its pull and kick chase one another in playful symmetry. And if that weren't enough, breaststroke also boasts the crown jewel of competitive swimming, the pulldown. Comprised of a long sinewy pull followed by a spry frog kick, the pulldown is a holy moment of shrouded watery silence. Breaststrokers go to chapel during the pulldown, (often giving thanks that they are not backstrokers), and break to the surface only when their brave lungs are nearly burst. We have yet to see the fishkick or streamline that invokes such spiritual repose. Breaststroke is Yin and Yang, Rum and Coke, and the Captain and Tennille.

Man does not go to breaststroke, man waits for breaststroke to come to him.


Amen, brothers and sisters.


Breaststroker's recommendation: Join Us!

matysekj
May 13th, 2005, 11:56 AM
This is from Laurie Kilmartin's site - the original can be found at http://www.kilmartin.com/swimming/fourstrokes.html. Laurie Kilmartin is a stand-up comedian and a Masters swimmer. I've seen her on Comedy Central a few times - she's funny. It would be great to book her at some event where we will all be some time - nationals, convention, etc.

scyfreestyler
May 13th, 2005, 12:19 PM
This lady cracks me up! I posted a link to her site here before. She has a plethora of pool reviews as well that are pretty hillarious.

breastroker
May 13th, 2005, 01:20 PM
Come on now. There is nothing funny here, just the truth.

Breaststroke is like a good 50 year old single malt scotch wiskey, smooth with refinement. And I like to think it is more like Andrea Bocelli than Janice Joplin.

Fishgrrl
May 13th, 2005, 01:21 PM
Excuse me Wayne...may I ask what in the heck is wrong with Janis Joplin..???? ;)

Jeff Commings
May 13th, 2005, 01:48 PM
I agree with all of this, except that I love backstroke and have no qualms about the stroke.

It's very true about butterfly, though. It seems to get all the glory that breaststroke never, ever gets.

Just because we swim the slowest stroke doesn't mean we should be relegated to the kids table.

In fact, the breaststroke's placement in the IM suggests how important it is to learn. The 3rd 50 (or 100) is going to be the hardest, and anyone who can master this stroke stands a chance of getting their hand on the wall first at the end of the race.

I will always be a breaststroker. Even if it damn near gives me a heart attack in workout.

Tom Ellison
May 13th, 2005, 02:03 PM
Kari..I 2nd that question about Janis.....

SwiminONandON
May 13th, 2005, 02:09 PM
I think it's hysterical ... and I am NOT a breaststroker ... I love the parts about fly in general, and I love the line, Yes, Virginia there is more to life than flutter kick and catch-up drills ...

Fishgrrl
May 13th, 2005, 02:14 PM
Thank you Tom. I an strange kind of way, I think she's sexy as hell. Right up there with Jim Morrison.

So...wonder what strokes he would swim?? :p

I'm sure it would be butterfly, as long as the pool was filled with Jack Daniels.

SwiminONandON
May 13th, 2005, 02:24 PM
Much love to Morrison and The Doors ... good stuff ...

Now if the Beatles were to have assembled a medley relay who would swim each stroke?

Yardbird
May 13th, 2005, 02:56 PM
Fly -- Ringo the showboat
Back -- George the quiet type
Breast -- John the thinker
Free -- Paul the pretty boy

SwiminONandON
May 13th, 2005, 03:01 PM
Yeah, poor Ringo was always stuck in the back, he needs the limelight of fly!

I think you hit the nail on the head.... I don't like how everyone makes out breaststroke to be the thinking man's stroke or the smarth persons stroke ... whatever!

Yardbird
May 13th, 2005, 03:24 PM
John got breaststroke 'cause he was my favorite Beatle and breaststroke is my favorite stroke! :D

Kimberlie Streed
May 13th, 2005, 03:56 PM
I have to go along with John as the breastroker, later in life he lived with grace and elegance. I liken grace and elegence with breastroke and that's what I'm striven for in my long breastroke glide.

some_girl
May 13th, 2005, 04:11 PM
That link is great. She really nails the NYC pools (including the disastrous problem of having only 20 lanes in the entire city for 20 million New Yorkers), so I would trust the other reviews.

(It's missing my pool, though. Sigh.)

breastroker
May 13th, 2005, 05:05 PM
Fishgirl,
Nothing wrong with Janis, it's just a different voice in clarity. Heck in 40+ years, Bob Dylan only sang one song I could understand, Lay lady Lay. It came out in 1969 when I was 21 and horny.

I could imagine Elvis being a good butterflier:D

Madona?

Now Fred Astair would have been a good breaststroker!

For all us breaststrokers, what song is in your head before the race, and especially during pulldowns?

Before a BIG Race, it's Pavoriti in Nesum Dorma, "I will win"
during the race it can be anything like "I Love LA" " Big Nasty Redhead by my side!" to as mellow as "Amazing Grace" when I am doing a 200 short course and want to get 13-15 yards off of each turn. Some ZZ Top is great for the 50 breast:cool:

Scansy
May 13th, 2005, 05:08 PM
Originally posted by breastroker
...It came out in 1969 when I was 21 and horny.
...

I hope that wasn't the only time.:eek:

Peter Cruise
May 13th, 2005, 05:12 PM
Wayne...is there something else here that you advocate holding your breath while doing?

SwiminONandON
May 13th, 2005, 05:18 PM
Bob Dylan is the man, don't mess with Bob Dylan ... back in the day he was totally understandable, currently not so much, but he is the man ... one of the best lyricists of the 20th century!

breastroker
May 13th, 2005, 11:51 PM
1969 was a great year. Romeo and Juliet was the best date movie to come along in years. I had just spent 9 weeks in US Navy bootcamp, no women for 9 weeks:mad:

So I had to make up for all that time, plus some:D And yes Peter.

We landed on the moon in July, it was the first year of the "Free Love" era, I got to see a Michigan State football game, spent a lot of time in Milwaukee where beer was $1.48 for a CASE of GREAT beer! And summerfest in Milwaukee and West Allis had more well endowed women than I had ever seen.

So many women, so little time.

The amazing thing for me was, I had to stop swimming because of a bad knee in 1967. By 1969 I was a junior with half a dozen majors and now 1A, draftable! I was rock hard that year, 28 inch waist with wide shoulders. 1970 I was in Nuclear Power school, still able to win the 200 meters butterfly for 12th naval district. I tried my best in the 200 breast, went out fast and died like a dog.
Probably too much "Proud Mary". I was smooth in the fly, pounded the breaststroke. Should have been the otherway around but had not had a swim meet for a couple of years.

Scansy
May 14th, 2005, 06:56 AM
Originally posted by breastroker
1969 was a great year. Romeo and Juliet was the best date movie to come along in years. I had just spent 9 weeks in US Navy bootcamp, no women for 9 weeks:mad:

So I had to make up for all that time, plus some:D And yes Peter.

We landed on the moon in July, it was the first year of the "Free Love" era, I got to see a Michigan State football game, spent a lot of time in Milwaukee where beer was $1.48 for a CASE of GREAT beer! And summerfest in Milwaukee and West Allis had more well endowed women than I had ever seen.

So many women, so little time.

The amazing thing for me was, I had to stop swimming because of a bad knee in 1967. By 1969 I was a junior with half a dozen majors and now 1A, draftable! I was rock hard that year, 28 inch waist with wide shoulders. 1970 I was in Nuclear Power school, still able to win the 200 meters butterfly for 12th naval district. I tried my best in the 200 breast, went out fast and died like a dog.
Probably too much "Proud Mary". I was smooth in the fly, pounded the breaststroke. Should have been the otherway around but had not had a swim meet for a couple of years.

Hey, one other thing about 1969 - I was born!

Of course, some would say that makes it a not so good year.....:(

breastroker
May 14th, 2005, 09:02 AM
Hey, I had nothing to do with that:p

And it should make it easy for you to remember when men first landed on the moon.

So many of todays generation don't know history, or geography, or political science.

Seagurl51
May 14th, 2005, 10:34 AM
Wayne, you forgot Woodstock.

breastroker
May 14th, 2005, 12:20 PM
But I am the only one alive during that period that was not at Woodstock.

Now I was at Filmore West in 1969 and 1970, so much smoke you couldn't see across the room. Oh, that wasn't smoke:D