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quicksilver
June 23rd, 2007, 09:55 AM
A Math Problem




A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:


"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.


I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be back home before midnight."


When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table:


"To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know I am a math teacher at our local college.


I would like to inform you that while you read this I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.


As a successful businessman with an excellent knowledge of math you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference; 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.




Therefore I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

quicksilver
June 23rd, 2007, 10:00 AM
Senior Driver by GRANDMA
>
> The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
>if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.
>
>
> I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from
>a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I
>bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
> I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought
>about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had
>changed.
> It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't
>honked, I'd never have noticed.
> ! ;
> I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there,
>the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his
>window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant
>cheerleader he was for the Lord.
>
> Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
>waving and smiling at all these
> loving people.
>
> I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have
>been a man from Florida back there , because I heard him yelling something
>about a
> sunny beach. I saw another man waving in a funny way with only his
>middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the
>back seat what that meant, he said that it was an Hawaiian good luck sign
>or something.
>
>
> Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and
>gave him the good luck sign back.
>
>
> My grandson burst out laughing; why even he was enjoying this religious
>experience.
>
> A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
>they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
>
> I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
>when I noticed the light had changed. So I waved to all my sisters and
>brothers, smiled at them all, and drove on through the intersection.
>
>
> I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before
>the light changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
>after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of
>the window, and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as
>I drove away.
>
> Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

bud
June 23rd, 2007, 06:25 PM
got a good belly laugh out of "A Math Problem". that is rich. here is one of my quick favorites:



Why there are so few good engineers...

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings.

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up as he goes to meet his maker.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest.

They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up.

They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"


...

quicksilver
June 25th, 2007, 11:22 AM
Good one. Got this one in a e-mail...

In and out of puddles


A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.

The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.

He asks the first duck, "What's your name?"

"Huey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Huey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for?"

The bartender said "That's just great", and asks the second duck, "What's your name?"

"Duey," replies the duck.

"So, how's your day been?"

"Oh, I've had a great day," replies Duey. "I've been in and out of puddles all day. What more could a duck ask for!"

The witty bartender says to the third duck, "So I guess your name is Louie?"

The third duck bashfully replies, "No,... I'm Puddles."

thewookiee
June 25th, 2007, 12:04 PM
My luck with dating...now that is a good joke...l:dunno:

Got Boost
June 26th, 2007, 02:00 AM
A Natural Born Salesman


A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Texas and goes
to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking
for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how
you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through
it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20
to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65".

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger
fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him
where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a Twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook
And you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons
for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you
should go fishing."


Hope this does not offend. But like Larry the Cable Guy says, I don't care who you are that funny.

Got Boost

3strokes
June 26th, 2007, 12:54 PM
This one is too good not to share (bold is my emphasis).

I've just received one (of maybe twenty or so per day) Nigeria-type scam email, where they start by saying:

"Here writes Lady Toreth Hughes, suffering from cancerous ailment. I am married to Sir Richard Hughes an Englishman who is dead..........".

I read this and something made me think of her, being married to him for years and he is (has been) dead (for years).

gull
June 26th, 2007, 08:47 PM
A penguin takes his car into the shop. The mechanic says he'll take a look at it and to come back in an hour. So the penguin goes across the street to get some ice cream. Of course a penguin doesn't have any hands so he makes a mess and gets ice cream all over himself. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic says, "Looks like you've blown a seal." At which point the penguin says, "No, I just had some ice cream."

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 08:56 PM
I've saved a bunch of the jokes that people have sent me over the years. So here goes:
------

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the
meal, the young priest couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely
the housekeeper was.

Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more
between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with
my housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said,
"Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable
to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it
do you?"

The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to
be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that
you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did
not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here."

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young
priest which read: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep
with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with
your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own
bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 08:59 PM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 09:01 PM
There was a competition which challenged the contestants to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race comprised a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled up on the shore and was awarded the second place prize. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so much longer to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those other two girls were using their arms."

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 09:05 PM
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Cindy, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey,now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Cindy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Paul was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Cindy's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 09:07 PM
A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase... in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed: "Put the frickin' beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

ALM
June 26th, 2007, 09:12 PM
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr gerrrr Kiiing."

stingrayswimmer
June 26th, 2007, 09:17 PM
ha thats sp funny

quicksilver
June 26th, 2007, 10:43 PM
Nice joke gull :eek:.
Those were very funny Anna.

Here's a little humor...for the southerners...
------------------------------------------------

Social Tips For Rednecks

1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
4. Even if your certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-Haul to the funeral.


Entertaining In Your Home...

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.


Personal Hygiene...

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.


Theater Etiquette...

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen. Tests have proven that they can't hear you.


Weddings...

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cumberbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.


Driving Etiquette...

1. Dim your lights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.


Dating (outside the family)...

1. Offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 P.M. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

bud
June 27th, 2007, 01:09 PM
The Big Lie

President Clinton noticed a group of boys surrounding a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is a neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the president was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the president was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."


...

bud
June 27th, 2007, 01:22 PM
In Flight Decisions

A doctor, a lawyer, a young boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out.

Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just jumped out of the airplane with my back pack."

....

bud
June 27th, 2007, 01:24 PM
Telephone Pole Installers

There was a Minnesota phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said, "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift the Irish guys, Pat & Mike, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later the Norwegian guys, Ole & Sven, came back in and were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?" Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, ve got three in." The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!" "Yah," said Ole, "but you should see how much dey left stickin' outta da ground!"


....

poolraat
June 28th, 2007, 01:58 PM
Old people problems

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

FindingMyInnerFish
June 28th, 2007, 02:59 PM
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river."

Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

Sorry, guys, couldn't resist! :joker:

SwimStud
June 28th, 2007, 03:19 PM
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river."

Suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

Sorry, guys, couldn't resist! :joker:

Did you really want to go there? I mean I am heavily armed with the sexist jokes ya know...

poolraat
June 28th, 2007, 05:17 PM
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
One of the guests asked, "What's with that big brass gong?"
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yep," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,
"You jackass, it's ten past three in the morning!"

The Fortress
June 28th, 2007, 06:18 PM
The Real Story of Eve:

Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"
"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. He'll be bigger and faster than you and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord?"

"Well,.....you can have him on one condition."
"And what's that Lord? "

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring .... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. It will have to be our little secret...
you know, woman to woman."

swim4me
June 28th, 2007, 07:14 PM
Fort - that was really good, but you have now let the secret out :rofl::rofl::rofl:

SwimStud
June 29th, 2007, 08:19 AM
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop asked, "Analogue?"
I said "No, just a watch."

3strokes
June 29th, 2007, 10:49 AM
Two very competitive executives (who really hated each other's guts) are out playing golf when they find a magic lamp. They rub it and the genie comes out and says, "Seeing as how you both liberated me, I shall grant only one of you -the one who picked me up first- a wish. However, the other will get double."
The first man quickly says, "Please remove one of my testicles."

3strokes
June 29th, 2007, 10:52 AM
Three men marooned on a desert island find a magic lamp.

The genie will grant each of them one wish.

The first man wishes he were back home with his family and "poof" he's gone.

The second man wishes he were back home with his family and "poof" he's gone.

The third man sighs and says, "I'm feeling so lonely without these guys. I wish they were back here with me!"

Michael Heather
June 30th, 2007, 01:48 AM
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy the daily paper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the h*ll, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this she says, "Okay ... How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's"

bud
June 30th, 2007, 10:06 AM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

Then the waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big a** and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


...

3strokes
June 30th, 2007, 10:29 AM
Plagiarized from The Fortress (with some poetic justice editing by 3Strokes)


The Real Story of Eve:

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Adam?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Adam, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a woman for you."

"Woman? What is that Lord?"

"An unflawed creature, with many good traits. She'll not nag, not talk incessantly and be modest; all in all, she'll give you a great time. She'll be as big and as fast as you and will NOT shop for hours nor spend all your money. I'll create her in such a way that she will satisfy your physical needs (when she doesn't have headaches). She will be level-headed and compromising and you'll always be able to win an argument with her, and she will NOT revel in nice bright shiny things like gold and jewelry. She will treat you like a Lord and Master and will never tell you what to do, specially when you already know how to solve the problem."

"Sounds great," says Adam, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the catch Lord? That perfect a creature must be very expensive."

"Well,.....you can have her for a price."
"And what's that Lord? "

"It'll cost you an arm and a leg and a lung and a testicle."

"That much!", said Adam. "What can I have for just one rib, instead?"

quicksilver
June 30th, 2007, 10:42 AM
Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a woman sitting by herself:

Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"



Woman: "No, thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."



Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"



Woman: "No, they spread."

quicksilver
June 30th, 2007, 10:45 AM
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.



The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?


The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Seagurl51
July 2nd, 2007, 10:10 AM
There's a blonde who decides one day that she needs a little more adventure in her life, so she decides to take up horseback riding.

The day finally comes and she approaches the horse nervously. She's never done this before. She pets him and strokes him before climbing on and he takes off at a gentle trot. Soon the blonde finds her rythm and everything is going good. She trots along when suddenly she feels herself starting to slip sideways in the saddle. She grabs onto the horn and trys to pull herself up, but loses her grip. Now she's almost fully out of the saddle. She's grabbing wildly at the horses mane and saddle, all the while the ground is pounding beneath her as the horse runs on unphased. She slips a little farther and hits her head on the ground. Now she's in and out and before she passes out completely the Wal-Mart runs over and unplugs the horse.

Seagurl51
July 2nd, 2007, 10:16 AM
I heard somewhere that this has been determined to be the funniest joke in the world:


There's two men hunting in the woods of New Jersey. They're walking along the trail when one of the men slips and falls. He falls down a small hill and hits his head hard on a rock. The other man runs up to him to see if he's ok, but he's unconscious and appears to be dead. So he calls 9-11 on his cell phone. The operator answers, "What's the emergency?"

"It's my friend. I think he's dead?"

"Sir, are you sure he's dead."

"Hold on, let me check."

The man puts down the phone and the operator hears a loud bang.

"Yea, he's dead. What do I do now?!"

Michael Heather
July 3rd, 2007, 01:03 AM
At dawn the telephone rings:



"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."


"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"



"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."


"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"


"Si, Senor,that's the one."


"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"


"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"



"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"



"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire"

"What the hell??.. Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made R7 460 Driver."


SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE...............


"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!"

geochuck
July 3rd, 2007, 08:16 AM
This one is too good not to share (bold is my emphasis).

I've just received one (of maybe twenty or so per day) Nigeria-type scam email, where they start by saying:

"Here writes Lady Toreth Hughes, suffering from cancerous ailment. I am married to Sir Richard Hughes an Englishman who is dead..........".

I read this and something made me think of her, being married to him for years and he is (has been) dead (for years).

I have replied to many and have been promised great amounts of money. I can't wait they are going to put it into my savings account. If it comes soon I will treat all master swimmers to a wonderful all expences paid trip. Start packing the money is supposed to arrive soon.

3strokes
July 3rd, 2007, 12:39 PM
I have replied to many and have been promised great amounts of money. I can't wait they are going to put it into my savings account. If it comes soon I will treat all master swimmers to a wonderful all expences paid trip. Start packing the money is supposed to arrive soon.

When I have free time on my hands (rare, but it happens) I love replying to them, make them think they've hooked a live one and haggle for my share (I ask for a larger percentage or tell them that I'm newly arrived in this country, without a bank account and that I can't open one with the undeclared money I've managed to smuggle out of my original country, but if they send me some money, as if it were an inheritance, then I could open a bank account, deposit -somehow- my cache and then we could be in business. Most of them realize that here is another crook and desist. There were, nevertheless a couple who felt that they really had found a gullible victim and started coaching me on how to try and get money from somebody else, in order to deposit my smuggled (hah!) fortune into an account that they would have access to.)

geochuck
July 3rd, 2007, 12:59 PM
3Strokes we must both think alike. They surely try to get our dough. I fool around with them and have them make some astounding offers. I have told them to even meet with me in Mexico. The 18 year old female millionaire has offered me 50% of her $10,000,000 US if I help her.

gull
July 3rd, 2007, 01:37 PM
A man goes to the doctor. After his exam, the doctor asks to speak to the man's wife alone. He tells her, "Your husband is very, very ill. If you want him to live, this is what you must do. You need to eliminate all stress from his life. Every day, you must cook him three gourmet meals. He should not be allowed to do any housework or chores. And most importantly, you must make passionate love to him several times a day. This is his only chance."

On the ride home, the man asks his wife what the doctor told her. She replies, "He said you're going to die."

scyfreestyler
July 3rd, 2007, 01:45 PM
A man goes to the doctor. After his exam, the doctor asks to speak to the man's wife alone. He tells her, "Your husband is very, very ill. If you want him to live, this is what you must do. You need to eliminate all stress from his life. Every day, you must cook him three gourmet meals. He should not be allowed to do any housework or chores. And most importantly, you must make passionate love to him several times a day. This is his only chance."

On the ride home, the man asks his wife what the doctor told her. She replies, "He said you're going to die."


Is this really a joke or is it your way of sharing a story without breaching confidentiality? :eek:

3strokes
July 3rd, 2007, 02:14 PM
3Strokes we must both think alike. They surely try to get our dough. I fool around with them and have them make some astounding offers. I have told them to even meet with me in Mexico. The 18 year old female millionaire has offered me 50% of her $10,000,000 US if I help her.

You must be luckier than me. All I ever get are very old widows (and some are not even widows, they are married to dead men) who are themselves dying of some sort of cancer (never any other malady). That's apart from the bank managers who have "discovered" unclaimed millions, or the ex-Prime Ministers who have those millions stashed somewhere or the, etc...,etc...,etc...

poolraat
July 3rd, 2007, 04:26 PM
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws."

geochuck
July 4th, 2007, 08:44 AM
Do you think this one is safe,


One of our accounts, with holding balance of $126,000,000
(One Twenty Six Million Dollars) has been dormant and
last operated four years ago.

This transaction is totally free of risk and troubles as
the fund is legitimate and does not originate from drug,
money laundry, terrorism or any other illegal act.

On your interest, let me hear from you.

Regards,

Dr.N.D Carlos

3strokes
July 4th, 2007, 02:19 PM
Do you think this one is safe,


One of our accounts, with holding balance of $126,000,000
(One Twenty Six Million Dollars) has been dormant and
last operated four years ago.



No sounds too pat (round figure). I would more readily believe $126,376,377.58 since a dormant account would have been gathering interest (or incurring maintenance fees).

bud
July 5th, 2007, 11:21 AM
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class! The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shi**y hairdo?


...

bud
July 5th, 2007, 11:27 AM
...

American Health Care

Two patients limp into two different American Medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The first patient sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

The second patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Senior Citizen.

The second is a Golden Retriever.


....


Pet Diagnostics

A man rushes his unconsious parrot into the nearest Vetinary Clinic, screaming for help. The vet hurridly takes him back to an examination room and has him put the bird down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his parrot, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a Tabby cat, and puts the cat down next to the parrot's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the parrot's body and finally looks at the vet, and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your parrot is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his parrot is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador Retriever. The dog sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the dog thinks your parrot is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my parrot is dead?!?!" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab tests."


....


The History of Medicine

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.



....

poolraat
July 5th, 2007, 07:11 PM
The word “Service”

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

geochuck
July 5th, 2007, 08:45 PM
This is a very funny one nothing bad here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C96Hc1m7pRU

geochuck
July 6th, 2007, 08:21 AM
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.




The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

bud
July 6th, 2007, 12:44 PM
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. The Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jews realized they had no choice. They chose a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate - to make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope reluctantly agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite one another for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed at the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers, representing the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my fingers around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me that we had three days to get out. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he said the whole city would be cleared of Jews. I told him we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

....

quicksilver
July 10th, 2007, 09:53 AM
DRINKING WATER
In a number of carefully controlled trials scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day at the end of the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli)
bacteria found in feces. In other words we are consuming 1 kilo of
poop.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop
Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink
water and be full of ****.

geochuck
July 10th, 2007, 10:11 AM
The reason beer was brewed, water was not fit to be drunk. http://www.beermachine.com/files/beer-science-history.htm

I never cosume water unless it has been previously boiled, eg when I drink my coffee it is safe.

My mothers favourite saying when we were kids "You have to eat a peck of dirt before you die" a peck is 15lbs.

Measurement: A Bushel and A Peck

Just for Fun



An old song goes, “I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around your neck, a hug around your neck and a barrel and a heap, a barrel and a heap and I’m talking in my sleep about you …”

Three units of capacity of fruits and grains are in the words to the song. What are they?



A peck is 8 dry quarts: a bushel is 4 pecks or 32 dry quarts; a barrel is 105 dry quarts; a heap is an informal unit meaning a lot.

bud
July 13th, 2007, 09:22 AM
Engineers & Relationships

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

...

Engineers & Choice

Two engineering students met while crossing the campus, one on foot, the other sporting a new bike. The first one asks, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second student replied, "Well, yesterday I was minding my own business and walking along through the campus, just as you are now, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She dropped the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes tossing them down in front of her, threw her arms up in the air and said, 'Take what you want.'" The first engineering student nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

...

Island Engineer

A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island.

Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared.

"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that rowboat?"

"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunwale from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.

"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how I got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been living all this time? I don't see any shelter."

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach," he said.

"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly.

She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around a palm grove. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and I'll throw up!"

"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"

"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island."

"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He couldn't help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.

"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up and slip into something more comfortable."

As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.

"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely, too... isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and women need? Something that would be really nice to have right now!"

"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness. "There is something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just... well, it was impossible."

"Well, it's not impossible any more," the woman said.

The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You mean... you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL HERE!!??!!"

....

3strokes
July 17th, 2007, 07:54 AM
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of. So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail or post twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

Remember???????????
I don't remember if I sent this one out.........I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED or posted THIS before OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

25. What else?

quicksilver
July 17th, 2007, 09:55 AM
An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing In on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right! On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light,
"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive. ...Amen."

3strokes
July 17th, 2007, 09:52 PM
Joe is out hiking. He's on top of a high cliff when he loses his footing and falls down the cliff. On his way down he manages to grab at a tree root that's jutting out of the cliffside.

He starts yelling, "HELP. Anybody out there? HELP"
He goes on shouting and yelling for "HELP" when out of the clouds a thundering voice says, "Yes. I'm here to help. What can I do for you?"
Joe replies, "Whaaaaaaa. Wh-Wh-Who is this?'
The voice replies, "I am God."
Joe says, "God? Are you God?"

The voice replies, "Yes, I am God, thy Lord and Creator and Maker of All Things and I am here to help you."

"Help me?" Asks Joe. "Yes please help me."

"Do you believe? Is your faith strong?

"Yes" Joe answers. "I believe. Nobody has a faith that is stronger, please Help me."

The voice answers, "Alright then. Let go of the tree."
































Silence, then Joe, "HELP, Is anybody else out there?"

quicksilver
July 18th, 2007, 09:10 AM
Subject: Getting Older

On Getting Older


1.) Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, is it?

2.) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied,
"No peer pressure."

3.) The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

4.) I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

5.) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6.) An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

7.) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8.) Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9.) It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

10.) These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

11.) Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


12.) --- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

GGS5T
July 18th, 2007, 03:57 PM
Joe meets a woman, who is sitting alone in the cocktail bar. He thought she looked reasonably attractive and quite fit for a 64 year old.

She says to him, "Have you ever had a mother and daughter threesome?"

Joe says, "No, never."

She said, "Well, tonight's your lucky night Joe!"

She takes him back to her house. Opening the door, she shouts up the stairs.

"Are you still awake mother!"

FindingMyInnerFish
July 18th, 2007, 09:18 PM
Groaner warning first!

Mushroom walks into a bar. Makes a move on a lady who immediately spurns him.

"What was her problem?" he asks, puzzled. "I'm a fun guy."

3strokes
July 18th, 2007, 09:48 PM
NEW VIRUS
Just got this in from a reliable source. It seems there is a virus called the "Senile Virus" that even the most advanced programs of Norton and McAfee cannot take care of. So be warned. The virus appears to affect those of us who were born before 1960!

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail or post twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send e-mail back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach attachments.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the e-mail.

3strokes
July 21st, 2007, 08:07 PM
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."


3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."


5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."


6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."


7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."


8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."


9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"


10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."


11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."


12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"


13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."


14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"


15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."


16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."


17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"


18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."


19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"


20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."


21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."


22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."


23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"


24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."


25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

3strokes
July 21st, 2007, 08:19 PM
Groaners


Two a-certain-hair-colours living somewhere (in the Northern Hemisphere of the Western Hemisphere, but NOT in Florida) were sitting on a bench talking....and
one a-certain-hair-colour says to the other, "Which do you think is
farther away.......Florida or the moon?"
The other a-certain-hair-colour turns and says"Helloooooooooo, can you see
Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A a-certain-hair-colour pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She asks, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor".
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"


SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a a-certain-hair-colour for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together. Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


RIVER WALK

There's this a-certain-hair-colour out for a walk.She comes to a river and
sees another a-certain-hair-colour on the opposite
bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second a-certain-hair-colour looks up the river then down the river and
shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said
that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.She pushed her knee and creamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a a-certain-hair-colour."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"


KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the a-certain-hair-colour behind the wheel was knitting. Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the a-certain-hair-colour yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


a-certain-hair-colour ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a a-certain-hair-colour were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The a-certain-hair-colour
said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads."You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" they said.
To which the a-certain-hair-colour replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"


IN A VACUUM

A a-certain-hair-colour was playing Trivial Pursuit one night, It was her
turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.Her question
was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


FINALLY, THE a-certain-hair-colour JOKE TO END ALL a-certain-hair-colour JOKES!

A girl was visiting her a-certain-hair-colour friend, who had acquired two new
dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The a-certain-hair-colour responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like
that?
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond."They're watch dogs."

=====================================

I hope no one was offended.

newmastersswimmer
July 22nd, 2007, 04:03 PM
o.k. Ahmed its one thing to make fun of certain hair colors.....but what exactly does the state of Texas have to do with the first joke now?! LOL!

3strokes
July 22nd, 2007, 05:43 PM
o.k. Ahmed its one thing to make fun of certain hair colors.....but what exactly does the state of Texas have to do with the first joke now?! LOL!

Hey! These are not my jokes.
I just copied them replacing a certain hair colour with a-certain-hair-colour. I should have also noticed that one of them actually named a State (my apologies to Texans or, if it's a very old joke, to Texicans).
You will also note that another joke (astronauts) was supposed to have three nationalities but the 3rd one was "in disguise", even though I'd heard that one with the 3rd nationality being three or four possible ones (including Egyptian).

"Some" jokes will offend "some" people "some" of the times.

bud
July 25th, 2007, 10:36 AM
U.S. Military OERs
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

* Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
* Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
* So dense, light bends around him.
* Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
* A room temperature IQ.
* A prime candidate for natural deselection.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.



Fitness Reports
Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
* He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
* This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
* He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
* She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
* This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
* I would not breed from this officer.


Job Evaluations
Great lines from job evaluations:

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
* This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
* Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
* Fell out of the family tree.
* Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
* If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* One neuron short of a synapse.
* It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* I would not allow this employee to breed.


....

bud
July 25th, 2007, 10:38 AM
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.

"What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do", answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good", the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!!

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae. This is incredible!!" The redneck is really catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?", the second redneck asked his friend.

"Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?", asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"

"No," his friend replied.

"You're queer, ain't ya?"


....

bud
July 25th, 2007, 10:40 AM
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, had a sh** on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed, that was brilliant.


....

bud
July 25th, 2007, 10:44 AM
An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch, so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."


....

bud
July 25th, 2007, 11:03 AM
A cowboy walks into a saloon and the only person there is the barkeep. "Where is everybody?" asks the cowboy.

“They’re all down at the hangin’” says the barkeep.

“Oh yeah? Who they hangin’?”

“Brown Paper Pete" is the reply.

"Brown Paper Pete? Boy, that sure is a funny name. Why do they call him that?"

"Well," says the barkeep, "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper bandanna, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots."

“Man, that sure is strange,” says the Cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

The barkeep replies: "Rustling."


....

quicksilver
July 31st, 2007, 07:44 PM
Hey Bud, Thanks for sending that one in...very funny.

....U.S. Military OERs
Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

Mia Kopela
August 3rd, 2007, 08:00 AM
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

quicksilver
August 3rd, 2007, 11:20 AM
Subject: "Tech Support"!!!!



TECH SUPPORT
Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
*****

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
*****

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
*****

Caller (inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe)
"If I register my car in France, and then take it to England, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
*****

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
*****

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland."
*****

On another o ccasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
*****

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
*****

Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
*****
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"

ALM
August 3rd, 2007, 05:13 PM
from www.topfive.com
August 2, 2007

According to a report, on at least two occasions NASA has allowed astronauts to fly after flight surgeons and other astronauts warned they were so drunk they posed a flight-safety risk.....


The Top 14 Indications an Astronaut Is Drunk (Part I)

14> Keeps trying to sneak an ice chest into the payload bay.

13> His Tang has a lime in it and salt on the rim. :wine:

12> Too busy doing donuts in the lunar rover to realize that his oxygen tank is empty.

11> When asked to stand on one foot, he instead elects to stand on *no* feet.

10> He's under the rocket shouting "Where's the damn fuse?!"

9> Wrapped the lunar rover around a tree. On the *moon*.

8> Breaks down weeping in the middle of his countdown, lamenting how no one has ever driven cross-country in an adult diaper for *him*. :cry:

7> Pees inside his spacesuit -- after taking it off and hanging it up.

6> He just called a mission control engineer "Sugar ****."

5> When NASA turns on the video link to the space shuttle, there he is, floating shirtless and trying to eat a hamburger off the ceiling.

4> Keeps flipping off Cuba with the shuttle's robotic arm.

3> "Houston... I love you, man!"

2> Wakes up with "EJECT ME" written on his face in black magic marker. :lmao:


...and Topfive.com's Number 1 Indication an Astronaut Is Drunk...


1> Gets her hair caught in the suction toilet.

3strokes
August 5th, 2007, 09:29 AM
Following is the contents of a conversation between a client and a representative of Company X support desk.
This is a genuine text, from a record of a telephony system. The client support employee has been fired, and the client is now prosecuting the company for insulting and not providing support according to the contract between them:

"Company X Technical Desk, may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with "product X"."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing."

"It's blank; it won't accept anything that I type."

"Are you still in the WordProcessor, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor. I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

"......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

"......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of the computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh-huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle. It's because it's dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came it?"

"Well, yes. I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."

quicksilver
August 7th, 2007, 06:35 AM
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE

>OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE
>
>
>1. The nicest thing about the future is that it
>always starts tomorrow.
>
>2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will
>make him wag his tail.
>
>3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
>don't have any sense at all.
>
>4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
>
>5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're
>in deep water.
>
>6. How come it takes so little time for a child who
>is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants
>to stay out all night?
>
>7. Business conventions are important because they
>demonstrate how many people a company can operate
>without.
>
>8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
>than everyone else looks?
>
>9. Scratch a cat and you'll find a permanent job.
>
>10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
>wants to buy a car.
>
>11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
>publicity.
>
>12. There are worse things than getting a call for a
>wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right
>number.
>
>13. No one ever says "It's only a game." when their
>team is winning.
>
>14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a
>nap.
>
>15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way
>you're going to like it.
>
>16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not
>everybody has the same size bucket.
>
>17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
>thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
>(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
>
>18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
>comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
>
>19. After 50, if you don't wake up aching in every
>joint, you are probably dead.

jim clemmons
August 7th, 2007, 08:02 PM
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be
here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

quicksilver
August 9th, 2007, 06:28 AM
Subject: Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

> Thought for the day: There is
> more money being spent on
> breast implants and Viagra
> today than on Alzheimer's
> research. This means that by
> 2040, there should be a large
> elderly population with perky
> boobs and huge erections and
> absolutely no recollection of
> what to do with them.

quicksilver
August 10th, 2007, 08:43 PM
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

quicksilver
August 10th, 2007, 08:44 PM
Husband Wanted...

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that is was time to get married again.

She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you! You have no legs!"

The old gentleman smiled, " Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" " You! don't have any arms either!" she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed??" The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

The wedding is scheduled for Saturday...

quicksilver
August 10th, 2007, 08:47 PM
Four married men go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him.

"You haven't said any thing about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: "Fishing or Sex?"

She said: "Wear sun-block"

ALM
August 12th, 2007, 01:36 PM
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."

quicksilver
August 12th, 2007, 02:33 PM
Two businessmen in NYC are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store . . . as yet the store isn't ready . . . only a few shelves are set up

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the rebel says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"

idguru
August 13th, 2007, 07:37 PM
Philosophy

1. I'm nobody. Nobody is perfect, and therefore I'm perfect.
2. If I save time, when do I get it back?
3. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
4. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
5. Best way to prevent hangover is to stay drunk.
6. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... What more can I say.
7. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?
8. Should women have children after 35? No, 35 children are enough.
9. Alcohol kills slowly. Who's in a hurry?


Hopefully nobody has posted any of the above before. If not, then have a good laugh one more time! :rofl:

scyfreestyler
August 13th, 2007, 08:05 PM
Two businessmen in NYC are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store . . . as yet the store isn't ready . . . only a few shelves are set up

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Southern drawl asks, "What're y'all sellin' here?"

One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."

Without skipping a beat, the rebel says, "Well, I see y'all're doing really good, you only got two left!"



That's great! I love quick wit like that.

JennyS
August 14th, 2007, 04:13 PM
Two antennas met on a roof top, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony was just ok, but the reception was fantastic!

JennyS
August 17th, 2007, 01:43 PM
A bunny rabbit walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a piece of carrot cake. The bartender says, "We don't have carrot cake. Would you like a beer?" The bunny rabbit says no and leaves.

The next day the same bunny rabbit walks into the bar and tells the bartender he would like a piece of carrot cake. The bartender, a little frustrated, says, "Bunny, we don't have carrot cake! We have beer and wine, liquor and peanuts, but no carrot cake!" So the bunny leaves.

The next day the bunny walks into the bar and it's the same thing- "Hi, I'd like a piece of carrot cake." The bartender, now highly irritated, says, "Bunny Rabbit, we DO NOT serve carrot cake! If you come in here and ask for it one more time I am going to nail you to the wall by your ears!!" So, the bunny leaves.

The next day the bunny rabbit walks into the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender, a little confused with the question, says, "No." Then the bunny rabbit says, "Hi, I'd like a piece of carrot cake."

3strokes
August 17th, 2007, 02:37 PM
A new clerk in a grocery store is approached by a customer and asked if they have Camemberg cheese.
He replies, "No" and the customer leaves.
The boss calls him over and tells him that even though they did not have the specific product, he should have tried to sell her some other type of cheese; in other words, make a sale.
Next customer walks in and asks if they have toilet paper.
He replies, "No Ma'am, but we have sandpaper."

Slowswim
August 17th, 2007, 03:10 PM
A farmer sees an ad for a Plow horse for sale, $500. The farmer goes to buy the horse but the rancher tells him that it died. The farmer thinks for a minute and decides to buy the dead horse anyway.

Weeks later the rancher feels guilty for taking the $500 and decides to give the farmer his money back. When the rancher tells the farmer this. The farmer says, "I'm sorry but I already raffled the horse off."

The Rancher, in shock asks, "How did you raffle a dead horse?" The farmer says, "I offered raffle tickets at $20 each for the horse." "Over 1000 people entered the raffle." Total confounded the rancher asks, "didn't anyone complain about the horse being dead"?!

The farmer snugly answered, "only the winner and I gave him his money back."

3strokes
August 17th, 2007, 04:54 PM
.................snip..............
The Rancher, in shock asks, "How did you raffle a dead horse?" The farmer says, "I offered raffle tickets at $20 each for the horse." "Over 1000 people entered the raffle." Total confounded the rancher asks, "didn't anyone complain about the horse being dead"?!

The farmer snugly answered, "only the winner and I gave him his money back."

Thanks for the great idea, Bill.
Now, I just have to work out what "my" gimmick will be
(and I don't even have to "buy" any dead anythings).

quicksilver
August 18th, 2007, 10:52 AM
Congregation Secretary:

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would
like to join this f#*king congregation."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, g*&^%$#@ it. I said I want to join this f*&king congregation"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated here."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the rabbi's study to inform him
of her situation.

The rabbi agrees that the secretary doesn't have to listen to such profanity.

They both return to her office and the rabbi asks the old man, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no g%$#@* problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million in the
f^&%ing lottery and I want to join this f#$%ing synagogue to get rid of some
of this f*&^ing money."

"I see," said the rabbi. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

3strokes
August 18th, 2007, 02:03 PM
The early bird gets the worm........................ but...........






































the second mouse gets the cheese.

poolraat
August 23rd, 2007, 07:17 PM
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

geochuck
August 25th, 2007, 07:46 PM
My friend Mark Sandilands posted this pic on another site.

Ladies only swim fins.

3strokes
August 27th, 2007, 10:52 AM
Telegrams

To: Head Office
From: Survey expedition deep Congo
Subject: Chief Engineer dead
URGENT
Please send replacement. Chief engineer killed/eaten by crocodile.

============================================

To: Survey expedition deep Congo
From: Head Office
Subject: Re: Chief Engineer dead
Replacement on his way.
Please send more details re tragic accident.

=============================================

To: Head Office
From: Survey expedition deep Congo
Subject: Re: Re: Chief Engineer dead
No accident. Crocodile did it on purpose.
=============================================

poolraat
August 28th, 2007, 10:43 PM
Baltimore Flight

A man boarded an airplane in Baltimore with a large box of frozen blue
crabs.

A female crew member insisted on taking the box, promising to keep it
safe in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. Handing it over, the
man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen and proceeded to rant and rave about what
would happen if she let the box thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin,
"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Baltimore, please raise
your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them herself!

quicksilver
September 2nd, 2007, 02:02 PM
Blonde Logic:
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side"

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

quicksilver
September 2nd, 2007, 02:03 PM
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't."
Patrick Murray

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong,
admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to
a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music
and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A son asked his Dad how much it costs to get married. His Dad replied: I
don't know son, I'm still paying.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

quicksilver
September 2nd, 2007, 02:03 PM
FAMILY NAME


A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,standing alone.

She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied.

"I gave it to myself."

"It reflects the things I like most--cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Bob Titsenbeer"

quicksilver
September 2nd, 2007, 02:04 PM
Can you solve this puzzle?You are riding on a beautiful white horse.On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.


*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*

poolraat
September 2nd, 2007, 02:51 PM
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"How shocking!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment. "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary bead and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed the female parrots in the cage. Immediately, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed.

"Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered.

3strokes
September 2nd, 2007, 06:26 PM
Can you solve this puzzle?You are riding on a beautiful white horse.On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?






For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.






*Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.*









This must be a British merry-go-round: drop-off on the left = clockwise. Most merry-go-rounds I'm familiar with go counter-clockwise.

quicksilver
September 5th, 2007, 07:53 AM
Confucius Says.




*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok .
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

geochuck
September 7th, 2007, 09:54 PM
A Scottish man walking through a field sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scottish man shouts" Awa ye feel hoor that’s full O coos Sharn "
(Translated: Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s**t.)

The man shouts back” I’m English, Speak English, I don't understand you"

The Scottish man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in. :banana::banana:

geochuck
September 9th, 2007, 12:59 PM
Funiest thing that ever happened in my life.

I was in a movie theatre in Niagara Falls NY1949. We used to drive there and go to the movies.

We were watching Larry Parks in a swashbuckling movie. There was going to be a sword fight duel. Someone in the audience yelled out
How are you fixed for blades?
Which was an ad that was on the radio for Gillette Blue Blades.

3strokes
September 10th, 2007, 02:26 PM
Recruiting officer (or non-com) to applicant who wants to join the Navy,
"OK, fine, we seem to have all the details but, do you know how to swim?"

The applicant replies, "Why? Don't you have ships?"

Got Boost
September 12th, 2007, 04:56 PM
A couple of good ones,

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a
second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said
that he usually played alone, but agreed to the
twosome.
They were even after the first couple of holes. The second guy
said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a
hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but
agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes
with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his
$80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a
neighboring
course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got
all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet
with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along,
I'll marry them."


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.



"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."



Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"



"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:


'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...
Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!



Got Boost

quicksilver
September 15th, 2007, 03:01 PM
LITTLE BOY AT THE NUDE BEACH
>
> A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach.
>
> As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women
> have boobs
> bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
> She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
>
> The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
> to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things
> than his dad does.
> She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."
>
> Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
> Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,
>
> "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he
> talks, the dumber he gets.

poolraat
September 15th, 2007, 03:41 PM
Pete had a week off and decided to play golf every day. Monday morning, he found himself paired with an attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.

They started with a few casual bets, but by the back nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Pete congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know, Pete, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can express my appreciation."

He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.

The next morning, they met again on the first tee and played together again. They had another magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight, competitive golf. Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week, with Pete narrowly losing every day, his male ego bruised, but not unhappy.

On Friday's drive home, Pete said, "Pat, you've been great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to return the favor. I made reservations at the best restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"

Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"

"What? Why not?" asked Pete.

"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"

"What?!" Aghast, Pete swerved off the road, screeched to a stop and swore madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be angry with me."

"You b*****d!" Pete screamed, his face bright red. "You cheating b*****!

All week long you've been playing off the women's tees!!"

geochuck
September 17th, 2007, 05:53 PM
WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80? I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no!" I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?"

matysekj
September 18th, 2007, 06:27 PM
Saw this on another forum:

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

8 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

2 to move it to the Lighting section

3 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

5 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

4 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

11 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

17 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

20 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

5 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

15 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, just to add "Me too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

3 that have not read previous posts and suggests solutions already posted.

3 to post an "O RLY?" pic

4 that have not read previous posts and think the thread is about different sorts of bulbs.

15 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

8 to post about dogs

2 more to hijack the thread about wonder why there are more posts about dogs than cats

1 to post his famous "Oh SNAP!" pic

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post six months from now and start it all over again

The Fortress
September 18th, 2007, 07:40 PM
That was hilarious, Jim. I needed a laugh today.

Was going to post a different pic, but too many pixels. Shame.

quicksilver
September 18th, 2007, 07:46 PM
Good one Jim.


Pickup Line




[



Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

geochuck
September 18th, 2007, 07:50 PM
Not funny to some.

quicksilver
September 18th, 2007, 08:11 PM
Not funny to some.

Perhaps. Sorry. Lawyers have feelings too.

3strokes
September 18th, 2007, 08:17 PM
Saw this on another forum:

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

11 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid



And you forgot the one who will ask, "Which six and which six of the 11?"

geochuck
September 18th, 2007, 08:23 PM
It did not offend me.

We had a hotel in Hamilton Ontario.

It was called the Honest Lawyer.

Now that is an almost unbelievable thing.

As time went on it ran down but I believe it is still in operation.

All the drunks in town went their.

The Fortress
September 18th, 2007, 08:35 PM
Well, I've seen every lawyer joke in the book. No problemo here. I try to limit my oversensitive drama queen moments, if at all possible. ;)

quicksilver
September 18th, 2007, 08:38 PM
Thanks george.

Here's a true story. An elderly architect associate of mine consulted with a legal firm back in the mid 1950's...

Their name was... Ketcham and Killam.

geochuck
September 18th, 2007, 08:46 PM
Kwik - now that is a goodtrue story.

poolraat
September 18th, 2007, 09:37 PM
Two Ways to Look at
Everything
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high
school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man
swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked, "Do you know him?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I
understand he took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
sober since."

"My God!" I said. "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

swimr4life
September 19th, 2007, 04:57 PM
Things to ponder...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

poolraat
September 19th, 2007, 06:20 PM
Things to ponder...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One more....

How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't sponges?

geochuck
September 20th, 2007, 02:19 PM
Is this a JOKE Canadian Dollar at par with the US Dollar.

I sold something from the US a few weeks ago for $23,000.00 Canadian Dollars.

Today I will sell that same item from the USA for $19,900.00 Canadian Dollars.

scwids
September 20th, 2007, 04:12 PM
One more....

How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't sponges?


This makes me LAUGH! :lmao:

SwimStud
September 20th, 2007, 08:36 PM
Is this a JOKE Canadian Dollar at par with the US Dollar.

I sold something from the US a few weeks ago for $23,000.00 Canadian Dollars.

Today I will sell that same item from the USA for $19,900.00 Canadian Dollars.

When they catch you smuggling those blocks you are in big trouble!

quicksilver
September 25th, 2007, 09:41 AM
What a difference a sad event in someone's life makes. GEORGE CARLIN (His wife recently died...) Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate.

A wonderful Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much , and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less . We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be a round forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there aga in.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

George Carlin

quicksilver
September 25th, 2007, 09:55 AM
How to tell you're not Mom's favorite!

quicksilver
September 25th, 2007, 09:57 AM
Date: Thu, 13 Sep 2007 16:39:34 -0400

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was "Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Damn...is it midnight already!

smontanaro
September 25th, 2007, 11:35 AM
A wonderful Message by George Carlin: ...

Ignoring for a moment whether or not that essay has value in our times, I feel compelled to point out that George Carlin did not write it:

Paradox of our Time (http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/paradox.asp).

Skip Montanaro

imspoiled
September 25th, 2007, 02:49 PM
Two New York men were driving through Georgia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the heck was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in Georgia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Georgia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"Sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"I know you New Yorkers," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I WISH that jerk would've tried that with me!'"

swimr4life
September 25th, 2007, 03:32 PM
I think that Sate Trooper pulled my husband over one time in South Georgia!:rofl:

quicksilver
September 25th, 2007, 04:19 PM
Ignoring for a moment whether or not that essay has value in our times...



It's always good to give credit where credit is due.
It was a good message even if someone misappropriated it. Thanx Skip.

The e-mail jokes seem to take on a life of their own after a few orbits around the globe.

3strokes
September 26th, 2007, 05:42 PM
Pasted as received in an e-mail (but it's really, kind of, swimming-related)


An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard
voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until
you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up
he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

geochuck
September 27th, 2007, 11:48 AM
I received this in an email today.

I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into
the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was
blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's
back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of twenty years replied, 'Can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'


I still don't know if she was joking...

Slowswim
October 2nd, 2007, 11:38 AM
Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to h is wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."

poolraat
October 4th, 2007, 01:12 PM
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

FindingMyInnerFish
October 7th, 2007, 01:31 PM
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.

LOL! I'd say she was actually pretty smart. She only lost $10 but the lawyer coughed up $500--and she showed creativity in thinking up a question neither of them could answer...only I suppose she could have taken a little extra trouble and think up an off-the-wall answer! :D

jim clemmons
October 9th, 2007, 07:21 PM
Headlines from the year 2029:

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia' third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally; Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study results released: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss!

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines!

newmastersswimmer
October 10th, 2007, 02:38 PM
A little Math Humor:


Q: How can you tell when a Mathematician is an extrovert? (Scroll down for answer):





















A: When he speaks to you he looks at your shoes instead of his. LOL! :lmao:

ALM
October 17th, 2007, 11:38 PM
I admit I stole this one from the Cartalk web site:

-------------------------
Single in the Supermarket

Dear Click and Clack,

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
-

Slowswim
October 18th, 2007, 02:54 PM
A women's dream world is having:
English Cop
French Cook
Germany Car repairman
Italian Lover


A women's living nightmare is having:
English Cook
French Car repairman
Germany Lover
Italian Cop

I heard this years ago when I lived in Germany. No offense meant.

Slowswim
October 18th, 2007, 04:06 PM
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??

The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,

Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next,fatty."

(Stolen joke)

goggles
October 19th, 2007, 04:24 AM
Summary of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge. mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but t it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

geochuck
October 21st, 2007, 05:29 PM
A man is walking home alone late one foggy halloween night, when behind him he hears: BUMP BUMP BUMP

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP BUMP BUMP

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER FASTER - BUMP BUMP BUMP

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity BUMP clappity BUMP clappity BUMP on his heels as the terrified man runs

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud crash the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket
and
(hopefully you're ready for this)

The coffin stops

Allen Stark
October 22nd, 2007, 12:03 AM
Heard on NPR:Jesus is talking to his disciples"the kingdom of heaven is like
X2-6X+ 9".The disciples look at each other without understanding until Peter finally says"Oh,this is one of Jesus' parabolas.":doh:

SwimStud
October 22nd, 2007, 05:15 PM
Heard on NPR:Jesus is talking to his disciples"the kingdom of heaven is like
X2-6X+ 9".The disciples look at each other without understanding until Peter finally says"Oh,this is one of Jesus' parabolas.":doh:

HAHAHAHA

quicksilver
October 25th, 2007, 08:09 AM
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN
A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER
PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE
PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID......... WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX!!

Ripple
October 25th, 2007, 08:41 PM
A business man is leaving town for a week long trip. As he drives away, his wife watches him from the window, and when she's sure he won't be returning for anything, calls her lover to come over. They are just getting at it in the bedroom when they the sound of the key in the front door downstairs.
She urges him to hide in the ensuite bathroom while she stalls her husband, who has returned for important papers. Too late... he decides to use the ensuite bathroom as long as he's there.
When he enters, there is the lover, naked and standing on the toilet seat, gazing into space and clapping his hands at various points in the air.
"Who the hell are you?" the husband demands to know.
"I'm the town moth-catcher. Didn't your wife tell you? You have a terrible case of moths here."
But you're stark naked!!!" excaims the husband.
The lover stops clapping and looks down at his body.
"Well, the little buggers!"

Ian Smith
October 25th, 2007, 10:11 PM
for all the lawyers......

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you , Mr.Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one
of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of
them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to
approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice,
said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair "

3strokes
October 27th, 2007, 08:11 AM
It's the middle of the night and Joe wakes up his room-mate Bill.
"Hey Bill. I'm very sick. I'm running a fever. What can I do?"

Bill: Here, call my family doctor. There's his number.
Five minutes later.
Joe: He said to get XYZ suppositories and take one every four hours
Bill: OK. Ill go to the pharmacy and get you some.

Two hours later.
Joe: Bill. I'm still feverish and I did swallow another one but they're not working. Also they look strange for tablets. Maybe I should dissolve them in water or boil them or what?
Bill: Call Dr. Fluffmeter again and ask him how to take them.

Two minutes later
Joe: He said to put them up the rectum. What's a recturm?
Bill. I don't know. Call him back.
Joe: It's the middle of he night. I feel bad about waking him up.
Bill: Hey that's OK. You need to know

Two mins later
Joe: He said to put it in the colon. What's a colon?
Bill: I don't know. Dya think I'm a doctor? Call him back
Joe: But, it's so late.........Ok. Ok.

Two mins later
Joe: He said to slide it in the anus. What's the anus?
Bill: How should I know? I'm not an encyclopedia. Call him back.

Two mins later
Joe: I knew I shouldn't be calling him again and again and again in the middle of the night.
Bill: Why? What did he say?
Joe: See! I told you he'd get mad. He said to shove them up my a#### !

quicksilver
October 27th, 2007, 08:31 AM
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I have a few folks here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was George Bush Sr. with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this
is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton , lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said . . . . . .





"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

quicksilver
October 27th, 2007, 08:34 AM
Not a joke. Just a good story.

We all know or knew someone like this!!

One day, when I was a freshman in high school,

I saw a kid from my class was walking home from school.

His name was Kyle.

It looked like he was carrying all of his books.

I thought to myself, "Why would anyone bring home all his books on a Friday?

He must really be a nerd."

I had quite a weekend planned (parties and a football game with my friends tomorrow afternoon), so I shrugged my shoulders and went on.

As I was walking, I saw a bunch of kids running toward him.

They ran at him, knocking all his books out of his arms and tripping him so he landed in the dirt.

His glasses went flying, and I saw them land in the grass about ten feet from him

He looked up and I saw this terrible sadness in his eyes

My heart went out to him. So, I jogged over to him as he crawled around looking for his glasses, and I saw a tear in hi s eye.

As I handed him his glasses, I said, "Those guys are jerks. "

They really should get lives.

" He looked at me and said, "Hey thanks!"

There was a big smile on his face.

It was one of those smiles that showed real gratitude.

I helped him pick up his books, and asked him where he lived.

As it turned out, he lived near me, so I asked him why I had never seen him before.

He said he ha d gone to private school before now.

I would have never hung out with a private school kid before.

We talked all the way home, and I carried some of his books

He turned out to be a pretty cool kid.

I asked him if he wanted to play a little football with my friends

He said yes.

We hung out all weekend and the more I got to know Kyle, the more I liked him, and my friends thought the same of him.

Monday morning came, and there was Kyle with the huge stack of books again.

I stopped him and said, "Boy, you are gonna really build some serious muscles with t his pile of books everyday!

" He just laughed and handed me half the books.

Over the next four years, Kyle and I became best friends.

When we were seniors we began to think about college.

Kyle decided on Georgetown and I was going to Duke.

I knew that we would always be friends, that the miles would never be a problem.

He was going to be a doctor and I was going for business on a football scholarship.

Kyle was valedictorian of our class.

I teased him all the time about being a nerd.

He had to prepare a speech for graduation.

I was so glad it wasn't me having to get up there and speak

Graduation day, I saw Kyle.

He looked great.

He was one of those guys that really found himself during high school.

He filled out and actually looked good in glasses.

He had more dates than I had and all the girls loved him.

Boy, sometimes I was jealous!
Today was one of those days.

I could see that he was nervous about his speech.

So, I smacked him on the back and said, "Hey, big guy, you'll be great!"

He looked at me with one of t hose looks (the really grateful one) and smiled.

" Thanks," he said.

As he started his speech, he cleared his throat, and began

"Graduation is a time to thank those who helped you make it through those tough years.

Your parents, your teachers, your siblings, maybe a coach..but mostly your friends...

I am here to tell all of you that being a friend to someone is the best gift you can give them.

I am going to tell you a story."

I just looked at my friend with disbelief as he told the story of the first day we met.

He had planned to kill himself over the weekend.

He talked of how he had cleaned out his locker so his Mom wouldn't have to do it later and was carrying his stuff home.

He looked hard at me and gave me a little smile.

"Thankfully, I was saved.My friend saved me from doing the unspeakable."

I heard the gasp go through the crowd as this handsome, popular boy told us all about his w eakest moment.

I saw his Mom and dad looking at me and smiling that same grateful smile.

Not until that moment did I realize it's depth.

Never underestimate the power of your actions.

With one small gesture you can change a person's life.

For better or for worse.

You now have two choices, you can:

1) Pass this on to your friends or

2) Delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart.

As you can see, I took choice number 1.
"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings hav e trouble remembering how to fly."

There is no beginning or end.. Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow is a mystery.

Today is a gift.

It's National Friendship Week.

jim clemmons
October 29th, 2007, 01:35 PM
The Farmer and the Field

An Illinois Department of Transportation employee stopped at a farm and
talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm
for a possible new road ".

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go into that field."

The DOT employee said, "I have the authority of the State of Illinois to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the DOT employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smart ass!!"

poolraat
October 30th, 2007, 06:55 PM
Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,
"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a ****?"

poolraat
November 27th, 2007, 07:48 PM
A man and his friend were hunting pheasants in a field along a rural highway. A pair of roosters flushed just as a funeral procession rolled into sight. Though he could have had an easy double, the man lowered his shotgun, took off his hat and bowed his head in prayer.

His friend was amazed. " Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I've ever seen. You are the kindest man I've ever known."

The hunter shrugged. " Yeah, well, we were married for thirty-five years."

The Fontress
November 27th, 2007, 08:05 PM
How do you keep a Blond in suspense for a really long time?

Michael Leather
November 27th, 2007, 11:39 PM
How do you keep a Blond in suspense for a really long time?


I'm still waiting...

ViveBene
November 28th, 2007, 07:59 AM
"Then why do you give a ****?"

Ah. True story, so I heard (wish I could remember the names of the actors): Famous surgeon went to famous violinist's performance and arranged to meet her backstage. Upon introducing himself, he mentioned his occupation, followed by "I give people life."

She said, "I give people a reason to live."
:applaud:

Everybody have a good day!

VB

scyfreestyler
November 29th, 2007, 01:45 PM
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court.





I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.





The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red,orange,
and blue.





My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time.





When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter
old man, never done anything wild in your life?"





Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response.





"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you
were my son."

The Fortress
November 29th, 2007, 03:02 PM
I'm still waiting...

Ha, ha, ha. Very clever alias! I'm still riveted. :rofl:

The Fortness
November 30th, 2007, 01:14 AM
Knock knock

The Fontress
November 30th, 2007, 01:15 AM
Who's there?

SwimSpud
November 30th, 2007, 01:20 AM
Banana

The Fontress
November 30th, 2007, 08:53 AM
Banana who?

The Fortness
November 30th, 2007, 08:55 AM
Knock knock

The Fontress
November 30th, 2007, 09:53 AM
Who's there?

SwimSpud
November 30th, 2007, 09:53 AM
Banana

The Fontress
November 30th, 2007, 08:23 PM
Banana who?

The Fortness
November 30th, 2007, 08:24 PM
Knock knock

scyfreestyler
November 30th, 2007, 09:46 PM
Tell me, do you always play with yourself?

The Fontress
December 1st, 2007, 01:07 AM
Who's there?

SwimSpud
December 1st, 2007, 01:09 AM
Banana

scyfreestylen
December 1st, 2007, 01:17 AM
Sometimes you have to take action alone, no?

scyfreestyler
December 1st, 2007, 01:18 PM
If you want something done right you have to do it yourself? :dunno:

poolraat
December 2nd, 2007, 04:04 PM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.


The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man, Jack, started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

v








v







v







v







v





The man replied, "These are Carols."


And So The Christmas Season Begins......

scyfreestyler
December 3rd, 2007, 05:12 PM
Woman Golfer



A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make < B>your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here and continue feeling good. :)





















Male readers : Please scroll down.

...
...
...
...
...
...
....
...
...
...
...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humor.

quicksilver
December 6th, 2007, 01:10 PM
RULE # 1


WHEN YOU ARE IN DEEP ****,

LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD,

KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT & SAY NOTHING!!

jim clemmons
December 6th, 2007, 10:39 PM
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,.. 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

The Fontress
December 7th, 2007, 12:50 AM
Banana who?

The Fortness
December 7th, 2007, 12:52 AM
Knock Knock

The Fontress
December 7th, 2007, 12:53 AM
Who's there?

SwimSpud
December 7th, 2007, 12:54 AM
Orange

The Fontress
December 7th, 2007, 12:55 AM
Orange who?

SwimSpud
December 7th, 2007, 12:57 AM
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

3strokes
December 7th, 2007, 07:58 PM
Deleted.........

.............................

You're welcome.

geochuck
December 30th, 2007, 05:02 PM
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the

church ladies who type them. These sentences actually

appeared in church bulletins or were
announced in church services:


----------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


The sermon this morning:

'Jesus Walks on the Water.'

The sermon tonight:
'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Our youth basketball team is back

in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and

watch us kill Christ the King.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.

It's a chance to get rid of those things

not worth keeping around the house.

Bring your husbands.
-------------------------------------------------------------------


The peacemaking meeting scheduled

for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Remember in prayer the many who are sick

of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Don't let worry kill you off -

let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Miss Charlene Mason sang

'I will not pass this way again,'

giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


For those of you who have children

and don't know it,

we have a nursery down stairs.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter

were married on October 24 in the church.

So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
------------------------------------------------


At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be

'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------


Eight new choir robes are currently needed

due to the addition of several new members

and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Scouts are saving aluminum cans,

bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Please place your donation in

the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


The church will host an evening of fine dining,

super entertainment and gracious hostility.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM -

prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


Ladies Bible Study will be held

Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the

Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies

of the congregation would lend him their

electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


The Low Self Esteem Support Group

will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------------------


The eighth-graders will be presenting

Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM .

The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM

at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------------------


The Associate Minister unveiled the church's

new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours

3strokes
December 30th, 2007, 11:24 PM
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


Thank you, George, mil gracias, I haven't laughed that loud for God-knows how long!
Happy New Year!

swimr4life
January 1st, 2008, 01:49 PM
This is cute.....


Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

poolraat
January 4th, 2008, 04:15 PM
A calm & respectable lady went into the pharmacy & walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes & said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world would you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need to poison my husband.'

The pharmacists eyes got big & he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy, I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law. I would lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail. All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide.'
The lady reached into her purse & pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture & replied, 'Well, you didn't tell
me you had a prescription.'

quicksilver
January 5th, 2008, 09:38 AM
THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS OF 2007




SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.


Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."




SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
Reads, " Low Bridge Ahead."


Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.


Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"


The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."





SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.


"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"


A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.


When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

Allen Stark
January 5th, 2008, 03:18 PM
I don't think I read this here,but the thread is getting so long I may have missed it.If so I apologize.
A woman sees a hearse being driven slowly followed by a woman walking a dog and behind her is a very long line of women.
She stops the woman with the dog to ask about the procession.
The woman says the hearse contains the bodies of her husband and his lover.She came home from walking the dog and discovered them in bed together.She got upset and the dog instinctively protected her,killing them both.
The first woman said"where can I get a dog like that"and the widow replied"get in line."

poolraat
January 5th, 2008, 08:52 PM
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect whether or not an individual is mentally challenged who appears to be completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'"

The woman thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example, would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

geochuck
January 6th, 2008, 11:30 PM
The truth about swimology. Some write books - http://www.swaraj.org/shikshantar/swimology.htm

3strokes
January 7th, 2008, 12:29 AM
The truth about swimology. Some write books - http://www.swaraj.org/shikshantar/swimology.htm

And speaking of "swimology", this Navy recruit is asked by the recruiter, "Can you swim?" He replies "Why? Don't you have ships?"

poolraat
January 8th, 2008, 06:48 PM
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing
but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

ALM
January 16th, 2008, 02:58 PM
Here are the jokes circulating around here right now...

Q: What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Kansas City Chiefs

Q: How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Kansas City in case of a tornado?
A: Arrowhead Stadium - they never have a touchdown there

Q: What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs & a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 79,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"

SwimStud
January 16th, 2008, 03:00 PM
Here are the jokes circulating around here right now...

Q: What do you call 53 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Kansas City Chiefs

Q: How do you keep a Kansas City Chief out of your yard?
A: Put up goal posts.

Q: Where do you go in Kansas City in case of a tornado?
A: Arrowhead Stadium - they never have a touchdown there

Q: What do you call a Kansas City Chief with a Super Bowl ring?
A: A thief.

Q: What's the difference between the Kansas City Chiefs & a dollar bill?
A: You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and possums have in common?
A: Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

Q: What do the Kansas City Chiefs and Billy Graham have in common?
A: They both can make 79,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ!"

Hahaha Good uns!

3strokes
January 19th, 2008, 08:51 PM
Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh

Aemhd

knelson
January 21st, 2008, 12:28 PM
Hopefully this isn't a repeat...

A young lieutenant is on his first voyage with a sea captain in the age of sail. The captain is famous for his daring and ability to fight off pirates, so the lieutenant is studying his every move. Excitement comes one day when a pirate ship is spotted bearing down on them from upwind. "Bring me my red shirt!" the captain shouts to his steward. The captain dons the shirt while the pirates attack and after some hot action the pirates are repelled! The same thing happens the next day. Once again the captain demands "bring me my red shirt!" just before going into battle and, again, the pirates are defeated.

After this the lieutenant decides to ask the Captain about the shirt. "Is your red shirt a lucky shirt?" "No," the Captain replies. "I wear the red shirt so that if I'm wounded and bleed my men won't see the blood. If they were to see me bleed they might be discouraged and lose the battle."

A few days later the calm sailing is once again disturbed by enemy sails sighted. This time the lookout shouts "THREE pirate ships bearing down on us, ready to attack!" The young lieutenant looks over to Captain, anxious to see what he'll do this time. The Captain calls out to his steward "bring me my brown pants!"

Spazz Hands
January 23rd, 2008, 01:25 AM
There is a factory in Northern
Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you
tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me
Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and
approached Lena
'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I
think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles. :cheerleader:

poolraat
January 30th, 2008, 01:25 PM
Sad Story

Of all the luck, I rear-ended a car this morning.

We both pull over to the side of the road. So I get out of my car to check the damage ...
and slowly the other driver gets out of his car ... and you know how you
just get sooo stressed and even bad situations seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... The Guy was a DWARF! no kidding,
an honest-to-goodness midget!

As I'm trying to hold in the laughter... He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,

"I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well then, which one are you? "'

... and that's when the fight started

3strokes
January 31st, 2008, 12:43 PM
I couldn't really post this in the SR thread about the pleasure (and pain) of swimming:

The masochist to the sadist: "Hurt me!"
The sadist: "No."

Which one has derived the most pleasure from the exchange?

SwimStud
February 1st, 2008, 01:19 PM
Roll on old age


A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks
them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and
says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex
therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but
agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an
appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor,
then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything She's
married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go
to my house. Marriott charge $93. The Hilton charges $139. We do
it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Aetna.'

geochuck
February 3rd, 2008, 02:36 PM
Benny Hill and the wishing well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmDOTYD_yHw

geochuck
February 15th, 2008, 10:50 AM
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles south of Duncan.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver explained that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Victoria to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car and a
drunken good old boy, driving through from Port Alberni got out and briefly watched the
performance. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no
way I can pass that test."

knelson
February 19th, 2008, 10:58 AM
I like it George! :rofl:

geochuck
February 19th, 2008, 12:10 PM
If you knew Duncan and Port Alberni BC you would really understand this joke.

Duncan is called Drunken Duncan. Duncan also known for more drinking establishments per capita then the rest of Canada.

Port Alberni a logging town lots of red neck loggers.

Ripple
February 19th, 2008, 11:46 PM
...Duncan is called Drunken Duncan. Duncan also known for more drinking establishments per capita then the rest of Canada...
I would have thought Fort MacMurray was the leading contender for that dubious honour. :wine: :drink:

Here's one I got sent in an email today:
A couple in their early 60's are celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary in a restaurant. Suddenly a tiny fairy appears before them on the table top.
"Because the two of you are such a fine example of marital fidelity, I will grant each of you a wish." says the fairy, who first looks at the wife to see what her wish is.
"I wish I could travel around the world with my wonderful husband!". says the wife. No sooner are the words out of her mouth than two Queen Mary tickets and $10000 cash are in her hands. The fairy then looks at the husband to see what his wish is.
He pauses, looks at his wife, and then says "Well, this is all very romantic, but... I wish I were married to a woman 30 years younger than me." Both the wife and the fairy stare at him in shocked silence. Still, the wish can't be retracted, as that would violate the Fairy Code Of Ethics, chapter 12 paragraph 16.2.
So the fairy raises her wand...
taps the husbands arm...
... and turns him into a 92 year old man.

H2Orland
February 22nd, 2008, 12:04 AM
An old man was sitting in his house, alone on his 80th birthday, eating dinner when out of the blue there was a knock at the door. He goes to the door to find a beautiful young woman standing there who says to the old man, "I'm here to give you super sex" to which the man exclaimed "I'll have the soup."

:bolt:

quicksilver
February 24th, 2008, 06:20 PM
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

quicksilver
February 24th, 2008, 06:26 PM
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.He puts the alligator up on the bar.

He turns to the astonished patrons."I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."


The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.

The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.After a minute,The man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.


The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."


A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly spoke up.........."I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

geochuck
February 25th, 2008, 11:21 AM
Arthur is 95 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 30 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad...once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and as they sit down, she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try." "Aw, come on....what use is that?" sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help." "He may well be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law."Did you see the ball?" "Of course I did!" says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight." "Where did it go?" asks Arthur. "I can't remember."

geochuck
March 1st, 2008, 08:58 PM
Animation
http://fc01.deviantart.com/fs13/f/2007/077/2/e/Animator_vs__Animation_by_alanbecker.swf

Big AL
March 4th, 2008, 07:04 PM
My fathers favorite (in memorium)....

What happened to the guy that dreamt he was a muffler...



.... he woke up exhausted.

Thank you very much. :shakeshead:

Chuck Norris
March 4th, 2008, 07:26 PM
Some kids like to piss their names in the snow. I can piss my name into concrete.








.

3strokes
March 4th, 2008, 10:25 PM
Paratroopers on the plane.

"Sergeant, Wilson has just jumped and he forgot to put his 'chute on."

"What? Again?"

Chuck Norris
March 5th, 2008, 12:39 AM
Superman has a pair of Chuck Norris PJs.

quicksilver
March 5th, 2008, 03:32 PM
Spread the Stupidity

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, anda diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens tothe counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle forLETHAL INJECTIONS?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments whenthey are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

geochuck
March 5th, 2008, 03:38 PM
Just got this from Daniel Finch

A Little Canadian Humour

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May
you may live in Canada.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
don't work there, you may live in Canada.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in
Canada

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
you may live in Canada.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you
may live in Canada

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back
again, you may live in Canada

If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
both unlocked, you may live in Canada

If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use
them, you may live in Canada

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
you may live in Canada

If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and
everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow, you may live in Canada

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and
road construction, you may live in Canada

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may
live in Canada.

If you find 2 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Canada

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all
your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada

ALM
March 5th, 2008, 11:40 PM
Not a joke, but a swimming-related cartoon:

http://www.gocomics.com/inthebleachers/2008/03/03/

Anna Lea

Slowswim
March 6th, 2008, 04:28 PM
QS:

You forgot one:

Only in America - do you drive on a parkway and park in a driveway.

geochuck
March 10th, 2008, 09:14 PM
Only Canadians will really get this one.

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost Nearly 60 POUNDS! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Newfie nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from friggin skippin' !"

poolraat
March 14th, 2008, 12:43 PM
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies sarcastically, "No, I work in a
condom factory and these are customer complaints."

3strokes
March 14th, 2008, 09:25 PM
...and related to the thread "I've lost that lovin' feeling" when I said that it's not the swimming that I find hard to do, but going to the pool early on (Canadian) Winter mornings.

Once upon a time a very wealthy Sultan lived in a Castle and his Harem lived in another Castle a few hundred metres away.

Every time he felt like a little noo..... like having some fun, he would send out a young slave of his with these instructions, "I'm feeling hor.... hot. Run to the Castle and bring me back No 4 (or No 18 or No 47 or.....)

This went on every day (and sometimes several times a day).

The young slave died when he was barely 25 years old and had to be replaced (a few times as it turned out).

The Sultan died at 95


Which goes to show that it's not "women" that kills a man, but running after them.

3strokes
March 14th, 2008, 09:34 PM
I read it so long ago that I forget whether this was attributed to Winston Churchill or George Bernard Shaw (or it could have been someone else).

At a cocktail party he (whichever one of the two/three he is) approaches a "demi-(or full)-mondaine" and asks her if she would sleep with him for a million pounds.

She replies, "Yes. I would."

He then asks, "Would you sleep with me for ten pounds?"

"What do you think I am?" she replies in a huff.

"Madam," he comes back, "We have already established what you are. Now, we're just haggling over price."

3strokes
March 21st, 2008, 03:26 PM
I have to tell the two stories together so that half the human race forgives me, one story at a time.

1-
So God created man ("Adam").

Adam went to God and said, "God, I'm so lonely. Can you make me a companion to please me?"
God replied, "I can make you a companion who will be beautiful. Always pleasing to your eyes, even after a thousand years. She will do all the chores around your dwelling; she will be a wonderful cook; she will obey your every command -nay- your every wish. She will never nag and everthing you do and say will be like, well........... Gospel, to her. But it will cost you an arm and a leg."
So Adam replies, "What can I get for just a rib?"

==========================================

2-
So God created man ("Adam").

And then just as He was ready to clone him into thousands, millions, He pauses, looks at Adam and says, "Nah. I can do better than this!"

==========================================

geochuck
March 22nd, 2008, 08:31 PM
Gold at the end of a rainbow.

3strokes
March 29th, 2008, 09:23 AM
A small Ma' and Pa' grocery and sundries store.
It's the young son's first day working there.
His Pa calls him and tells him, "Son, that lady who was just in here asking for Gouda cheese. You just replied to her that "Sorry, Ma'm, we don't have any" and you just let her walk out. You should have told her that we had other cheeses, Edam, Swiss, Brie, Romano, etc..... Always try to sell something."
"Ok, Pa", replies the yougster.
A few minutes later another lady walks in and asks if they have toilet paper.
"Sorry Ma'm", replies the youngster. "We're all out of, but we do have sandpaper."

quicksilver
April 5th, 2008, 12:41 PM
Three nuns were attending a hockey game. Three men were sitting behind them. Because the nun's habits were blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns, hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah -- there are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there."

The third guy said, " I want to go to Idaho -- there are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and, in a very sweet and calm voice said, "Why don't you just go to Hell. There aren't any nuns there."

geochuck
April 5th, 2008, 12:45 PM
I saved a girl once who was going to be a nun. I married her.

3strokes
April 6th, 2008, 05:18 PM
My apologies to all blondes, before I post, but this joke was so good that I just had to post it.

A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia. "If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me . The same goes if you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.
"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me , but if I don't know an answer, I pay you ."
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out a bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a bill.

"So, what is it?", asked the lawyer.
The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a bill to the lawyer.

quicksilver
April 7th, 2008, 09:41 AM
I saved a girl once who was going to be a nun. I married her.


Just for you...

The nuns always have an answer to everything.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer,
wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one,
but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She
picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a
surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a
package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.

"The curlers are on me."

orca1946
April 7th, 2008, 02:44 PM
These make my day when I read them!

3strokes
April 7th, 2008, 07:10 PM
For women (mostly)

Give a man a fish, you're feeding him for a day.












Teach him how to fish, you'll enjoy peaceful weekends.












Teach him how to surf the WWW, you'll enjoy peace for the rest of your life.

knelson
April 8th, 2008, 12:19 AM
Here's one for those of you who enjoy Norwegian jokes. This one is even swimming related!

So Lena was competing in the Sons of Norway Swim Meet and she came in
last place in the hundred yard breaststroke and she said to the judges,
"Oh say, I don't vant to complain, but I tink those other two girls were
using dere arms"!

orca1946
April 8th, 2008, 01:09 AM
If some people know it all, then why are they not the ones to win the lotto???!

quicksilver
April 8th, 2008, 01:27 PM
Job at FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room
you will find your wife sitting in a chair . Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said,
'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,. to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The
door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

3strokes
April 8th, 2008, 11:05 PM
If some people know it all, then why are they not the ones to win the lotto???!

And re those infomercials where they want to sell you the secret to becoming a millionnaire for 29.95, if they know the secret, why aren't they already zillionnaires? And why would they want to share it for chicken-feed?

poolraat
April 10th, 2008, 12:32 PM
SENIOR DATING

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with
you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for
dinner a marvelous dinner lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and
has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

geochuck
April 12th, 2008, 11:36 AM
Can you cry under water ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to ?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity ?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box ?

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What disease did cured ham actually have ?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage ?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours ?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing ?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV ?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground ?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural ?

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat ?


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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

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If Wile E.. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner ?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Why did you just try singing the two songs above ?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window ?

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quicksilver
April 12th, 2008, 02:44 PM
Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria , go to the map and find North
America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered
America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using
tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how
I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for
water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important t hing we have
today that we didn't have ten
years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than
you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with
'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of
the alphabet.'

_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now,
Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his
hand.

______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good
cook.

______________________________
TEA CHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.

___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps
on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

3strokes
April 12th, 2008, 05:10 PM
Question:
"Why are men so stupid?"

Answer (by a man):
"Because it's in our jeans."

3strokes
April 13th, 2008, 09:27 AM
If this is too risqué for this forum, please let me know and I'll delete it.
Personally, I don't believe it is; just a nice play on words:

A policeman in (any city) is out for a walk out in the street and sees a Cowboy coming down the street with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Officer . I'm visiting your fair city. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go up to her room with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.

Then she gets on the bed and says, "Now go to town, cowboy..." and here I am."

meldyck
April 13th, 2008, 09:57 AM
Ahmed,

was he a blond cowboy?

If you don't know the answer, you don't need to hand me any money...

geochuck
April 13th, 2008, 10:07 AM
3 strokes are you sure he wasn't a neufie? Neufie can also be spelled Newfie.

Sorry everyone else only a Canadian can tell you what a neufie is.

Here is a neufie shindig http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj3JXIAzM5Q&feature=related

and another http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNhgzbjd4RA&NR=1

Neufies are from our province of Newfoundland our east coasters.

ALM
April 13th, 2008, 08:14 PM
Not exactly a joke, but funny....

The Official Hillary Nutcracker:

http://www.hillarynutcracker.com/completelynuts.html

3strokes
April 13th, 2008, 08:40 PM
3 strokes are you sure he wasn't a neufie? Neufie can also be spelled Newfie.
Sorry everyone else only a Canadian can tell you what a neufie is.
Neufies are from our province of Newfoundland our east coasters.

Each country has (and I believe some Continents have) their own "Newfie" equivalents.
In Spain, they are called "lepero" sing. or "leperos" pl. (I can't remember the name of the region they come from.)

I found it. The city is Lepe in Southwest Spain, to the West of Cadiz on the way to Faro, Portugal

================================================== =====
The "lepero" Manolo was going through harsh financial times so he decided to get into the kidnapping business.


He went to the nearest playground and grabbed the first kid he found.
He took the kid home and wrote the following note:

"I have kidnapped your son. If you want him back alive, tomorrow morning at 7am, in the park, leave a bag with $100,000 behind the Eucalyptus tree
Signed: Manolo, the Lepero."

He folded the note, put it in the kid's pockets and told him to go home and show the note to his father.

Next morning, at 0700, he goes to the park and finds the bag with the money and a note that said, "Man, This low; I can't believe that you, a "Lepero" would do this to another "Lepero"!"

3strokes
April 14th, 2008, 10:15 AM
We'll make them Leperos since we might have some Newfies in this e-neighbourhood.

During the Astronauts Space Convention, the Americans, Russians and Leperos were having a few drinks together.

The Russian (after too many Smirnoffs):
"We are the absolute best. We were the first to go into space."

The Americans (on Martinis? Bourbons? Manhattans? Shirley Temples?):
"Nosirree Bob no. We are the best. We put a man on the Moon."

The Leperos (on Cerveza, Jereces and Tintos):
"Well amigos, we can tell you that we are soon going to be the undisputed Champions of Space. Our next mission is to put a man on the Sun and bring him back."

"No way", exclaimed the Americans and Russians. "The Sun's too hot!"

"Do you think we're that stupid?" replied the Lepero. "We'll go at night."

geochuck
April 14th, 2008, 10:22 AM
HA - HA - HA