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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

As soon as I acquire certain required technical skills, with luck by the year 2027, I hope to begin posting occasional video blog musings on the world of competitive swimming as it is being experienced by a specimen now aged 56 (and 75 in 2027).

For the foreseeable future, these vlogs are likely to be 2-D. But as soon as holographic film technology becomes available, subscribers will be able to watch me swim, put on difficult body suits with the help of ointments, swallow an increasingly multitudinous number of cardiovascular and psychiatric medications, and demonstrate the various other essential skills of the ripening male masters swimmer.

I will, if space and interest allows, also post vlogs about my fellow swimmers that I meet and stalk at various meets. An example of this can be found here, which I posted previously on the regular forum. It is about the magnificent Leslie Livingston and was made with the help of my twin brother John.

BORKED

I invite you to enjoy!

  1. Vlog Aggregator for byJimThornton.com!!!!

    by , November 30th, 2012 at 12:40 PM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)
    Great news, everyone! And just in time for the free gift-giving season!

    My USMS swimming vlog, the No. 1 Internet source of news about Jim Thornton's somewhat-related-to-swimming stream-of-consciousness ramblings, is now going to serve a second and arguably even more important raison d'etre:

    Driving traffic to my neonatal blog, http://byjimthornton.com/


    The Vlog will, in other words, now serve as a "news aggregator" for the blog, and vice versa. I would explain what this means if I understood it myself, but I don't have a clue. In fact, I am just throwing around words like "news aggregator" in the hopes that they might apply to what I am doing. In any event, whatever it is I am attempting here, I am pretty sure it will work in some capacity or other, without causing the global Internet to crash under the sheet massiveness of my daily drivel.

    Emphasis on the pretty.

    In any event, my new blog, http://byjimthornton.com/, not to be confused with this current vlog, http://forums.usms.org/blog.php?u=26, will feature some unbelievably enchanting unique content including:

    * Actual .pdf's of some of my magazine articles written over the years. These, unlike most of my vlogs 'n blogs, have actually useful information in them! You can learn, for instance, how to shorten the pain of heartbreak, determine your zygosity if you are a twin, and subscribe via RSS feed technology to http://byjimthornton.com/. And so many more useful things, too!


    Visitors to http://byjimthornton.com/ will be able to effortless click to view and/or save for your permanent electronic library charming and frequently award-winning articles such as the above (which won the 1992 Gold Medal Award for Best Article of the Year, The Council for Advancement and Support of Education (CASE)!


    * Actual cartoon novellas drawn and written by me both now in my senescence and during my juvenilia days--watch a mind develop and decay all at a single one-stop site!


    A snippet from the entirely viewable online and/or downloadable for permanent library inclusion of the ongoing cartoon autobiography: Jim! Up Through Screamer.


    * The Thornton Twins Podcast, not yet up, but which should be up very soon--perfect for downloading to your smartphone and playing either late at night when you need a cure for insomnia, or behind the wheel when you need to stave off grogginess and evade vehicular misadventure!


    Women of a certain vintage who have long fantasized about a dalliance with twins are free to stoke said fantasies while listening to the Thornton twins discuss the leading issues of the day in their deeply resonant male voices that only occasionally squeak!

    Go ahead! We do not mind being fodder for your fantasies, though if you have ever been diagnosed with erotomania (ero·to·ma·nia/ (-ma´ne-ah) 1. a type of delusional disorder in which the subject harbors a delusion that a particular person is deeply in love with them; lack of response is rationalized, and pursuit and harassment may occur), please know that John and I are not what we appear to be in this handsome picture from our younger days, but rather are constipated old cranks riddled with disgusting personal habits and you would be much better off fixating on these twins instead:


    Okay. I know what you're thinking. "Jim, you had me at 'Great news!' What do I need to do to make it incredibly simple to follow your new blog, http://byjimthornton.com/, on the Internet? To be honest, I am not that technologically savvy."

    First of all, don't be ashamed! I, too, am not that technologically savvy. And figuring out how to make things as easy and enjoyable as humanly possible for anybody on earth to find and follow me remains an ongoing challenge.

    But here is what I recommend for now, at least:

    1. Check out this blog entry first, http://byjimthornton.com/2012/11/29/...ckerberg-weep/, which will explain how to use RSS feed technology to automatically funnel any new entries into your "reader"--and I even provide links to some good, free readers for those of you who, like me, don't know what "readers" are. Note: there remain some bugs in the system, so please be patient with the RSS feeding/reader thing! Eventually, it will all go swimmingly.

    2. Click on this link next for an easy-to-scroll compendium of the blogs so far posted http://byjimthornton.com/all-posts/ so that you can read each one at your leisure, clicking away with abandon at all the little buttons at the bottom of each entry (share with Facebook, Twitter, G+, email, and the like.)

    Thanks ever so much, my friends! In the month or so I have been working on http://byjimthornton.com/, I have already managed to "earn" $6.50 in eye ball views, assuming some of these aren't later deemed fraudulent! Once the new blog accumulates $100 worth of non-fraudulent eyeball view-based revenue, which I estimate will occur sometime in the third quarter of 2017, I shall cut a check to my Chief Technology Officer, Liam White, for 10 percent of the amount, and use the remainder to buy premium catfood for a much deserved family celebration!

    And you will all be invited!
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  2. Of Dots, Gluttony, and Muskrats

    by , November 25th, 2012 at 01:42 PM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)
    First of all, a very belated Happy Thanksgiving 2012 for all my viewers:


    I ate, of course, the Traditional American Thanksgiving Feed on Thursday, followed by the Traditional American Thanksgiving Leftover Feed the moment I woke up for breakfast on Black Friday.

    And the gluttony has not taken more than a few moments rest ever since.

    I am becoming a bloated monstrosity.

    Last night, for example, I went to the local Bottom Dollar store and found a good price on center cut pork chops. The smallest package I could find, unfortunately, contained four of these beauties. I do not like leftovers when it comes to the other white meat, so I grilled and ate four of these:


    and washed them down with some fizzy water and a whole avacado. Then I went to see Skyfall with my teammate Ben Mayhew and Liam White, son of our other teammate, Bill White. Liam is a boy genius and computer wizard about whom I will soon be writing more TERRIBLY EXCITING SWIMMING TECHNOLOGY DEVELOPMENTS LIKELY TO REVOLUTIONIZE THE WAY YOU WASTE TIME ON YOUR SMART PHONE!!!

    Anyhow, at the movie theater, I purchased a box of Dots:


    in the only size available. I gave Liam most, though I concede, not all of the green ones, and ate the rest of the Dots myself.

    Thanks to the way they calculate grams of sugar on the size of the box, it seemed at first that perhaps I had not done myself too much diabetes-inducing damage. But then I realized that they were talking about grams of sugar per serving, of which there were actually five servings in the box.

    Bottom line: as a chaser to my four grilled porkers and avocado, and as a prelude to my later beers and Klondike bar, I had inadvertently consumed 105 grams of sugar, somewhat more than the 25 grams per day recommended for men.

    I will leave unspecified my breakfast and lunch preceding the Pork-Avacado-Dots main meal of the day, but suffice it to say, I didn't starve myself.

    All of which circles me back to why this has relevance to my swimming and, for that matter, the Archimedes Principle.

    To wit, I am becoming so bloated with fat and plumptitude that I greatly fear my recent swimming accomplishment (i.e., that first ever individual All American rating: still not absolutely guaranteed, but looking ever more cautiously optimistic as Dec. 1 hustles towards us!) might be my last one.

    Partly because I must move so much additional fat-weight through the water.

    And partly because the sheer bulk of me is displacing so much water from the pool itself that there might not be enough left to actually swim in.

    All of which further circles me back to my Happy Thanksgiving card, photoshopped by my friend, Bill Robertson, who years and years ago similarly photoshopped a picture of me grilling a monkey in the jungle for use as my annual Christmas card. (Do not worry! I shall post this when the time is right!)

    Anyhow, the creature I appear to be eating in my Happy Thanksgiving card is a muskrat, trapped and skinned by Dan E., a carpenter who does a lot of work for my wife and me at out Bed & Breakfast in Western, PA:


    It occurred to me that maybe I could shed a few pounds if I went on the Modern Paleo Pittburger Diet™, eating only things like muskrats and pine cones that I can harvest on my own from the Western PA hinterlands.



    Muskrat in water



    Muskrat in truck



    Muskrat in me belly
    So far, unfortunately, I haven't managed to make the switch.

    But looking at these last two pictures on a regular basis has helped put me at least slightly off my Traditional American Feed Diet.

    And I hope, perchance, they will do the same for you!

    If you get a chance, please check out my new actual blog, where I am hoping to slowly archive many of my published magazine stories over the years. There are already a couple entries up that have swimming articles available for free .pdf downloads:


    I would be thrilled if any of you out there would consider "subscribing" via RSS to my new blog, known simply as ByJimThornton:


    I'm hoping it might one day prove to be a poor man's pitiable pension plan, cranking out revenue via page view advertising in the neighborhood of $3.25 per month.

    I am definitely going to need the money when the Modern Paleo Pittburger Diet™ inevitably fails and I end up--as we all know I shall--in The Nursing Home For Dot Addicted Fatties™.
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  3. Jimmy Boo Boo Child's Possibly Premature Ejaculation

    by , November 9th, 2012 at 11:01 AM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)


    It begins!

    All


    All


    All


    All


    All


    All


    All


    ALL (FIRST EVER INDIVIDUAL) AMERICAN!!!!!?





    !


    Let's hope the above ejaculation does not prove premature, for the listings are still preliminary. My fingers have been crossed so long it looks like I have developed arthritis.

    For those hoping to follow in my path to flukish glory in what the current edition of Swimmer calls "the premiere event in swimming, the 100 LCM freestyle", I say it is critical to have a good role model.

    I will happily shoulder that burden for you, just as a little girl down 'Bama way has shouldered that burden for me!


    Note: to see the movie, you need to click on this link. Clicking on the picture below the link won't do you any good.

    I would also like to thank, in as public a way as possible, cinematographer and still photographer nonpareil, John Kuzmkowski.

    How John has time to work on his artistry while simultaneously racking up the #2 position in Go The Distance is beyond me!

    If I were a young girl, and I assure you I am not, I would find this combination of creativity and indefatigable endurance absolutely irresistible.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM3wa...ican - YouTube


    Updated November 9th, 2012 at 01:45 PM by jim thornton

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