In a very rare, in fact, unheard of double vlog posting in one day, I present to you breaking news from the cutting edge of swimming celebrity journalism!
I, your humble gossip-mongering Masters swimming vlogger, feel I simply can't sit on this story. It is THAT timely and topical.
Tonight, while wasting time on Facebook, I noted that two of my "friends" were on at the same time I was. These two friends were:
Ambrose "Rowdy" Gaines http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rowdy_Gaines
And Ian "Guitar Neck Penis" Crocker http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Crocker
What initially caught my eye and inspired me to talk to Ambrose was a product he was apparently hawking:
Blu Frog Energy (Easy Cash Opportunity)
Ambrose, AKA, Rowdy, is listed as one of the administers of a marketing site on Facebook set up to sell this stuff. I found this a bit, well, disgusting. So I began the chat and will reproduce it in its entirety for your vicarious reading pleasure:
__________________________________________ Ambrose 'Rowdy' Gaines
hop on over to the new energy drink, "Blu Frog"! TLC's all new healthy energy drink! http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=3772010 9826. about an hour ago
10:31pm James how much do you get paid for this?
10:32pm Ambrose hey there, you are paid in commission for every case you sell
there is a whole set of commission rates
10:32pmJames good luck
10:33pmAmbrose oh i'm not apart of the selling at all. i'm just sharing the opportunity with other people
10:33pmJames okay. well, good luck to them then
10:34pmAmbrose haha. alrighty then
10:34pmJames hahahaha. don't mean to be a hard ass here or a sumbitch. nothing wrong with money
10:35pmAmbrose haha i gotchya brother...
10:35pmJames is this the actual ambrose, or is it an ambrose impersonator? part of Ambrose Rowdy Gaines Amalgamated Enterprise LPC INC Holding Co.?
10:36pmAmbrose i'll let you decide that
10:36pmJames I think this is a wholely owned subsidiary of Ambrose Inc. Which is still closer to celebrity than I have gotten all day
10:37pmAmbrose LOL hey i'll be right back
10:37pmJames The real Ambrose should be out with supermodels or practicing his annoucing diction
AT THIS POINT, AMBROSE'S PROMISE TO "BE RIGHT BACK" BEGAN TO SEEM DUPLICITOUS. OH, LET'S NOT PUT TOO FINE A FACE ON IT. THE BASTARD LIED TO ME. AFTER AN AGONIZING 47 SECONDS OF ANTICIPATION, IT BECAME ABUNDANTLY CLEAR HE WOULD NOT BE RIGHT BACK. I BEGAN TO WONDER IF HE WOULD BE BACK AT ALL.
THEN MY EYE CAUGHT THE ARRIVAL ON THE SCENE OF ONE OF SWIMMING'S OTHER GREAT CELEBRITIES, ONE MR. IAN CROCKER, BUTTERFLYING LEGEND. ALAS, IT SEEMED LIKE MR. CROCKER HAD A PROBLEM. IT WAS A PROBLEM, MOREOVER, THAT I THOUGHT PERHAPS I COULD HELP HIM WITH: RELIEF FROM THE CONDITION HE CLAIMED TO SUFFER. TO WIT:
is bored out of his mind.7 minutes ago
Is this the actual Ian Crocker who is bored out of his mind?
Ian? Mr. Crocker?
Mr. Ian "Bored out of his mind" Crocker?
Mr. Ian Crocker!
Is this Mr. Chokablock o' Crockadock Eee Crocker?
Theory: Ian Crocker's people put out on Facebook that Ian Crocker is bored out his mind and within nanoseconds swimming groupies descend upon him and...
This is your mother, young man!
I am over at Jim Thornton's house and--no, it's none of your business what I am doing at Jim Thornton's house at this hour, Ian.
Ian, you impertinent little...
Go to your room!
You come over here, and I will give you something to be bored about.
ALAS, NONE OF MY APPEALS TO MR. CROCKER MANAGED TO BRING HIM SUFFICIENTLY OUT OF HIS TORPOR TO REPLY TO MY EARNEST REQUESTS FOR A DIALOGUE AMONG SWIMMERS. AT FIRST, I WAS PEEVED, THEN I STARTED TO WORRY--SHOULD I CALL 9 1 1 AND TRY TO GET HIM PSYCHIATRIC HELP AND POSSIBLY AND STOMACH PUMP? THEN CONCERN TURNED BACK TO PEEVISHNESS, AND I WENT BACK TO CHECK ON AMBROSE AGAIN.
10:44pmJames I just attempted a conversation with another, albeit somewhat less famous, swimming legend, Mr. Ian, Bored out of His Mind, Crocker. No progress was made.
10:45pm James I see that the Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Ambrose "Rowdy" Gaines Incorporated Amalgamation Inc. Off Shore Licensing and Leasing Company is off helping other Facebook friends hop on over to Blu Frog Energy Drink Sales and Riches!
Maybe I am being unfair. Okay, I acknowledge that it is possible I am being unfair. It is now 11:14, almost a full half hour since Ambrose promised to get right back to me.
I will quickly check Facebook to see what Rowdy and Ambrose have to say. I am sure all is forgiven and forgotten, that we are best buddies again, and that they will probably be asking me for videos of my swimming strokes so that they can provide free pointers.
Be right back!
Please join me in boycotting Blu Frog Energy Drink. As for you Ian, I could have saved you, man. It was only boredom. You didn't have to die. If only you'd replied just once so I could have triangulated your location and notified 9 1 1.
Rest in peace, Mr. Crocker. Where you're going now, I hear boredom is the least of the problems--and all they give you down there to slake your considerable thirst? You guessed it! Blu Frog Energy Drink, the choice of damned swimmers everywhere.