Three continuous days of trying to make sense of three-year old receipts in preparation for IRS Ragnarok has left my brain feeling like it's being pummeled by heat lightning and bees. The best advice so far has been found in a homework assignment that my friend Bill's son, Liam, boy genius, completed recently. Liam simulating his look of reflection during the class in which the idiom assignment was handed out by Miss Crabnik, or whatever her name is. Miss Crabnik's assignment completed by Liam quickly and with an enviable combination of succinctness and accuracy. Oh, how easy life is when one has the freedom to open one's piehole, and the happy world economy tugs its small bits of flotsam like me in a balmy current! Shall we ever see the likes of such days again? On this note, a very, very quick update of February 21st, 2009's "Cliffhangers" vlog entry. To job your memories, this was a list of depressing questions I was asking myself back then, that is to say, before things got much, much worse: Will he lose what little net "worth" he has left to the IRS? LIKELY BUT NOT YET DETERMINEDWill he get over his cold? YES, BUT ANOTHER IS INEVITABLEWill his estrogen levels rise in a clinically significant way, LIKELY BUT NOT YET DETERMINED and will he then sell video access to his moobs on the Internet to a wealthy subset of very peculiar fetishists? UNLIKELY BUT NOT YET DETERMINED Will he act on an impulse, increasingly boisterous within his serotonin-depleted brain, that urges him to substitute one stubborn vice for an old relinquished one? SO FAR NO BACKSLIDING BUT WHO CAN HOLD OUT FOREVER Will he lose his job? SIGNS POINT TO YESWill he get the go ahead to write about masters swimming LIKELY BUT NOT YET DETERMINED and perchance get to attend Y Nationals in Ft. Lauderdale NO and try to talk the B70 Corporation into lending him a suit? NOWill he be forced to sell his ancestral stomping grounds and boyhood home for worthless pennies on the even more worthless dollar? NOT YET DETERMINED BUT CONSIDERING PLACING A CRAIG'S LIST AD FOR LODGERSWill he grow a spine or continue to lose bone density here until the metamorphosis into an invertebrate is done? NO SPINE YET PER SE, BUT SLIGHT VESTIGIAL TAIL GROWTH APPARENTWill he figure out how to get Windows Movie Maker to work again on his computer so he can do piss poor video edting, which would at least allow him to vlog again? NOWill his brother John ever download the most recent batch of lugubrious footage he sent him and turn it into something amusing? YES Will he spell cliffhanger with two f's, i.e., the conventional way, or with one f, in deference to the soy-filled energy bars that are helping him to grow a pair of hirsute titulars? NOT YET DETERMINEDWill readership of the vlog continue its downwards trend as his fellow Americans, bloated with their own grief, tire of reading about his? YESWill he swim tomorrow's 1650 at CMU despite his head already swimming within its suffocating skullcap? YES; AS ONE GREAT MAN ONCE PUT IT: IT IS FINISHED. Will he appear on Court TV after doing something, or some many things, decidedly ill-advised? NOT YET DETERMINED Will he ever again smile and swagger and speak without a palsied twitching of the voice box? YES, BUT ONLY BY ACTINGWill he end up in the one place he has always dreaded most, the Snake Pit, being administered to by nurse R? NOT YET DETERMINEDWill he go to his grave waylaid still in the one dimensionality of the first person? NOT YET DETERMINEDWill he keep the card house standing? NOT YET DETERMINED Will he enjoy the “largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate”--or will he find this cold comfort at best? NOWill he hang or drown or go the way of most? NOT YET DETERMINED Will he get a PR again? NOT YET DETERMINED Will he have his way with a CreamPuff like vision?IT'S UP TO HER, BUT THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T THINK WE ARE COUSINS LOOKS PROMISING Will he gain or lose his will? AGAIN, IT'S UP TO HER AND A COMMITTEE OF HER KINFOLK AND COUNTRY ELDER HILL PEOPLE, IN OTHER WORDS, NOT LIKELY
Updated April 16th, 2009 at 10:35 AM by jim thornton
Had to cut it short today, So, Warm 300 6x200 2x 200FR, 200IM, 200BK (first time with the little short fins, 2nd time no fins) 2x75 FR 1:10 3x50 FR :45 cool 100 1800 yds Im getting used to the 200IM, which should make my 100IM all the easier! I really like the Bettertimes Orange fins, especially for the BR kick, I don't have it down yet, however the fins force me to keep good form, It magnify's the "feel" so I guess I just am very BR K challenged!
No real workouts today. Had a deep tissue massage booked. Um, boy, did I need it! I was sore and tight everywhere. Massage therapist, like the chiro, didn't think my hip was really "injured" (no pulling, tearing, etc). Just thought I had over stretched/over contracted it and it was spasming some. Unfortunately, absent the complete rest Jimby was talking about, it could take awhile to resolve. I'll just stay away from lunges and maybe limit the fast kicking for a bit. On a funny note, she also asked how I can even run with my loose floppy ankles. lol (One other tidbit: If you're rehabbing an injured area, best to use a massage-chiro sequence rather than the other way around.) Afterward, swam an easy 1500 and sat in the hot tub. Tomorrow, I'll lift and do the workout Geek posted this am. Looked like a very nice and enjoyable speed workout. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here's something to chew on: http://library.crossfit.com/free/pdf...ad_Lifting.pdf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Questions: 1. When you're writing down your weight workout, does the amount of the weight come first? 2. Is anyone doing plyometrics? If so, which exercises? 3. Anyone have any other recommendations for good core exercises for variety? Anyone doing a wood chopper on the med ball? (That will make Jazz grind his teeth, I'm sure.) 4. If you do pushups with a weight on your back, is this putting more of a load on your shoulders or your torso/back? 5. Is anyone using resistance bands like Ande? Anyone have an opinion on them? 6. How often are we supposed to use the foam roller? Every other day?
Updated March 12th, 2009 at 03:27 PM by The Fortress
I started doing some strength training about a month ago. I made a deal with a friend who is a personal trainer, she wants to do a triathlon and needs a swim coach and I need a trainer to help me with a weight program. Works out great for both of us. I haven't been blogging the weights sessions because I couldn't remember everything we did each time. I've been doing this twice weekly with one session focusing on lower body and core and the other, upper and core. What we do varies from week to week. Here is what I did last Tuesday: Leg workout 3 sets of the following Core: Overhead extension with alternating legs (10lb plate) 10 reps each side Oblique toe taps 20 each side Knee-ins 15 reps Back extensions (10 lb weight) 15 First circuit: Step-ups (15lb dumbbells) 20 reps each side Split Squat (25lb plate) 15 reps each side Lying Hamstring Curl (70Lbs) 15 reps Second circuit: Leg Press (90 lbs for 20 reps 140lbs for 15reps- last 2 sets at 140 for 15) Lunge (15lb dumbbells) 15-20 reps
SCY, solo Warmup 400 swim (did all free, focusing on a tight body line) 4 x 50 alt. drill/long stroke on 1:05; do one of each stroke 4 x 50 on :55 free descend 1-4 (went from :41->:36 ) Main Set pull 4 x 75 free on 1:20 with paddles: hold at about 70% (ave 1:00 felt really smooth and relaxed and didn't think I was swimming that fast) swim 4 x 25 fly all out on :40 (around :18-19) 50 easy pull 4 x 75 back on 1:20 w/o paddles: (ave 1:05 again felt smooth and relatively effortless) swim 4 x 25 fly all out on :40 (around :18-19) 50 easy swim 4 x 75 breast on 1:45: keep the stroke long (ave 1:25-30, I still don't like this stroke but it is getting a little easier) swim 4 x 25 fly all out on :40 (around :18-19) 50 easy pull 4 x 75 free with paddles on 1:20 at about 70% again (ave 1:00 and still felt smooth and easy) Cool down swim 300 (alternated 50 free/50 back) Total: 2750 yards Will do my 75 min yoga class tonight.
Updated March 12th, 2009 at 03:02 PM by poolraat
Being your own coach can be good and bad. When you don't plan ahead you can do what feels good today. When you do plan ahead you are stuck with what you thought you wanted to do. You can gues today was a Do what feels good non planned day. 5x200 @ 3:30 Free very slow and sluggish right bicep hurting alittle 500 Breast Kick with fins really use the legs here 10x50 @ 1:10 Breast held between 50-51 200 Free EZ 100 Breast for time 1:41 200 Free EZ 100 Breast for time 1:43 200 Free EZ 100 Breast for time 1:43 200 Free EZ 500 Free kick with fins putting effort into this 4x100 @ 1:50 Free EZ just make it Total 4000 yards
I hurried over to LA Fitness after work in an attempt to beat the crowd....it worked and I only had to share a lane for about 5 minutes. "Jump Rope For Heart" is in full swing this week at my school. The sad thing is we had a young Dad from our school (44) die last Friday from a massive stroke at the local indoor soccer gym. I have a hard time talking about Lifestyle Diseases with kids after a tragedy like this. It makes it sound like you are placing blame. I guess I'll just focus on positive fitness habits and great nutrition! Okay, here's my workout for the day. I was going to do about 800 yds more but I reduced the workout due to being tired and just feeling disordered. I really think it is non-productive to practice bad swimming. 1) Swim 500 Warm-up 2) 4 X (2 X 100 and 6 X 25 Stroke) #1 Free on 100's at 2:00 25's Fly on :30. #2 Free on 100's at 1:50 25's Back on :40 #3 Free on 100's at 1:45 25's Breast on :45 #4 Free on 100's at 1:45 25's Free on :30 3) 5 X 200 on 3:45--All of them 100 IM/100 Free combo 4) 8 X 6 and Roll Drill w/ fins easy and smooth 5) 100 back cool-down 3,150 yards I started reading the cross-fit information from Fort's Blog. Wow, that's alot of information. I will try to read a section per night. I agree swimming is the best exercise for swimming, but variety is nice too. I also feel everyone (especially young females) need exercise with weight bearing/impact in order to strengthen the bones. Weight bearing exercise is good for ageing athletes....it helps us maintain good balance and equillibirium(sp?). Do any of you older folks ever feel a little dizzy after a longer or extra intense pool workout? Have a terrific Thursday!
A.M. 2 mile easy run - 10 minute miles P.M. 2800 yard swim Well, I noticed today that despite the added running and biking, my legs don't look as fit as they did two months ago when I was just swimming. For several months leading up to 6 weeks ago, I was doing 50-60% of my workouts with fins on in preparation for sprints at Auburn. Most of my work was high intensity/lots of recovery kind of stuff. I underestimated how great fins are for building strong muscles in the thigh area. I actually think that my quads have slighty atrophied since I stopped using them consistently 6 weeks ago. With this in mind, I hit the pool today and did the following workout: Warm-up: 2 x Reverse 200 I.M. (one arm drill on fly); 4 x 25 build on :30 10 x 100 kick with fins odds: back flutter kick evens: dolphin kick on back #1-3 on 1:40 #4-6 on 1:35 #7-10 on 1:40 (Held 1:10 to 1:15 on back flutter; held 1:10 on back dolphin) 100 easy 10 x 100 free pull with paddles only #1-3 on 1:40 #4-6 on 1:35 #7-10 on 1:40 (Held 1:05 to 1:10) 200 easy Total yards: 2800 Thoughts: On the back dolphin, it was obvious I had not done these in six weeks and that my core was simply not as strong as it was a couple of months ago. Now I will need to add core work to my weight routine and probably need to continue doing some dolphin kick on my back when I know I'm not going to have a hard run workout the next day. I was holding 1:05 on the back dolphins on a similar interval before I stopped using the fins. Moral of the story: Fins are awesome and IMO nearly as good as lower body weight lifting for building muscle, strength, and power in the legs.
Updated March 11th, 2009 at 08:44 PM by elise526
Swim/Solo/SCY: Warm up: 750 variety warm up Main sets: 5 x 100 @ 1:45, single arm fly drill 50 EZ 8 x 75 kick w/MF, done as: 25 AFAP belly shooter + 10 seconds rest + 50 tempo dolphin kick (odds on back, evens w/board (no real interval for the 75s) 100 EZ 5 x (4 x 50) @ 1:00 #1 easy swim #2 easy kick #3 whatever I felt like #4 AFAP backstroke w/fins Went 26.5ish on the backstrokes. Choked on the 4th AFAP one big time. Had to take an extra 1:00 before starting the last 4 50s. Didn't beat myself up or feel the need to wear a hair shirt. 100 EZ Total: 3100 Not much yardage, but I got some fast 25s and 50s in. 5 minutes hot tub ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Questions/RandomThoughts: 1. Does it make that much difference in strength gain if you're an ADD lifter or a methodical lifter following a plan like Lezak's? 2. Does anyone notice elbow or wrist pain when doing push ups? (I didn't yesterday as I didn't do that many, just asking.) 3. Jazz thinks my Cavic fly exercise is "silly." lol. Not sure. Maybe it would be more beneficial if it was done on a machine like Cavic used at The Race Club. I recall that Dara Torres was doing a similar exercise on the yoga ball, except that it was freestyle specific. She would hold a 10 pound circular weight in each hand and simulate swimming freestyle while balancing her torso on the yoga ball. I tried this once a long time ago -- it was NOT easy. Mini-Fort saw me doing the Cavic exercise and thought it was cool, so she's tried it. She's under the impression that is it "helping" her fly. I think in her case it's pure placebo. 4. Ahelee mentioned she knew of no elite masters yet who were doing Cross Fit training. I seem to recall Tall Paul telling me they were incorporating Cross Fit type exercises at The Race Club. Of course, its application to masters is much more problematic because of our propensity to injury and relative fragility. The Smiths are experimenting. Need to ask exactly what exercises they're doing! 5. Anyone glance at the nutrition article on the Cross Fit website? The diet looks very Zone Plan-ish and low carb. I just don't think I could follow a diet like that. May account for how cut the chicks look though. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sleep: Saw this article in an email from USMS: http://www.usms.org/articles/articledisplay.php?a=181 I've been a horrible sleeper since I turned 40, so I definitely agree with the point about our capacity for effective sleep diminishing. However, Mr. Miller then says the solution to this is more "restorative" sleep. Huh? How exactly does this happen if you can't sleep soundly and effectively? Maybe Chris can ask him to clarify this superficial analysis!
Updated March 11th, 2009 at 06:02 PM by The Fortress
SCY, Solo Warmup 300 swim free 300 IM kick (no board) 300 pull free breathe 3/5 by 25 8x25 drill choice on 30: mix up the strokes! (did these in IM order) Main Set swim 6 x 100 back on 1:45 descend 1-3, 4-6 (went 1:28-26-24, 1:32-28-25) 50 easy swim 4x150 on 2:40: odds 50 bk/br/fr (went 2:30 on these) evens 50 fl/bk/br (went 2:35, 38) 50 easy swim 16x25 on :35 in sets of 3: #1 easy free; #2 1/2 under, 1/2 over about 90% fly; #3 1/2 under, 1/2 over backstroke, also at ~90% #16 is easy free Cool down 200 easy free/back Total: 3000 yards
11:00 AM to Noon at the Downtown YMCA (SCM) coached by Elisa. Warmup: 200 free 200 alternate fisted free/free by 25s 150 back kick (hands at side, roll from side to side every 3rd kick working on balance and good hip roll) 2x125 free on 2:20 - 1st build from slow to fast - 2nd build from moderate to really fast Main Set: 4x50 back AFAP on 1:00 - I did 1 and 3 back and went right around :50 for each - 2 and 4 were slower free and I did :46 or so for each 1x150 free recovery on 4:00 2x25 free sprint on :45 - I went :17 and :18 4x50 free AFAP on :50 - Ouch! I held :40s 1x150 free recovery on 4:00 2x25 back sprint on :45 - I went ~:22s for these 50 free recovery Mountain: 1-2-3-3-2-1 50 fast free on :55 with :20 extra rest between each set - Coach said give them everything I have left - I started out with :42s and slowed to :47s/:48s (due to a miscommunication, we did the first and second as a 25 rather than a 50). Warmdown: 150 free 2350 meters Notes: My backstroke is feeling significantly stronger. However, it still takes a lot out of me, so I had to swim #2 and #4 50s free so I could recover from trying to go fast on the backstroke 50s! I thought I might get sick on the way back down the mountain. Interval 2 on the second set of 3 just about did me in. But I finished!Turns out that sometimes the coach uses the term "sprint" to get us old people in gear. Today was mostly a lactate tolerance workout, which I kind of like because I'm ill in that way!
Updated March 11th, 2009 at 08:32 PM by Iwannafly (Perhaps I'll have to be more careful when choosing titles for my workouts.)
Today's Wed Mar 11th, 2009 my next 2 meets are: South Central Zones, 16 days away / 2 weeks 2 days & 2009 SCY Nats in Clovis, 58 days away / 8 weeks 2 days I'm now training for speed & strength, which is like tapering. I'm done with aerobic & distance training for this season. Might do some gentle aerobic sets, but the fastest intervals I'll do is 1:15 / 1:20 instead of 1:05 / 1:10 I plan to train through zones, might rest a day, 2 or 3 for it. My goal is to 1) swim faster times in practice, 2) get stronger, & 3) stay healthy & injury free. The best way to get stronger & faster is to not get broken down from hard swimming training. I'll rest 7 to 14 days for Nationals training will be similar to what I did just before 2008 nationals Times will tell NEXT MEET: 2009 South Central Zone USMS Championships Friday March 27 - Sun March 29, 2009 16 days away NEXT MEET USMS MASTERS NATIONALS May 8 - 10 http://www.usms.org/comp/scnats09/ 58 days away
Updated March 12th, 2009 at 05:56 PM by ande
Wed Mar 11th, 2009 right knee felt better NEXT MEET: 2009 South Central Zone USMS Championships Friday March 27 - Sun March 29, 2009 16 days away Entered: Fri 400 IM Sat 100 IM 50 BR 50 BK 100 FL Sun 50 FR 100 BK 200 IM 50 FL 200 FR NEXT MEET USMS MASTERS NATIONALS May 8 - 10 http://www.usms.org/comp/scnats09/ 58 days away Program to Count Days WEIGHTS (San marcos world gym 6:30 - 7:00) bench 10 x 135 5 x 185 4 x 190 lat pull 8 x 165 5 x 205 4 x 215 leg press 10 x 180 8 x 270 lat press 10 x 40 8 x 45, 8 x 50 BANDS 4 sets of 10 reps with 2 blue cords & 1 red cord TODAYS SWIM PRACTICE 7:45 - 9:00 Whitney Coached scy TSC diving well swam with Tyler dove in around 8:15 bad traffic 100 easy assigned 4 x 200 did 4 x (2 x 50) k 25 bk 50 bk 75 bk 100 bk went 1:00 assigned 4 x 150 did 4 x (2 x 50) 25 br 50 br 75 br 100 br went 1:11 assigned 4 x 100 did 4 x 50 assigned 25 fr, 50 fr, 75 fr, 100 fr put on FS pro jammers skipped the 25, 50 & 75 100 free strong from a dive 2 beat kick 1st 50 6 beat kick the 2nd 50 6 SDKs off each wall went 52 low 50 easy
Updated March 11th, 2009 at 02:50 PM by ande
Well back is giving way a little finally. did 500 ez on Monday then 700 ez and another 500 ez on Tuesday. Doubt I'll make my meet this weekend...
300 w/u 8 x 50 r:15 odds - free drill evens - fly drill 5 x (200 on 2:50, 100 choice fast on 2:00 (I did 50 fly/50 free) 50 kick on 1:10) 100 EZ 5 x 100 fast on 3:00 We did 3 (I went 1:08, 1:08, 1:10) then the coach offered a get out swim I asked if it was a 50 or another 100 he said it'd be a 50 so I stepped up. Then he said he lied it's a 100 break 1:09 and we are all done - The two guys I was swimming with went on each side of me (in other lanes) and I went for broke - 1:06. Very good time for me in practice. 200 ez
go sleep on the sailboat! There is nothing like a pink sunset and a pale moon...ale to recolor your world. I awoke this morn before the possums cross the road and headed back to town for the master workout. Got there at 6:00 and did 300 RC excercises oh great news!!! I only have to do therapy for my shoulder and the Doc said swim away!! My new motto. Pain is never having to say your sorry. 300 wu The coach writes the work out on the board and I am just trying to read it however I know we did a bunch of swim, stroke swim, drill. 100's 50's 25's about 1000 yds of these kicks 25 free, 25 stk, 25 left side 25 right side 2 sets of 2 x 100 on 1:50 2 x 50 on :55 2 x 25 on 30 Mon I did a 25 on 16 secs and 2 on 17 secs, but today I wasn't as strong. 300 latic release so around 2900 Weight machines core 50lbs 20reps x 4 leg lifts 50 x 15 x 4 leg curls 35 x 10 x 4
Updated March 11th, 2009 at 11:06 AM by flippergirl
I have been trying to improve my kick and the only way to do it is to DO IT! For some this might have seemed like an easy workout but for me it is tough. 500 Free every 3rd lap kick 20x25 @ :45 Fly with paddles 500 Fly kick on back streamline with fins (abs started to hurt around 150) 5x200 @ 3:00 Free with paddles and bouy Descend 1-5 went 2:48, 2:45, 2:43, 2:36, 2:29 (goal on last one was to go under 2:30) 5x100 @ 1:40 Free kick with fins Descend went 1:32, 1:24, 1:21, 1:20, 1:14. (legs really hurt on the 1:14) 5x100 @ 1:45 Free EZ since I couldn't feel my legs any more 500 Free every 3rd lap kick Total 4000 yards As you might be able to tell it takes me a long time to really warm up.
This is more of a cry for help than a blog. I'm doing a lot of long pool and OW swimming at the moment. A fair amount of my swims are solo, and I never really know what's going to be swirling through what's left of my grey matter during these sessions. Usually there's nothing at all going on upstairs, but occasionally I'm tormented by a song that's completely annoying. I recently aborted an open water training session much sooner than I should have, and I honestly believe Jefferson Starship was to blame (NOT me!). I'm sure I'm not alone. What are the worst songs you can have stuck in your head during a swim?? Here's a sample of some of the more painful songs I've endured during long OW swims: 1. "We Built this City" by Jefferson Starship; 2. "We're all Alone" by Boz Scaggs; 3. "Lonely No More" by Rob Thomas; 4. "Island Girl" by Elton John; 5. "Dreadlock Holiday" by 10CC; 6. "Lumberjack" by Monty Python; 7. "We all know frogs go pop in the microwave" author unknown, but the party who suggested this song before a swim knows who she is...Kim Weeks....; 8. "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield; 9. "I've done Everything for You" again..Rick Springfield; 10. "Come on Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners; 11. "Jaws Theme" by John Williams. I'll end on that one, but there are many more. Suggestions as to GOOD music to think of while swimming would be appreciated! Chicken signing off... [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZvCI-gNK_y4"]YouTube - Jaws theme!![/ame]
Updated March 10th, 2009 at 11:44 PM by Chicken of the Sea
It's always difficult to fly back home late then get up early and go to work. It will take the rest of the week for me to get organized and feel like a well-oiled machine again! I had a dental check-up right after school. I slept the whole cleaning, momentarily woke up to greet my dentist, then dozed about 8 minutes while he did his thing w/my teeth. At least the little jag of a nap helped me muster the strength for Tuesday night NASTI workout. Here's the workout: 1) 700 Yard Freestyle swim--- warm-up 2) Super 500 "A" :30 sec. interval per 25 base. Recovery 25's stroke, Swims freestyle. 3) Super 500 "B" :30 sec. interval per 25 base. Recovery 25 Freestyle, Swims IM or Stroke. 4) 2 X (5 X 50 Freestyle: 1:00, :55, :50, :45, :45 5) 4 X 50 Freestyle/Breath Control-#1 breath every 3 strokes, #2 every 4 strokes, #3 every 5 strokes, # 4 every 8 strokes (yeah right not me!) 6) 8 X 25 on :30 Controlled breathing (I don't remember what it was since I didn't do it. (I simply tried to sprint with good form) 7) Easy 100 Back for cooldown **2,700 This was a quick and fun workout! I was in the mood for short sets tonight. Jeff M. called this workout; he always gives you things to think about or some kind of purpose for each set. Tomorrow night I'm going to try one of the "Tall Paul" workouts since I'm going solo at LA Fitness. my "homemade workouts" are starting to get on my nerves, they all seem like the same thing over and over! Check out the Fortress Blog tonight. Tons of great strength information. Check out the "Crossfit" discussion and go to the website......lots of information for the mind and the body!
You probably did done yersefs some readin' bout analog boob tubes here'n the hollers and how folks in these here parts cain't get no recepshun now the gubbmint done gone messed with the airwaves and all that? Well, I ain't got no idea how she managed to git 'er done, but one of the loveliest little critters here in the cabbage patch o' AMAM finally done put us'n up to the Google and modern times. Some youns may 'a heared of our little Mermaid, one time MIss Teen PA, but hailin' back then from the central part of the state where inbreedin's not quite so intense. Let me post a couple photos here for your viewin' pleasure, courtesy of one fella out o' New York, who hired some other models who resemble our Mermaid quite a bit, though she is much too shy to appear here in person. Land o' Goshin'! I done raced myself plumb outa my britches! What the hell is that, Harlan? That don't look like no trout I e'er done saw! Now don't you go an tell Daisy Mae why I'm a fishin' this crick all the time, Jr. Unlike most of us in these here parts, who had the advantage of learnin' to swim in any neighborhood Amish mud hole or pig latrine, our little Mermaid is whatcha call an adult-onset swimmer. Hell, me and Billy boy, my coach, done taught her how to do a flip turn not more'n three years ago. At first, we just done it for sport, you know, cause she looked so cute sneezin' and snorflin' and such when her nose holes got all flooded up.But damn if the sweet young thing didn't take to the water like some kind of late-learnin' CremePuff or Fortress-style masters champ type prize-winnin' 4H quality swimmer. I suppose, comin' from the fancy pants East part of our state, York, the home of them peppermint patties and air conditioner units and all, where the girls get raised all sophisticated and lazy and like that, it just makes sense she's not the world's hardest workin' swimmer. I mean she does practice. A little here and there. In spurts and all. But damn that girl could be good iffn' she put her mind to it. But then again, who needs a mind bein' put to it when you got yourself a siren call. Leastways, that's what I'm a thinkin' to my dumb self when I get, like some kind of fireball bolt out of the dadgum blue yonder, word that Mermaid figgered out the Google and took our swimmin' region to whole wide webby world. Check us out! We aint no second best no more to them irradiated billies down in Tennessee, buggin' the TVA about their nucular plants no more! We be the proudest bunch of inbred mountain folks in the union these days, mercy me, thanks to that fancy little Mermaid and her tech-know-logical savvy. Check us out then drop her a kindly word of praise and thanksgiving for bringing the attention of the whole goshdiggitydarn US of ****in' A to our backwater chain o' mud holes at long, long last! Praise be! http://www.alleghenymountainmasters.org/ (Note: after checkin' out the spankin' new Allegheny Mountain Masters official USMS site, you can send Mermaid a kindly word by clicking here: kathfarnan@msn.com I honestly wish you would, cause she worked real hard without no money, and as a selfish person myself, I gotta say the folks who give back gotta be encouraged for their good works, cause the rest of us don't want that well runnin' high and dry.) --Jim Bob, your landlocked seafood lover who's bout to have his house taken over by the Internal Revenuers and will be in necessity of all the kindness of strangers he can squeeze outa 'em his ownsef.
Updated March 10th, 2009 at 10:59 PM by jim thornton
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