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  1. Whipping a Cream Puff

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 07:30 PM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)
    I am about to take a sabbatical from scrofulous topics to allow my soul to heal. Replacement swimming-related topics will soon include such time-tested crowd favorites as:

    • Depression, the serotonergic system, hippocampal neurogenesis, and swimming motivation
    • How to be a better fan of Jimby: 25 ways to witness my Vlog more perspicaciously and in so doing contribute to the Vloggist's mental (and eventually, one hopes, financial) well being
    • Actual resumption of movies featuring actual shots of water

    I anticipate that this might lose me a few viewers who have stumbled upon my Vlog from outside our parochial community, after, that is, having accidentally Googled "buboes, trochar, vaginal kidney removal, girls, girls, girls, Jim Thornton" or other such common search terms.

    To ease the transition from the low to the high minded, I will today attempt a middle-minded entry: one that features arguably the most universally loved and Internet stalked woman swimmer, after Leslie Livingston and the mystical Mermaid, in the USMS sorority.



    Lovely Leslie Livingston with ultrahigh cheekbone bestows an otherwise unwarranted moniker on Rich "SwimStud" Bell. Note: what exactly is that on Rich's neck?

    Mermaid, cropped, loveliness extant despite this

    I refer, of course, to:



    Kristina "S(he)-Male, the Cream Puff" Ulveling, Scandinavian swim goddess and Princeton graduate

    Fans of Cream Puff's swimming prowess may know that she works out with teenagers on a USS Swimming team, and that she is trying her best to post life time records despite being in the 35-39 year age group, and hence at least two decades past her prime as defined by the Clampett Family.



    Ellie May Clampett, 19, an marriageable old maid
    who, like Cream Puff, put the best face on her crone qualities.

    But enough preamble.

    Let us cut to the chase here, what say you?

    The Maguffin nutshelled: Within the last week or two, Cream Puff Ulveling posted a note on Facebook detailing her performance in a recent USS swim meet.

    It was stunningly good.

    There would be a long list of swimmers aged 15, 17, 13, and the like. Then, at the very top of the list, give or take a place of two, would be someone aged 37!

    That someone was our little Puff!

    So I sent her a quick Facebook note to show my admiration for her ability, despite being a withered ancient harridan, to beat the youngsters.

    But let me not tell you about our conversation. Let me show you it, complete with pictures.

    My comments in manly bold "Impact" font.

    Kristina's comments in purplish pink "Georgia" font.



    Kristina, you are one magnificent specimen, a human pug if ever there was one.

    I don't know which races you used the B70 for, and which you didn't, but the only ones I can beat you in are the 50, 100, and 200 freestyle. Everything else, you squash me. And if you were wearing the non B70 for these shorter freestyles, you might beat me in the "only marquee events that truly count" too!




    Well think you Jim. However, I protest! I looked up your times and feel that I take you in every event but the 100 FR. I didn't actually try in the 200. LOL Do I sense a gridge coming on?

    Note: I am not going to change any of Kristina's wording, for she is the Princeton grad, not I, think you very much. However, her reply here sent me to the record books to see if indeed she was close to me in any of the shorter freestyle events.

    First, I looked up me so far this year, then I looked up her (not listed, alas) so I had to go to last year's Top 10 listings. I shall paste in the findings:



    Jim as of Feb. 5, 2009, at 6:55 pm eastern time. One needs no eye wear or squinting to see that our Jimby is currently in 1st place.




    Cream Puff as of some moment in Ancient History. It's really hard to read, but in the 100, you will see (if you squint) that our Puff is in 7th place.


    Oops, in my overconfidence I accidentally omitted the word "can" take you. This is going downhill fast. . .

    [picture of me, Jim Thornton, originally posted in this very spot right here was deleted because I found out you can only have a total of 10 pictures in a blog post. The deleted photo just showed me in a hot tub, my lithe musculature golden from the sun, a kind of unconscious oozing of male sensuality reaching out to grab the reader by her neck and massage it till she goes limp with pleasure and relief from stress. Really, you aren't missing much.]

    Kristina, even if what you say is true, the supreme marquee event of all swimming time is--and I don't think even Grant Hackett and Janet Evans would dare disagree with this--the 100 freestyle.

    Why is it, do you think, that an aging male with a history of extensive psychiatric prescription use would be able to best a young, firm, hard-bodied dystaff vunderkind in swimming's marquee event?


    Yes, you are correct!

    It is because I have two adorable pugs, and you have only one--as cute as little Wanky is, (s)he's a solitary pug and thus unable to train your core the way Lefty and Biscuit train mine!


    P.S. Kristina, to try to get more viewers on my vlog, I am going to feature you. I hope you don't mind. I will let you know when it is up. --Your stalker.

    _______________________________________

    Final note: After posting this P.S., I did give Kristina 17 seconds to reply with any objections. When I didn't hear anything, I turned Facebook off and put today's Vlog together.

    To sum up:

    I am better than Cream Puff in the 100 Freestyle. And probably the 50 and 200, too. Na na na boo boo!

    I am a scrupulously fair-minded person, however, so I will allow the whipped Cream Puff to have the final word here. Since she didn't exactly say anything, I shall let a photo of her do the talking.



    And on this note, my sabbatical from the scrofulous begins in earnest...unless I receive dozens and dozens of protests to the contrary. Or at least one.
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  2. "Being Chris Stevenson."

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 05:50 PM (The Labours of SwimStud)
    No it's not a new movie...it's me trying to do a short backstroke workout...I was as stiff as a board from weights yesterday but I persevered

    Went a little something like this:
    4 x 50 EZ
    12 x 25 FR K :45 MMMF x 3 :35's and :25's

    RUBBER DUCKY TIME!
    2 x 50 K balancing Ducky
    2 x 50 K-rotate shoulders and balance Ducky
    END OF RUBBER DUCKY TIME

    2 x 50 6 kick glide drill
    2 x 50 BK 1:00 did :50's
    2 x 50 BK w/ Paddles--surprised that I don't splash on entry or slip water! You better start fretting or practicing Breaststroke, Chris!
    100 BK EZ
    100 EZ FR with snorkel for the hell of it!
    1200 Yards!

    After work did cardio 20 minutes incline fast walking 20 mins on cybex elliptical...got HR above 155 for much of it!
    4 sets yoga ball squat thrusts!
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  3. Right on Schedule! Thurs., Feb 5

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 02:19 PM (The FAF AFAP Digest)
    Guess everything is going well. I felt like crap in the water today -- right on schedule.

    Warm up:

    400 swim

    3 x (3 x 100) @ 2:00
    drill, kick, swim

    16 x 25 UW shooters w/MF
    4 belly, 4 right, 4 left, 4 fly spin

    4 x 25 easy speed fly

    50 EZ

    Speed Work:

    50 dolphin kick AFAP w/ MF (22.5)

    200 EZ

    50 back AFAP w/fins (26, might have left a half second late)

    200 EZ

    50 dolphin kick AFAP w/ MF (22.5)

    100 EZ

    4 x (25 (15 explosive, 10 cruise) + 25 EZ)

    100 EZ

    Total: 2800

    ____________________________________

    My left hip has been bugging me for a few days. I'm worried I might have over-stretched it. It didn't occur to me to start with ice, but probably should have. Anyone know if you're supposed to keep stretching if you've over-stretched? Stud did point out to me that I probably shouldn't have used the MF, so I'll put it away until after taper. Oh, I was NOT doing any new stretches so I don't qualify -- yet -- for "stupid f********." I was, however, almost run over in the parking lot by a noodler. They're hazardous everywhere apparently.

    Not taper bitchies yet, a bit bummed about the hip though. Seem to be getting the taper munchies, as I was starving an hour after eating lunch.

    Updated February 10th, 2009 at 10:21 AM by The Fortress

    Categories
    Swim Workouts
  4. Some IM Stuff

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 12:02 PM (A comfort swimmer's guide to easy swimming)
    SCY, Solo

    Warmup
    1 x 300 swim choice (did half free/half back)
    200 kick (did IMO no board)
    300 pull (free w/p&b)
    4x75 alt. drill/kick/swim/25 w/10 sec. rest
    (did IMO)

    Main Set
    3 x 300 free on 4:30 make interval
    (went 4:16-22-17)
    (took an extra :30 sec rest)
    3 x 300 as 100back/100breast/100back on 5:30
    (went 5:16-12-17)
    1:15 sec. rest
    1 x 300 IM (went 5:14)

    Cool down
    1 x 100 easy

    My breaststroke sucks!!! It took me over 2:00 to do the 100's in the 2nd set of 300's.

    Total: 3300 yards


    I have a 75 minute yoga class tonight.
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  5. Thu Feb 5th 2009

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 10:31 AM (Ande's Swimming Blog)
    Thu Feb 5th 2009

    short cut to Ande's Swimming Blog
    http://TinyURL.com/AndeSwim


    NEXT MEET:
    USA Swimming Austin Grand Prix Austin TX

    Thursday March 5 - Saturday March 7, 2009
    28 days away
    Meet format: Short Course AM, Long Course PM
    http://www.utexas.edu/longhornaquatics/meets
    http://www.utexas.edu/longhornaquati...fo_1-16-09.pdf
    entered the following events
    #05 100 Butterfly 52.63
    #08 200 IM 2:00.32
    #18 100 Backstroke 54.05
    #24 200 Backstroke 2:21.04
    #26 100 Freestyle 48.85


    NEXT MEET:
    2009 South Central Zone USMS Championships
    March 27 to 29, 2009
    http://www.southtexasmastersswimming...%20Masters.pdf



    WEIGHTS
    bench 10 x 135 5 x 195
    lat press 8 x 40 8 x 45 8 x 50
    lat pull 8 x 167 5 x 207
    leg press 10 x 180 8 x 270


    TODAYS PRACTICE
    6:30 - 8:00
    whitney coached
    scy TSC main pool
    swam with todd amy & doug
    beside mike tyler & larry
    nate mike Larry max
    dove in at 6:36

    warm up
    assigned 800 / swim till 6:45
    did around 500

    Main Set
    10 x _____ fr on 2:00 go far as you can
    go further & faster on 5 & 10
    1 - 4 150's held around 1:40's
    5 175 went 1:48
    6 - 9 150's
    10 175 went 1:47

    100 easy

    10 x _____ K on 2:00 go far as you can
    go further & faster on 5 & 10
    1 - 4 100's 73, 72, 71, 71
    5 100 went 69
    6 - 9 100's held under 1:15's
    10 100 went 66

    100 easy

    10 x _____ PULL (I swam free) on 2:00
    go far as you can
    go further & faster on 5 & 10
    1 175
    2 150
    3 175 arm cramps (skipped a 50)
    4 150
    5 175 went 1:47
    6 150
    7 175 (skipped a 50)
    8 150
    9 150
    10 200 went 1:58
    thought I was going slower than that
    todd lead the lane & pulled away from me
    he went 1:53, tyler went 1:55

    100 easy
  6. Thursday 2/5 - Another easy day

    by , February 5th, 2009 at 07:54 AM (Mixing it up this year)
    Felt great today but really did not push much except a few starts and breakouts. The massage I had yesterday has really helped my left shoulder.

    500 as 100swim/100pull/100swim/100kick/100swim
    5x100 @ 2:00 Free keep it loose
    10x50 from a dive 15 yards fast 3 fly, 3fr, 2 bk, 2 br
    5x100 @ 2:15 IM fly drill, back pull, breast kick, free swim
    2x500 @ 1:00 Rest #1 with small paddles and bouy #2 just loose

    Total 3000 yards

    Meet this Saturday in North Myrtle Beach!
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  7. Meet A Part Of Me That Feels Like Every Other Day

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 10:30 PM (Swimming, Life, and Other Stuff!)
    Lift Your Head Up, Wednesday.

    Lyrics: Jimmy Eat World

    I ended up swimming tonight at LA Fitness. The water is a little too warm; it qualifies as heat training. (Do we need heat training in swimming?) I made a great dinner of sauteed green/red/yellow peppers, onions, and pieroges. I threw in a side of grilled italian sausage for the carnivores. Here is my thrilling swim work out for the day:


    1) 800 Freestyle- building speed-breath every 3 strokes after the first 200.
    2) 8 X 25 with evf paddles--sloggy..yukup!
    3) 4 X 200 freestyle on 3:30 interval
    4) 8 X 25 Dot Drill with the dreaded paddles
    5) 8 X 100 Freestyle on 1:50 interval
    6) easy 50
    7) 8 X 25 Fly on :40 interval 2 good dolphin kicks before each break-out
    8) 3 X 75 Backstroke on 1:30
    9) 3 X 50 Backstroke on 1:00
    3,400 yards I feel good again!

    till the next time,

    bobinator
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  8. Good 2k...no bong!

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 09:59 PM (The Labours of SwimStud)
    OK so after a restless night of waking every 60-75 minutes...I guess I was trying to digest the bong thread....so anyhow I had to blow off swimming at 4:30. However, I got in mid morning and picked up 2k of the workout in 40-45 minutes.

    500 FR I went 7:30 This is a big drop for me since the last time I recorded my time (7:55) . I knew I was on for a cracking pace because I had my watch intervals beeping and I was deeper and deeper into successive 100's before it beeped...something new!

    Twice through this fun and sprinty set, should have been 4 times through alternating FR and Stroke, but I didn't have the time--will revisit the full version soon!
    All done on 1:00 per 50 yards
    50 DR
    4 x 25 FAST
    50 DR
    2 x 50 FAST
    50 DR
    1x 100 FAST
    50 EZ

    3 x 100 K :20 RI with fins
    4 x 25 FLY :30
    2 x 50 BR Mod+ 1:15

    Got in some weights today went around the gym for my full workout and used a bit heavier than normal, now that the meet is past!
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  9. Wed Feb 4th

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 07:02 PM (Ande's Swimming Blog)
    Wed Feb 4th

    did not swim today
    coached the san marcos rattlers

    spent today at the emergency room
    my son sprained both his ankles
    Categories
    Swim Workouts
  10. "I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 05:59 PM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)
    A mini self-vlogging here before the more severe self-vloggulation of swimming practice begins in 1 hour and 10 minutes.

    It has occurred to me, after receiving several comments, possibly from women with kidney stones and delicate Scylla and Charybdis-like nether passages to same, that a section of yesterday's vlog may have seemed to some of you (i.e., those who avoid reading about the latest scientific findings) to have been the arbitrary and sickly imaginative fantasies of a creeper.

    I refer specifically to my offer to remove Jessica Alba's kidney through her birth canal.



    One woman emailed me the following (in response to my circulation of the vlog url http://forums.usms.org/blog.php?b=1313 to select teammates in the hopes that they would A) open the vlog, B) click the "rate this vlog" button, C) select "Excellent!" ******, and finally D) either read it or not; once the Excellent tab has been checked, their further behavior is not my concern.

    Anyhow, here, in its snippity snappity entirety, is what this snippy-snappy snapper wrote me, ostensibly in reference to Jessica, vaginas, and kidney extractions:

    Jim, I don't rally need to get your email reply to all the Masters. I don't particularly get your humor. I would appreciate if you make a note to remove me from your group list, unless it is something you need to send to me specifically.

    Thanks,

    --Humorless Cur*

    *name changed slightly

    Not long after this, another young woman, whose opinion I care deeply about, and whose kidney I have long sort of wanted to extract with my trochar (see picture), told me she found the whole business tasteless, sick, and marveled at how I could have any friends at all.


    Trochar being used on a rodent

    Anyhow, we went back and forth on the topic of me, my lack of friends, the reason girls don't like me, why she thinks I am disgusting, that sort of thing, in other words, putting myself willingly through the Dr. Kurt Dixon "time is a violent stream and the world is a meat grinder" exact summation of La Condition Humane.

    Then all of a sudden it occurred to me why this other woman (not Humorless Cur, the other one) was so mad about the whole business:

    She thought I had made up the whole concept of kidney through vagina extractions!

    As soon as I realized this, I felt so much better!

    No, one thousand million times NO!

    Jimby did not make up anything, ever, in the history of my life, having to do with vaginas and medical intervention! No, no! This is not my world! I have no desire to intrude here in any but the most wholesome of natural ways! And even this, due to no fault of my own, has proven by and large impossible!

    Science made this up. Science and scientists and real men of Medicine and Hippocratic First Do No Harm Oaths!

    I honestly and truly thought that this new procedure, publicized widely via the Associated Press yesterday, was something that everyone already knew about!

    'Natural orifice' surgery is the final frontier


    Ewen Callaway, reporter
    We've all heard about the urban legend where a person wakes up in a hotel bathtub with a scar across the abdomen, one kidney lighter.
    However, a new surgical procedure could make donating a kidney nearly scar-free - at least for women. For the first time, doctors extracted a kidney out of a patient's vagina for the purpose of organ donation.


    You can read the whole thing here: http://www.newscientist.com/blogs/sh...ry-is-the.html


    So there. I think we all feel much better now knowing that beyond all possible question, your vlogger is 100 percent not a creeper.

    Never was, is not now, not ever gonna be!

    ___________________________________________
    Technical notes for those interested in the nuts and bolts of vlogging:

    1. Attentive readers will note that Jimby has pioneered the self-referential "meta-vlog" in today's offering. Within the present vlog, he has provided a link to yesterday's vlog. He is considering going back to yesterday and inserting a self-referential link to today's, or yesterday's future, vlog. But he fears that he might somehow get stuck in a circular loop and spend the rest of eternity in something very close to perdition.

    2. Another quality evident in today's effort is the use of random boldings of words and thoughts and so forth. Readers of comic books will see that Jimby has simply taken an old technique from Spiderman inkers and applied it to his own work a la Mary Jane below:

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  11. Yawn Meh Wed, Feb 4

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 03:46 PM (The FAF AFAP Digest)
    Workout:

    No swim
    No run
    No spin
    No heavy, or even medium, weights
    (I am being a good, obedient taperer.)

    morning nap
    30 minutes at gym: very light weights, core, RC, stretch
    5 minutes hot tub
    5 minutes steam room
    5 minutes shower

    Taper Update:

    No taper munchies yet
    No taper bitchies yet, though the fam has been warned
    No feeling crappy yet
    No hyperactivity detected yet
    No dysthymia

    ____________________________________

    Started to ponder my next meet after Auburn, which will be the Albatross Open on March 21. As usual, the order of events leaves something to be desired, with the fly-back-free 50s crammed in the last hour. (The Little Devil refuses to change the order of events each year like a good meet director.) Since this meet is on the weekend of JOs, my entries will be decided by what time Mini-Fort is swimming in finals. I may have to leave early. Last year, I swam 100 fly-50 fly-50 free-mixed 200 free relay. This year, I will do 100 fly and 100 back, and either the 50 fly or 50 back if time permits. I will be sad if I have to miss the relay because our mixed GMUP relay was #1 last year.

    http://www.pvmasters.org/entry/ancm0309.pdf

    Updated February 10th, 2009 at 10:21 AM by The Fortress

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    Swim Workouts
  12. Fat Man in the Water 2/3/09

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 03:29 PM (Fat Man back in the Pool)
    Thursday Evening 1/29- Scout Office folding & stuffing envelopes.

    Saturday 1/31 - Team was doing one-hour postal. As per my comment on the Postal Thread, 1 time (15 years ago) was enough.

    Tuesday 2/3 New Territory Pool, 25 SCY Dana Coached

    300 swim
    12 x 50 kick
    4 x 100 Free descend on 1:40
    stretched 1:18 - 1:14
    4 x 100 Pull descend on 1:40
    bailed on first one and then moved in
    4 x 100 Free descend on 1:40
    a bit slower - rotator cuff bothering me
    4 x 100 Pull descend on 1:40
    swam 3 x 100 Breast on 2:10
    4 x 50 choice
    125 easy to pull tarp

    2825 - Iced shoulder for 45 min afterwards. Need to get my stretch cord anchors installed this weekend. The left shoulder stayed sore well into today.

    Schedule will allow me to swim Thursday, but not Saturday - Its the Scouting Report to State and I have 6 youth in the contingent that are traveling to Austin. Two will be able to report on how our Council is performing on the floor of the Texas Senate.
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  13. EZ Aerobic Free and Kick Day

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 01:09 PM (TJ's Blog of Slow Swimming!)
    11:00 AM to Noon at the downtown YMCA (SCM) coached by P. Bettis.

    Warmup
    300 free
    200 IM drill (2-1-2 fly, 6 kick and roll back, 2 second glide breast, fingertip drag free)

    3x50 build meet stroke on 1:05 - I did fly, back, breast
    3x50 build free on :55

    3 times through:
    75 free on 1:40
    75 free on 1:30
    75 free on 1:25
    (I should have pushed these harder, but I think I'm coming down with a cold and I just didn't feel quite right. So, I worked on a good, high elbow catch and strong turns and I held pretty consisten 1:15s I think).
    25 easy free

    400 kick - every 4th length sprint kick
    (I decided that I would hide my fins in the bottom of my closet and learn how to kick. I actually made it and only got lapped once!)

    2x125 free on 2:20 - Went around 1:50
    4x25 free on :30 - Went :25s
    2x100 free on 1:55 - Went 1:37 and 1:33
    4x25 free on :35 easy cooldown

    2550 meters
    Categories
    Swim Workouts
  14. Wed, 2/4/09

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 11:29 AM (A comfort swimmer's guide to easy swimming)
    SCY, Solo

    Warmup:
    400 swim
    (alt 100 free/100 back)
    300 IM drill
    200 pull choice
    100 kick no board
    (alt dolphin/flutter by 25)

    6x150 with 15 sec. rest: first 2 swim, next 2 kick, next 2 pull; the second of each type should be faster than the first.
    (did these all back - 2:20-2:15 on swim, 2:55-2:50, kick, did pull with p&b not sure of times)

    8 x 75 on 1:20: descend 1-4, 5-8; #4, 8, should be all out.
    did 1-4 free - 1:05->:54, 5-8 back - 1:12->1:01

    50 easy


    swim 12 x25 on 30: #4, 8, swim last 4 nice and easy as a swim down
    (alt free/fly did fast ones fly)


    Total: 2850

    45 minute spin class during my lunch hour. This was a hard one.....left me a bit wobbly in the legs

    Updated February 4th, 2009 at 11:21 PM by poolraat

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  15. Getting back into shape - 02/03

    500 w/u

    4 x 100 IM drill r:15

    5 x 100 r:10 for time

    100 EZ

    4 x (150 fr @ 2:15, 100 IM/Stroke @ 1:40, 50 kick no board @ 1:10)

    50 EZ

    2 x 50 sprint (it was supposed to be 5 done as a 1000 yard relay with 3 teammates but my calf cramped something fierce during #2)

    150 c/d

    My arms were hurtin' after this one. This is the first time I put two good workouts back to back in months - at least since October but I suspect it might have been July.
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  16. Wednesday 2/4 - Easying up a bit

    by , February 4th, 2009 at 07:34 AM (Mixing it up this year)
    Felt ok, left shoulder still bugging me a bit. Did not seem to have any energy today so just took everything kind of easy. Kicking was more back to normal SLOW.

    5x100 @ 1:55 Free
    8x50 @ :55 Free with paddles and bouy
    5x100 @ 1:55 4 Free, 1 IM
    8x50 @ 1:05 Free 1/2 pull 1/2 kick
    5x100 @ 1:55 1 IM, 3 Free, 1 IM
    8x50 @ 1:20 Free kick
    8x25 @ 1:00 alt Fly/Free with fins FAST
    100 EZ
    500 Warm down

    Total 3500 yards
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  17. Omnes Vloggia in Tres Partes Divisa Est!

    by , February 3rd, 2009 at 11:32 PM (Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton)
    Omnes Vlogia in Tres Partes Divisa Est

    Or, as Caesar himself might have described today’s practice:

    Veni to the pool, Vidi how hot and disgusting the water was, and Vici despite myself

    Part. 1. Bill

    This morning, I received a couple emails from my best swimming friend in the world, Mr. Bill White, father of Liam White, who at age 8 handles all my more complicated technology installations and software problems. Bill handles the easier snafus. Bill is also the father of Ciara, the cutest little girl in all the world. When I was going through a particularly stubborn bout of depression a while back, the application of Ciara to my head like a tablet of skin-leeching ketamine was as close as I could come to feeling like my old self.




    Bill White, best friend, and Ciara White, human antidepressant tablet




    Liam White, Boy Genius

    One of Bill’s emails described the removal of a kidney for transplantation purposes through a woman’s vagina. He suggested that I might consider having part of my liver removed through my anus and writing about this for Men’s Health magazine, my employer, for at least the myopically foreseeable future. I thought perhaps I should instead specialize in removing transplantable tissues through women’s vaginas, that I thought perhaps I would be better at this. Bill suggested that I could tell them I have a special surgical trochar that is particularly effective at such removal. I replied that I do indeed have such an instrument. And just as oilmen remove petroleum from deep in the earth by paradoxically pumping stuff in, so does my trochar work on this same pumping in to remove pay dirt out principle.

    But this is off the subject of today’s vlog. I just thought perhaps some of my readers might enjoy a bit of romantic whimsy, seeing as Valentine’s Day, aka, VD, is not that far in the future.

    Bill’s other email was, however, to prove the subject of today’s vlog. (Sorry for yet another momentary digression here, but I am using the word “vlog” of late interchangeably with the word “blog.” It is true there is not official video accompanying today’s post. However, I am hoping that I might be able to paint a video with my words that the reader can run through his or her own cranial VCR apparatus.

    Example: Imagine Jessica Alba laying herself upon my chaise longe and announcing, as she removes her backless hospital gown, “Okay, Dr. Thornton. I am ready to have my kidney extracted by this novel means of yours.” Now imagine a couple lovely nurse-fluffers bustling around me, unbuckling my belt, and so forth. I say: “Trochar! Stat!” And within a minute or two, the nurses have the instrument ready and glisteningly sterile for the procedure.



    "I'm ready for the procedure, Dr. Thornton!"

    Here is a link to Bill’s other email, i.e., the one actually relevant to today's vlog. It is a press release entitled:

    "New Study Reveals Swimming Can Cut Men's Risk of Dying in Half:
    Research shows swimming may be the prescription for longevity."


    http://www.nspf.org/Documents/Press_...s/PR_Blair.pdf

    The good news here is that guys like me, at least if you believe research conducted and supported by the National Swimming Pool Foundation, and there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t believe such research, anyhow, the good news is that guys like me don’t have to die young, and in fact, we will be around for a very, very long time hoping to shove our trochars in to remove young women’s kidneys whenever the need for donor tissue arises. (And the way we old coots drive our Cadillacs, god knows there will be plenty of need for donor tissues!)

    Part 2. Ronald Gainsford, Redux

    Last night’s practice was incredibly grueling. I managed to finish it, come home, get in bed, read this awful book about a woman serial killer, a book that I tell myself during daylight I am not going to finish, but when night time comes around and natural grogginess is turbocharged by the Sandman’s imminent visitation, and I am too doltish to think of anything besides impossible evil vs. improbable good, I find myself turning once again to the bosom of this woman serial killer.

    Where was I?

    Oh, so I get up, waste a lot of time, think I have made progress, check, realize that progress was an illusion, send a friend of sort a couple quotes from Marcus Aurelius, and call it a day.




    Mr. M. Aurelius of Rome

    Then I go to the Y for a restorative super slow Tai Chi swim to keep massive adhesions from cementing my few remaining muscle fibers into the deltoid equivalent of lock jaw.

    On the way, I stop at our mailbox and retrieve an oversized manila envelope from Ronald Gainsford, the fellow regular vlog readers will recall is a 79-year-old heart transplant recipient and incredibly accomplished swimmer who was one of the top 5 butterfroggers in the early 1950s, when “breaststroke” consisted of fly arms and breast kicks.

    When I got to the Y, Ronald was there, as always, swimming a practice. He told me he has been gradually upping his effort to get ready for Worlds when he turns 80. He said that the hard thing was that he works his ass off in the pool to get stronger, then he has to go home and take all this antirejection medicine that makes him physically weaker. If there exists a more admirable Sisyphus swimming on Planet Earth today, I have yet to meet him.

    When I got home, I scanned in Ronald’s letter and pre-Steeler game picture, complete with overhanging icicles. For what it’s worth, Ronald told me that he could not watch the last 10 minutes of the Superbowl because his heart could not take it. He kept his head down during the actual plays, and only watched them on replay.

    Here’s Ronald’s latest note. I think this is the best evidence of all that the research Bill sent me was, in fact, valid.



    Part 3. Dysthymia.

    I have been sinking ever so slightly of late into a pit of despair, not sure exactly why, but the collapse of the global economy in general, and my economy in specific, might play a slight role. On this note, I shall now quickly paste in the two quotes from stoical philosopher, Marcus Aurelius, that I sent earlier to my Facebook friend. If these provide you any solace or succor, I am glad to have done so.

    1. Time is a river, and a violent stream. For as soon as a thing is seen, it is carried away and another takes its place. And this will be carried away too.

    2. Never surpass the sense of your original impressions. Perhaps they tell you that a certain person speaks ill of you. That was their sole message; they did not go on to say that you have been harmed by him. Perhaps I see my child suffers illness; my eyes tell me so but do not tell me his life is in danger. Always keep to your original impressions; add no interpretation of your own and you remain safe. Or at the most add a recognition of the great world order by means of which all things come to pass.


    Epilogue:

    Special thanks to A) Mr. Onefish, whose kind comment about my vlog inspired me to postpone the female serial killer’s shenanigans for a little bit tonight and write this instead, and B) all you lovely young women out there in Swimmingville who have begun the not-easy but still-right decision to donate one of your kidneys to needy children, and to let me extract this kidney through your vagina, despite the fact that the procedure I will be trying has yet to receive FDA approval.
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  18. I'm looking at myself, reflections of my mind.

    by , February 3rd, 2009 at 09:45 PM (Swimming, Life, and Other Stuff!)
    It's just the kind of day to leave it all behind.
    It's Tuesday afternoon and the snow is falling at a blizzard pace. Tonight's NASTI'S practice has been cancelled. I am going to another pilates work-out and that's probably gonna be it. The good thing is that I'll have a really good practice tomorrow.
    Peace to all,

    Bobinator

    lyrics by Justin Hayward, The Moody Blues
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  19. Parachute pants!

    by , February 3rd, 2009 at 05:53 PM (The Labours of SwimStud)
    Well not quite but I forgot my Jammer today and had to go in wearing my baggies!
    IT was a good workout as I did some hard kicking but boy oh boy it left me gasping for breath.

    50 BR EZ
    3 x 50 FR EZ
    12 x 25 K 1:00 No fins did them thusly:
    FFFFMMFFMMFF (F= fast M = moderate)
    3 x 100 FLY K w/Fins 20 RI. I did these slow and focused on the hip thrust forward and I felt it in my abs. It's almost is a hybrid kicking/core drill for BR and FLY

    2 x 100 FR Snorkel and fins
    2 x 100 FR Snorkel, paddles and fins
    50 FR Paddles and fins!
    I did these swim drills focusing on rotation and a still head.

    After work I did 40 mins on the elliptical at HR > 146...sweated like a pig!
    4 x 20 slow squat thrusts on the yoga ball. PAIN!
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  20. Tuesday, Feb. 3

    by , February 3rd, 2009 at 04:27 PM (The FAF AFAP Digest)
    Warm up:

    400 swim
    200 kick
    100 fly drills

    20 x 25 UW shooters w/MF
    4 belly, 4 left, 4 right, 4 back, 4 fly spin drill

    50 EZ

    Speed Work:

    8 x (25 easy speed fly + 25 easy)

    100 EZ

    50 back AFAP from the blocks, 31ish (?)

    (Did this for Ande. However, it is just useless to try to time a 50 back from the blocks from that end of the pool. The pace clock (for some odd reason) is down at the shallow end where the noodlers swim on the same wall. I really can't see the time from that angle. So this is a rough guess. I prefer swimming from the other end where I can see the clock on the opposite wall perfectly.)

    175 EZ

    50 fly AFAP w/fins, 25

    200 EZ

    4 x (25 free AFAP + 50 EZ)

    100 EZ

    Total: 2650

    Wanted to do more recovery swimming between the sprints and more of a warm down, but I was too busy this am and couldn't get to the pool earlier.

    Jim Thornton expressed shock that I was starting to taper NOW. *gasp* I guess he has not been following the the taper advice thread. I fear the winter doldrums are interfering with him reading anything but his own blog comments.

    I can't decide whether to take tomorrow off or not ... Several gurus have said I should take more days off than usual. Was thinking of taking the whole weekend off. Undecided. Rather unusual. lol

    _______________________________________

    Here's a nice set from Dave Salo, that was passed on to me when I asked about it. Another one I'd like to do after taper:

    Salo Set:
    5a/4ei/3r x 100 Kick w/ Fins @ 2:00 - descend 1-4
    8 x 25 Kick/Swim w/ Fins @ :35 – Full speed kick to 15m & breakout into swimming
    5ae/4i/3r x 100 pull with small paddles @ 1:40 - descend 1-4
    8 x 25 pull @ :35 with large paddles - full speed
    5ae/4r/3r x 100 swim @ 1:30 descend 1-4
    8 x 25 swim @ :35 full speed
    5ae/4i/3r x 100 Paddles+fins @ 1:20 descend 1-4
    8 x 25 paddles+fins full speed @ :35
    easy 200
    Total Distance
    a = advanced = 3,400
    e = experienced = 3,300
    i = intermediate = 3,000
    r = rookie = 2,600

    Updated February 10th, 2009 at 10:22 AM by The Fortress

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