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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

"I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist

Rating: 4 votes, 4.00 average.
A mini self-vlogging here before the more severe self-vloggulation of swimming practice begins in 1 hour and 10 minutes.

It has occurred to me, after receiving several comments, possibly from women with kidney stones and delicate Scylla and Charybdis-like nether passages to same, that a section of yesterday's vlog may have seemed to some of you (i.e., those who avoid reading about the latest scientific findings) to have been the arbitrary and sickly imaginative fantasies of a creeper.

I refer specifically to my offer to remove Jessica Alba's kidney through her birth canal.

One woman emailed me the following (in response to my circulation of the vlog url to select teammates in the hopes that they would A) open the vlog, B) click the "rate this vlog" button, C) select "Excellent!" ******, and finally D) either read it or not; once the Excellent tab has been checked, their further behavior is not my concern.

Anyhow, here, in its snippity snappity entirety, is what this snippy-snappy snapper wrote me, ostensibly in reference to Jessica, vaginas, and kidney extractions:

Jim, I don't rally need to get your email reply to all the Masters. I don't particularly get your humor. I would appreciate if you make a note to remove me from your group list, unless it is something you need to send to me specifically.


--Humorless Cur*

*name changed slightly

Not long after this, another young woman, whose opinion I care deeply about, and whose kidney I have long sort of wanted to extract with my trochar (see picture), told me she found the whole business tasteless, sick, and marveled at how I could have any friends at all.

Trochar being used on a rodent

Anyhow, we went back and forth on the topic of me, my lack of friends, the reason girls don't like me, why she thinks I am disgusting, that sort of thing, in other words, putting myself willingly through the Dr. Kurt Dixon "time is a violent stream and the world is a meat grinder" exact summation of La Condition Humane.

Then all of a sudden it occurred to me why this other woman (not Humorless Cur, the other one) was so mad about the whole business:

She thought I had made up the whole concept of kidney through vagina extractions!

As soon as I realized this, I felt so much better!

No, one thousand million times NO!

Jimby did not make up anything, ever, in the history of my life, having to do with vaginas and medical intervention! No, no! This is not my world! I have no desire to intrude here in any but the most wholesome of natural ways! And even this, due to no fault of my own, has proven by and large impossible!

Science made this up. Science and scientists and real men of Medicine and Hippocratic First Do No Harm Oaths!

I honestly and truly thought that this new procedure, publicized widely via the Associated Press yesterday, was something that everyone already knew about!

'Natural orifice' surgery is the final frontier

Ewen Callaway, reporter
We've all heard about the urban legend where a person wakes up in a hotel bathtub with a scar across the abdomen, one kidney lighter.
However, a new surgical procedure could make donating a kidney nearly scar-free - at least for women. For the first time, doctors extracted a kidney out of a patient's vagina for the purpose of organ donation.

You can read the whole thing here:

So there. I think we all feel much better now knowing that beyond all possible question, your vlogger is 100 percent not a creeper.

Never was, is not now, not ever gonna be!

Technical notes for those interested in the nuts and bolts of vlogging:

1. Attentive readers will note that Jimby has pioneered the self-referential "meta-vlog" in today's offering. Within the present vlog, he has provided a link to yesterday's vlog. He is considering going back to yesterday and inserting a self-referential link to today's, or yesterday's future, vlog. But he fears that he might somehow get stuck in a circular loop and spend the rest of eternity in something very close to perdition.

2. Another quality evident in today's effort is the use of random boldings of words and thoughts and so forth. Readers of comic books will see that Jimby has simply taken an old technique from Spiderman inkers and applied it to his own work a la Mary Jane below:

Submit ""I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist" to Digg Submit ""I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist" to Submit ""I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist" to StumbleUpon Submit ""I am not a creeper!" declares Vloggist" to Google



  1. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    Very informative! Now I have to try to uncross my legs.....
  2. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    These women of whom you speak are gnats on your car windshield as you race down a Pennsylvania interstate...keep your eye on the prize man (?groundbreaking vlogging). I believe you have "the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament" (Dr. Evil). Keep up the strong work--I would let you take out my kidney through my abundant urethra any time.

    BTW: Do you refer to me as Dixon cuz you don't believe anybody has Dick (as in Dickson) in their name or is it something else?
  3. jim thornton's Avatar
    Chicken of the Sea: Thank you very much for your kindness and in depth commentary. I have helped many a young woman uncross her legs over the years, and I would be happy to give you a discount on my best selling vanity press eBook, "Spread Em, Baby! Yeah, That's Right" (Thornton Chronicle Books, 1992, with second, third, fourth, and fifth editions forthcoming; $29.99).

    Feminist scholar Camille Paglia raves about "Spread Em, Baby! Yeah, That's Right," in the March, 1997 Brazil edition of the magazine, Ipiniman She-Bitch, "Jim Thornton combines practical advice with a caring temperament and, frankly, an almost absurdly obsessive interest in gynecology to help women everywhere relax enough to, well, spread em, baby! Kudos Mr. Thornton!"

    As for Kurt Dickson, who obviously did not go to evil medical school to be called Mr. Kurt Dickson, thank you very much, a fellow traveler in the land of dysthymia and weltshmerz and perhaps a snifter of scahdenfreudy spelling misanthropy thrown in, a kindred soul, in other words, I am ashamed that the sparky synapses in my fast-atrophying brain assigned to "Kurt" and "Kirt" and "Mr." and "Dr." and "Dixson" and "Dickson" and "Duxon" and "Duckson" respectively can JUST NOT KEEP YOUR NAME STRAIGHT!

    This has plagued me much of my life. When I was a 5th grade teacher, I was forever calling a diminuitive genius named Devon the name Regan, which belonged to lumpkinesque dolt; and vice versa. I could not keep their names straight despite their complete lack of resemblance in any way.

    I will resort to a pneumonic device.

    Kurt, not Kirt, because u always comes before i in my book! No egomaniac here!

    Dickson not Dixson because, well, all of us sons do, frankly, come from dicks. What's more, Dix, as in Dorothea Dix, is the patron saint of mental patients, and anybody who reads my vlog regularly has the wherewithal to avoid in patient status despite whatever symptoms threaten to overwhelm us.

    Finally, Dr. not Mr., because, as indicated above, and reinforced by your own quotation of Dr. Evil, you did not go to evil medical school to be called Mr., thank you very much.
    Updated February 4th, 2009 at 11:14 PM by jim thornton
  4. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    ...really call me whatever. My more friendly patients in the ER just call me M.F'er or sometimes Dr. M.F'er as a show of respect.
  5. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Your passionate interest in helping young ladies' with kidney problems does not seem "creepery" to me at all. Rather it seems compassionate. Deeply so!
  6. Bobinator's Avatar
    Dr. Jim, I just wanted you to know you have become my source, or "go to person" in regards to any/ all the latest cutting edge medical breakthrough information. I am happy to know I could get something as complicated as a kidney removal with little to no downtime! Keep me posted on anything that in your professional opinion would enhance the life of a 53 yr. old insomniac female.
    respectfully, bob
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Dear Mo Fo, Rusty, and Bob,

    Thanks once more for your ongoing support of my efforts here. My secret dream for decades now has been to become one of those beloved fake doctors who insinuates himself into a hidden nook in Appalachia and treats his patients with dignity and aspirin, occasionally using a speculum on some of the teens, but that's not really a big part of it. After toiling away and reaping the gratitude of my bumpkin flock, I am discovered to have been a fraud the whole time, not only not a doctor of medicine, but not even a bachelor of science!

    At my trial, the angry patients swarm, wielding rakes and torches and pitch forks.

    I am crestfallen.

    Then I realize it is not I that has provoked their wrath, but rather the authorities who hope to take me away!

    "Dr. Jimbo," they cry as one, "was the best healer we ever done did have! You Washington bastards leave us be! Don't you **** wid us!"

    Eventually a plea bargain is reached. I do no jail time. But I must surrender my passport and my speculum.

    "No problem, Dr. Jimbo," the buxon teen Holler-dwellers later tell me. "You don't need no speculum to check us out!"

    Which brings us to Bob's request for medical advice for her insomnia. If you simply free your mind to go where it wants to, regardless of the boundaries its peregrinations might cross over, you will find you need no sleep at all, because life itsself becomes and endless reverie and escape.
  8. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Make sure you use one of those disposable speculums. I had a patient swear she got the trichomanas I found on my exam from her primary physician who did a speculum exam just one week prior (? unsterilized metal jobs). Given her age (70 ish) and appearance (with its implication of an asexual being before me), I secretly thought she might be right (no way to prove either way). Anyway, let them have your speculum, but just use the plastic ones so you'll have more back at the office.
    Updated February 5th, 2009 at 07:49 PM by Kurt Dickson
  9. jim thornton's Avatar
    My speculum looked kind of like a metallic cartoon duck. I don't know what I did with it. I must admit, it always gave women the creeps.