Whipping a Cream Puff
by, February 5th, 2009 at 07:30 PM (11021 Views)
I am about to take a sabbatical from scrofulous topics to allow my soul to heal. Replacement swimming-related topics will soon include such time-tested crowd favorites as:
- Depression, the serotonergic system, hippocampal neurogenesis, and swimming motivation
- How to be a better fan of Jimby: 25 ways to witness my Vlog more perspicaciously and in so doing contribute to the Vloggist's mental (and eventually, one hopes, financial) well being
- Actual resumption of movies featuring actual shots of water
I anticipate that this might lose me a few viewers who have stumbled upon my Vlog from outside our parochial community, after, that is, having accidentally Googled "buboes, trochar, vaginal kidney removal, girls, girls, girls, Jim Thornton" or other such common search terms.
To ease the transition from the low to the high minded, I will today attempt a middle-minded entry: one that features arguably the most universally loved and Internet stalked woman swimmer, after Leslie Livingston and the mystical Mermaid, in the USMS sorority.
Lovely Leslie Livingston with ultrahigh cheekbone bestows an otherwise unwarranted moniker on Rich "SwimStud" Bell. Note: what exactly is that on Rich's neck?
Mermaid, cropped, loveliness extant despite this
I refer, of course, to:
Kristina "S(he)-Male, the Cream Puff" Ulveling, Scandinavian swim goddess and Princeton graduate
Fans of Cream Puff's swimming prowess may know that she works out with teenagers on a USS Swimming team, and that she is trying her best to post life time records despite being in the 35-39 year age group, and hence at least two decades past her prime as defined by the Clampett Family.
Ellie May Clampett, 19, an marriageable old maid
who, like Cream Puff, put the best face on her crone qualities.
But enough preamble.
Let us cut to the chase here, what say you?
The Maguffin nutshelled: Within the last week or two, Cream Puff Ulveling posted a note on Facebook detailing her performance in a recent USS swim meet.
It was stunningly good.
There would be a long list of swimmers aged 15, 17, 13, and the like. Then, at the very top of the list, give or take a place of two, would be someone aged 37!
That someone was our little Puff!
So I sent her a quick Facebook note to show my admiration for her ability, despite being a withered ancient harridan, to beat the youngsters.
But let me not tell you about our conversation. Let me show you it, complete with pictures.
My comments in manly bold "Impact" font.
Kristina's comments in purplish pink "Georgia" font.
Kristina, you are one magnificent specimen, a human pug if ever there was one.
I don't know which races you used the B70 for, and which you didn't, but the only ones I can beat you in are the 50, 100, and 200 freestyle. Everything else, you squash me. And if you were wearing the non B70 for these shorter freestyles, you might beat me in the "only marquee events that truly count" too!
Well think you Jim. However, I protest! I looked up your times and feel that I take you in every event but the 100 FR. I didn't actually try in the 200. LOL Do I sense a gridge coming on?
Note: I am not going to change any of Kristina's wording, for she is the Princeton grad, not I, think you very much. However, her reply here sent me to the record books to see if indeed she was close to me in any of the shorter freestyle events.
First, I looked up me so far this year, then I looked up her (not listed, alas) so I had to go to last year's Top 10 listings. I shall paste in the findings:
Jim as of Feb. 5, 2009, at 6:55 pm eastern time. One needs no eye wear or squinting to see that our Jimby is currently in 1st place.
Cream Puff as of some moment in Ancient History. It's really hard to read, but in the 100, you will see (if you squint) that our Puff is in 7th place.
Oops, in my overconfidence I accidentally omitted the word "can" take you. This is going downhill fast. . .
[picture of me, Jim Thornton, originally posted in this very spot right here was deleted because I found out you can only have a total of 10 pictures in a blog post. The deleted photo just showed me in a hot tub, my lithe musculature golden from the sun, a kind of unconscious oozing of male sensuality reaching out to grab the reader by her neck and massage it till she goes limp with pleasure and relief from stress. Really, you aren't missing much.]
Kristina, even if what you say is true, the supreme marquee event of all swimming time is--and I don't think even Grant Hackett and Janet Evans would dare disagree with this--the 100 freestyle.
Why is it, do you think, that an aging male with a history of extensive psychiatric prescription use would be able to best a young, firm, hard-bodied dystaff vunderkind in swimming's marquee event?
Yes, you are correct!
It is because I have two adorable pugs, and you have only one--as cute as little Wanky is, (s)he's a solitary pug and thus unable to train your core the way Lefty and Biscuit train mine!
P.S. Kristina, to try to get more viewers on my vlog, I am going to feature you. I hope you don't mind. I will let you know when it is up. --Your stalker.
Final note: After posting this P.S., I did give Kristina 17 seconds to reply with any objections. When I didn't hear anything, I turned Facebook off and put today's Vlog together.
To sum up:
I am better than Cream Puff in the 100 Freestyle. And probably the 50 and 200, too. Na na na boo boo!
I am a scrupulously fair-minded person, however, so I will allow the whipped Cream Puff to have the final word here. Since she didn't exactly say anything, I shall let a photo of her do the talking.
And on this note, my sabbatical from the scrofulous begins in earnest...unless I receive dozens and dozens of protests to the contrary. Or at least one.