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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Whipping a Cream Puff

Rating: 10 votes, 5.00 average.
I am about to take a sabbatical from scrofulous topics to allow my soul to heal. Replacement swimming-related topics will soon include such time-tested crowd favorites as:

  • Depression, the serotonergic system, hippocampal neurogenesis, and swimming motivation
  • How to be a better fan of Jimby: 25 ways to witness my Vlog more perspicaciously and in so doing contribute to the Vloggist's mental (and eventually, one hopes, financial) well being
  • Actual resumption of movies featuring actual shots of water

I anticipate that this might lose me a few viewers who have stumbled upon my Vlog from outside our parochial community, after, that is, having accidentally Googled "buboes, trochar, vaginal kidney removal, girls, girls, girls, Jim Thornton" or other such common search terms.

To ease the transition from the low to the high minded, I will today attempt a middle-minded entry: one that features arguably the most universally loved and Internet stalked woman swimmer, after Leslie Livingston and the mystical Mermaid, in the USMS sorority.

Lovely Leslie Livingston with ultrahigh cheekbone bestows an otherwise unwarranted moniker on Rich "SwimStud" Bell. Note: what exactly is that on Rich's neck?

Mermaid, cropped, loveliness extant despite this

I refer, of course, to:

Kristina "S(he)-Male, the Cream Puff" Ulveling, Scandinavian swim goddess and Princeton graduate

Fans of Cream Puff's swimming prowess may know that she works out with teenagers on a USS Swimming team, and that she is trying her best to post life time records despite being in the 35-39 year age group, and hence at least two decades past her prime as defined by the Clampett Family.

Ellie May Clampett, 19, an marriageable old maid
who, like Cream Puff, put the best face on her crone qualities.

But enough preamble.

Let us cut to the chase here, what say you?

The Maguffin nutshelled: Within the last week or two, Cream Puff Ulveling posted a note on Facebook detailing her performance in a recent USS swim meet.

It was stunningly good.

There would be a long list of swimmers aged 15, 17, 13, and the like. Then, at the very top of the list, give or take a place of two, would be someone aged 37!

That someone was our little Puff!

So I sent her a quick Facebook note to show my admiration for her ability, despite being a withered ancient harridan, to beat the youngsters.

But let me not tell you about our conversation. Let me show you it, complete with pictures.

My comments in manly bold "Impact" font.

Kristina's comments in purplish pink "Georgia" font.

Kristina, you are one magnificent specimen, a human pug if ever there was one.

I don't know which races you used the B70 for, and which you didn't, but the only ones I can beat you in are the 50, 100, and 200 freestyle. Everything else, you squash me. And if you were wearing the non B70 for these shorter freestyles, you might beat me in the "only marquee events that truly count" too!

Well think you Jim. However, I protest! I looked up your times and feel that I take you in every event but the 100 FR. I didn't actually try in the 200. LOL Do I sense a gridge coming on?

Note: I am not going to change any of Kristina's wording, for she is the Princeton grad, not I, think you very much. However, her reply here sent me to the record books to see if indeed she was close to me in any of the shorter freestyle events.

First, I looked up me so far this year, then I looked up her (not listed, alas) so I had to go to last year's Top 10 listings. I shall paste in the findings:

Jim as of Feb. 5, 2009, at 6:55 pm eastern time. One needs no eye wear or squinting to see that our Jimby is currently in 1st place.

Cream Puff as of some moment in Ancient History. It's really hard to read, but in the 100, you will see (if you squint) that our Puff is in 7th place.

Oops, in my overconfidence I accidentally omitted the word "can" take you. This is going downhill fast. . .

[picture of me, Jim Thornton, originally posted in this very spot right here was deleted because I found out you can only have a total of 10 pictures in a blog post. The deleted photo just showed me in a hot tub, my lithe musculature golden from the sun, a kind of unconscious oozing of male sensuality reaching out to grab the reader by her neck and massage it till she goes limp with pleasure and relief from stress. Really, you aren't missing much.]

Kristina, even if what you say is true, the supreme marquee event of all swimming time is--and I don't think even Grant Hackett and Janet Evans would dare disagree with this--the 100 freestyle.

Why is it, do you think, that an aging male with a history of extensive psychiatric prescription use would be able to best a young, firm, hard-bodied dystaff vunderkind in swimming's marquee event?

Yes, you are correct!

It is because I have two adorable pugs, and you have only one--as cute as little Wanky is, (s)he's a solitary pug and thus unable to train your core the way Lefty and Biscuit train mine!

P.S. Kristina, to try to get more viewers on my vlog, I am going to feature you. I hope you don't mind. I will let you know when it is up. --Your stalker.


Final note: After posting this P.S., I did give Kristina 17 seconds to reply with any objections. When I didn't hear anything, I turned Facebook off and put today's Vlog together.

To sum up:

I am better than Cream Puff in the 100 Freestyle. And probably the 50 and 200, too. Na na na boo boo!

I am a scrupulously fair-minded person, however, so I will allow the whipped Cream Puff to have the final word here. Since she didn't exactly say anything, I shall let a photo of her do the talking.

And on this note, my sabbatical from the scrofulous begins in earnest...unless I receive dozens and dozens of protests to the contrary. Or at least one.

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  1. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    ...nothing wrong with scrofula.
  2. The Fortress's Avatar
    I hate the 100 free! How's that for a protest? Na na na boo boo.

    I think you have a thing for Ivy League women, Jim. Must be because we display great perspicacity.
  3. jim thornton's Avatar
    And high cheek bones!

    I hope our Puff doesn't mind being whipped and creamed.
  4. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    I'm with Fortress. I hate the 100free. But if that's what it takes to get a stalker.........
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    A totally unexpected surge in favor of scrofula seems to be rolling in like an unstoppable tide, almost an ejaculatory inevitability of demand for Jimby to continue to be Jimby, no matter how many Cream Puffs must be chilled, whipped, creamed, and stepped on with stilletto heels in the process.

    Say no more!

    I am rethinking the sabbatical already.
  6. Bobinator's Avatar
    Vlog on Jimby! I look forward to your unique ramblings every single day! OH....on my way home from swimming tonight they were discussing kidney removal through the vagina on Sirius Radio "Doctor" radio show! I was psyched!
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Thanks, Mrs. Bob! You read stuff here, and it is later picked up by the secondary media. Example: (this is going to hit the mainstream pretty soon): Economy not that good. Analysts predict, "Things are going to get unbelievably worse and never get better." Investors let out a sigh of relief.

    "At least we nolonger have to climb that wall of worry," reports an absolutely delighted Jim Thornton. "It's a lot less tiring to be falling off the wall of worry into the pit of despair."
  8. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Didn't you give a bit of a whuppin' to Dara Torres once? Seems like you mighta done whupped her when she weren't lookin'. I don't believe the Puff ever whupped Dara Torres.
    Maybe the Puff otta' worry about whuppin' her own kind before she goes gunnin' for a man's man like the Inhaler!
  9. Bobinator's Avatar
    Thank you Jim for the latest report on the economy! The really crazy thing is....FINALLY being a teacher almost seems like a good job. "Even though most people would put this job at the sewer pit level of their dream career list, they have to keep us around for the kids!" reports Robin Walker(a tired, beaten up, and aging "Mr. Woodcock" type of gal. Sometimes things really have to get bad before they can seem good again.
    I guess you'd say I am not a financial analysist!
    cheers! i hear those rowdy 3rd graders coming in....whoa, they got me.........I'm gettin' tied up, gag in mo..........u................t........h........... ..aaahhhhhggg
  10. qbrain's Avatar
    I think you have a thing for Ivy League women, Jim.
    I think Jim stalks all women equally, with total disregard to their educational background.
  11. jim thornton's Avatar
    True, but the smart ones, what with their access to FBI agents and whatnot, sometimes prove more challenging.
  12. The Fortress's Avatar
    Q, Jim is an equally opportunity voyeur, to be sure. But, by his own admission, brains are required for ongoing interest.
  13. qbrain's Avatar
    Fort, I can hardly comprehend what Jim says, let alone believe any of it.

    How do you know he is not using your brains against you? And probably your monofin too...
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    Mr. Q, what is there about I am better than Cream Puff in the 100 Freestyle. And probably the 50 and 200, too. Na na na boo boo! that you don't understand?

    And I am pretty sure I beat her on the S.A.T.s, too, and when the next month or so of phytoestrogenic mega soy intake is complete, quite possibly the Mark Eden (TM) Breast Development Index as well.

    BTW, I hope to keep the latter quest updated regularly in the vlog.
  15. ande's Avatar
    just read this thread post dedicated to
    "Kristina "S(he)-Male, the Cream Puff" Ulveling, Scandinavian swim goddess and Princeton graduate"

    thanks for the entertainment

    you should write a song for her to show her your undying infection uh I mean affection
  16. Bobinator's Avatar
    What makes everyone think the chicks are the victims being stalked here? It's all in where you are coming from, how much you stick out there, and the fun factor involved. I may just have a weeney Masters from dorkata state university but I can be a player in this game of whimsical fantasy life!
    oh....I can't even remember my sat score; that's a pretty good sign it was very ordinary.
    pleasant regards,

  17. jim thornton's Avatar
    Ande, if I write the lyrics, would you set it to music and let me post it on my vlog?

    And Kristina, if it is as excruciatingly romantic as I think it will be, would you consider, well, you know? Would you?

    And can I put this on my vlog, too?
  18. qbrain's Avatar
    Jim: I am really having trouble comprehending this part, "I am better than Cream Puff." After that my vision gets all hazy and I can no longer focus on the words that come after.

    Bobinator: I don't think the term "victim" has been used.
  19. quicksilver's Avatar
    I had no idea that Ellie May wore a wig.
  20. jim thornton's Avatar
    I don't think I ever noticed her face at all before this.
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