Dara, Stump, and Me
by, February 11th, 2009 at 03:49 PM (1643 Views)
This just in:
Charming Stump wins over crowds, judges
Veteran dog comes out of retirement with record-breaking performance
At age 10, crowd-charming Stump is 14 years older than I am, that is, after the well-known and oft-verified dog-to-human year conversion is applied.
Stump has thus emerged as the oldest male Gold Medal winner in the history of competitive sports.
This just in a long time ago:
Dara Torres, then 41 and mother of tot, is oldest female in history to get three silver medals in Olympic history. In this picture, Vlog the Inhaler is surreptitiously sucking down great lungfuls of Dara's vapors.
This not yet in:
I have another grueling Bill White swimming practice tonight. To prepare for this, I have done my usual of late:
- worked some in the morning
- drank 16 ounces of soy milk, consumed one soy yogurt, and interviewed experts on the potential dangers of too much dietary soy
- took a nap for about 45 minutes
- awoke 20 minutes ago in a deep stupor of sleep inertia
- brewed and am now consuming my second round of coffee of the day (it is now 3:30)
- trying to burst out of my imprisonment of grogginess and effete-dom
- mentally telling myself that I wil break my own pathetic record in the 200 backstroke at a dinky little Y meet this weekend
- visualizing how I will do this by kicking SDKs as long as I can off of every turn
- remembering yesterday's practice when I accustomed myself to flooded sinuses till this felt almost normal
- and finally, feeling the vapors of ancient Dara fusing with the inspiration of even more ancient Stump, my more proper role model in life because A) he is a male, and B) he is a dog
- and preparing myself for the missing link transition wherein I become the perfect 56-year-old woman-man-canine chimera bridging the gap between Dara's Silver Excellence and Stump's Gold Magnificence:
Lordy! Where did this sudden hunger come from?
(Note: thanks as always to the magnificent Rusty Scupperton for his Photoshopping bewonderment.)