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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Revolutionary Aqua Shoe Glove

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
Yesterday, Bill White and Mark Scholl, their cups overrunning with sweat and hubris, arrived at the Y tennis courts at the generally agreed upon time of 8 a.m. for what I had hoped would be a Super Men's Best of 11 Set Championship match against the indomitable Irishman, John Delaney, and myself, a superb but psychologically frail athletic specimen.

John and I arrived fashionably late at 8:45, which I am certain Bill and Mark believed was a strategic decision to tire them out via exposure to the pitiless Heat Dome that is currently slow-cooking us here in the Middle Atlantic States.

Actually, though it may have served this function, both John and I had arisen early to the pitter patter of rain drops and figured we should give it time for the courts to dry out. Mark and Bill, who live across the Ohio River, had experienced no such rain drops and didn't believe they existed.

But enough preamble.

The basic gist is that our nemeses were nicely warmed up, and they took the first two sets 6-3 and 6-1 respectively.

John and I both felt thoroughly beaten down. There is something about a drubbing that tires you out more than the actual activity itself. It is, I think, akin to the learned helplessness of domestic abuse victims.

But then something amazing happened in the third set.

The tide turned. We won 6-3. And in the fourth set we won 6-1--the score equivalent of a palindrome.

Though I argued the fifth set would not decide anything--we were, after all, playing the best of 11--no one else seemed to want to play that long. I suggested that if the match was still going at 5 p.m., we could call it, but again, no one but me intended to suffer the brain damage such would certainly wreak on the wetware of our fast desiccating neurons.

So the 5th set was to be the deciding one.

It proved remarkably competitive, with the lead see-sawing back and forth and forth and back. At 7-7 in games, John suggested we play a tie breaker, but Bill, Mark, and I didn't really want to do so. The compromise: two more games. Either a winner would emerge or we would tie.

But that would be that.

I managed to win my serve. Score: 8-7. The worst we could do was a tie.

But then we won Mark's serve, and the match was ours!

Bill and I immediately headed for the Y's hot tub, which may seem counter-intuitive given the fact that we were already boiling hot and drenched in sweat. But we have discovered a dip in the Jacuzzi post-tennis allows us to do something throughout the remainder of the day that would otherwise be impossible.

Walk.

Ten minutes of swirling therapy on the dogs later, we went up to the pool to take a dip and cool off.

Bill, who wears these horrible discount tennis shoes that rather than cushioning the beating his feet take on asphalt courts only accentuates this, needed to limp to the pool in thonged sandals.

Before jumping into the deep end, he took these off and placed them on his hands and used them as swimming paddles.

This is the inspiration for today's vlog: a revolutionary new Aqua Shoe Glove that, with just the slightest tinkering by scientists, would provide active triathlete types the perfect solution to beach run-swimming.

To wit, how often have you wanted to go for a nice long jog along the beach, then swim back only to be stymied by this question:

What do I do with my shoes?

This new approach will allow you to run as long as you want in cushioning footwear, then either take said footwear off your feet and place them on your hands (as paddles) or leave them on your feet but convert them to
adjustible length swim fins via the retractable flipper.

If any of my vlog readers have connections to industry and would like to pursue this incredible idea further, I hereby publicly assign to you 1 percent of all moneys collected after the first 2.5 million dollars, this as an incentive to you to pick up the ball and carry it for me.

Thanks!

By the way, I could have definitely used the Revolutionary Aqua Shoe Glove later that afternoon when the lovely Heidi Kafka of Chicago, Illinois, convinced me to take her to North Park, a favorite swim stomping ground of her youth in our neck of the woods, and the two of us swam 3200 meters in the 85 degree human bullion, me riddled with nonstop toe, arch, foot, and calf cramps.



A typical thonged sandal modeled by a professional foot model whose prominent blue veins are deliberately suggestive.



The same thonged sandal converted by the ingenuity of Mr. Bill White, chemical engineer, to a swim paddle.



A sketch currently en route to the US Patent office for the Revolutionary Aqua Shoe Glove that is likely to change forever how active humans move at beaches. Please contact author for how you can earn 1 percent of anything over the first $2.5 million in revenue that I receive.

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Comments

  1. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    As the debt ceiling issue still has no solution in sight (almost 11PM Sunday nights, Asian markets about to open), my brother comes up with a product that may well bring Pittsburgh back into its industrial might, and even save our economy. Brud, you are far too generous with that offer of 1% of anything over $2.5 mil, but that's your nature. If you REALLY were going to be generous, I think you should issue shares to your readers, say $7500 for a round lot (that's what we pros refer to as 100 shares of Common stock). They's be FOOLS not to send their checks in before you get back the lick of common sense God gave you and start thinking about yourself for a while and not how you can save Pittsburgh, the country, and make your friends very wealthy indeed!
  2. kuztoo's Avatar
    "you just keep thinkin Butch, that's what your good at"
  3. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    As the debt ceiling issue still has no solution in sight (almost 11PM Sunday nights, Asian markets about to open), my brother comes up with a product that may well bring Pittsburgh back into its industrial might, and even save our economy. Brud, you are far too generous with that offer of 1% of anything over $2.5 mil, but that's your nature. If you REALLY were going to be generous, I think you should issue shares to your readers, say $7500 for a round lot (that's what we pros refer to as 100 shares of Common stock). They's be FOOLS not to send their checks in before you get back the lick of common sense God gave you and start thinking about yourself for a while and not how you can save Pittsburgh, the country, and make your friends very wealthy indeed!
    I guess you're right, John. I am just too damn selfless for my own good.

    But that's not what I care about.

    My own good is secondary to that of my future shareholders upon whose faith in me my status as stinking rich is dependent.

    Thanks for the wake up call!

    $7500 per round lot, it is! Send your money in immediately. I do not want to suffer the myriad problems that come from growing a company too rapidly, so I will cash only the first 10,0000 requests for round lots, and then you will have to wait!
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by kuztoo
    "you just keep thinkin Butch, that's what your good at"
    Thanks, Sundance. And you just keep on being eye candy for the Megans of the world, Mr. K! That's what one of the many things you're good at.
  5. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Ironic, the Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid reference, seeing as its director, George Roy Hill, was a good friend and classmate of Jim's dad. "Jim Thornton - He's Quality People, y'all!" TM
  6. kuztoo's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Thanks, Sundance. And you just keep on being eye candy for the Megans of the world, Mr. K! That's what one of the many things you're good at.
    "Boy, I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals."
  7. chowmi's Avatar
    I'm holding out for the model with the retratable wheels. That would put the final nail in the coffin for Heely's.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by chowmi
    I'm holding out for the model with the retratable wheels. That would put the final nail in the coffin for Heely's.
    You may just be onto something!

    Plus we should definitely incorporate some of those "energy return" heel springs that make walking on concrete like dancing on flubber.

    And speaking of coffins...

    perhaps the retractable fin could include enough extra material to accommodate a death shroud cum zipper?

    That way, when we are finally done jogging, paddling, flippering, rolling, and bouncing our respective paths through this veil of tears, our loved ones can simply wrap us up in our already fitted body bags?

    Gives new meaning to "buried with your boots on."

    Today's best athletes can look forward to being buried in their Revolutionary Aqua Shoe Glove funeral bags.

    No muss.

    No fuss.
  9. EricOrca's Avatar
    Your skills as a writer are undisputed and your innovating curious ideas are the spark which give's sentience to an otherwise banausic collection of tortuous aquatic endevours, however I think you have overlooked, especially after trodden under foot day after day, the slimy smelly odious residue on the foot-bed of the sandal. Now who, besides a chemical engineer, would place there hand upon such a lethal cocktail and engage in aquatic activities?
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by EricOrca
    Your skills as a writer are undisputed and your innovating curious ideas are the spark which give's sentience to an otherwise banausic collection of tortuous aquatic endevours, however I think you have overlooked, especially after trodden under foot day after day, the slimy smelly odious residue on the foot-bed of the sandal. Now who, besides a chemical engineer, would place there hand upon such a lethal cocktail and engage in aquatic activities?
    Excellent point, but not one I have failed to consider!

    We are already in negotiations with the manfacturers of A) slow-to-leech antibiotic materials of the sort incorporated into cardiac stents, B) glass ionomer coatings of the sort incorporated into dental fillings (whose accidental removal has been known to summon vultures so great is the flooding stench!), and finally C) the vast global R&D wings of the OdorEater and Summer's Eve Corporations, respectively, a one-two punch of mal-odor control technology with more than enough collective expertise into humanity's most offensive monkeyhouse emisions to put your concerns entirely behind us!
  11. bsherm81's Avatar
    Hi Jim,
    Is your brother going to leave a webcam behind when he evacuates the beach for Irene? If it tracks where I fear it will there won't be much beach left at OC. A storm surge over the whole set of barrier islands is a scary possibility too.

    Hoping for the best
    bill
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by bsherm81
    Hi Jim,
    Is your brother going to leave a webcam behind when he evacuates the beach for Irene? If it tracks where I fear it will there won't be much beach left at OC. A storm surge over the whole set of barrier islands is a scary possibility too.

    Hoping for the best
    bill
    Thanks, bill. Just heard from john, and it looks like everything emerged without significant damage, beach and house included. I hope to go over in a week and will let you know more then.
  13. bsherm81's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Thanks, bill. Just heard from john, and it looks like everything emerged without significant damage, beach and house included. I hope to go over in a week and will let you know more then.
    That's a blessing! Looking at the track of the storm, I envisioned the storm surge going right over the top of the island. Sounds like it must have hit at low tide. Beach erosion must have been pretty substantial either way?