View RSS Feed

Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Of Immortality and TAMFAM

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.


When Wordworth wrote his famous Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood, I assumed that he, having reached the years that bring the philosophic mind, would have looked something like this:



It turns out that he was actually 37 at the time of penning the Intimations poesy, only a few years older than this earlier picture of him:



I bring this up because I find myself a tweenager these days, one foot in the last days of what I have long considered the cut-off for middle age, i.e., ones 50s; and one foot in, thanks to FINA, the beginning of what I have just as long considered the beginning of old age, i.e., ones 60s.

Regardless of whether I am 59, as the calendar says, or 60, as FINA is allowing me to be, I am chagrined to report that the attainment of "the philosophic mind" continues to elude me.

This is particularly true when it comes to swimming, a sport measured in increments of one hundredths of a second, where the sinking into decrepitude is pitiless and inexorable.

Here is what I actually look like these days in a recently taken cell phone picture with my death robes on:



Here, however, is how I would describe myself to a police artist were I, by some weird magic, to become a victim of my criminal self:



(I am the one too weak too stand; if there is anything good to come from this self-image, it's that the police artist has chosen not to show my own sagging parts, a decency he opted not to bestow upon my female attendant on the right.)

In an effort to try to find some pittance of the philosophic mind before it is too late, before, that is, my long-time companion, Alzheimer's Jr., morphs into its own more pernicious senior self, let me set down herein a few random ruminations on what has provoked my sudden sense of growing old...



  1. Let us face it, I am growing old.
  2. For some reason that I can't quite fathom, I am starting to fatten up. Last summer, it was relatively easy to stay sub-180 after swimming practice and a steam bath, a time when dehydration is maximal. In fact, I think I flirted on occasion with the mid 170s then! But this winter, with only a few minor dietary changes, I am lucky to end practice weighing out at a portly dehydrated 183! These dietary changes include, but are not limited to, a decision to use Half n Half on my breakfast cereal; get 80 percent of my daily calories at night while watching TV in bed; and closing down our restaurant, which has changed the hours each day I spend standing from somewhat substantial to practically non-existent. Again, I do not know why I am suddenly getting fat, and I am not sure that weight is a suitable topic anyhow for a "philosophic mind." Enough about this.
  3. After more or less accepting the illegalizing of the yesteryear's cheater suits, I suddenly find myself missing them. The reason, I suspect, is that the normal year-by-year swimming time erosions, which in the past have proceeded at a psychologically manageable pace, have accelerated, again, for reasons I am not sure I grasp, fathood and old age notwithstanding. Thus one takes an unpleasant enough process to begin with--slowing down--and adds a quantum leaping agent to the mix--the removal of the body suit for hairy old men like me--and the result is a sense of plummeting that may or may not be justified, all things taken into account, but nonetheless is proving troubling for this particular geriatric tweenager.
  4. I will say that many extremely kind fellow travelers, from Jim Clemmons to Rich Abrahams to Ande Rasmussen (who is actually much too young still to be called a fellow traveler in any sense of geriatric comradeship; ditto for Rich and Jim, who preserve a youthful spirit that lesser men like me lack) have offered no shortage of advice and counsel.
  5. On Sunday, I will be swimming the 1650. Perhaps, if I do not perform too horrifically, this will remove temporarily any further imminent need of cultivating a philosophic mind. Realistically, however, I suspect this will bring me face to face with the Reaper's halitosis, which I imagine smells like daffodils and rotten meat.
  6. Back soon to resume my pursuit, be this a denial of death or an acceptance of its inevitability. The one thing I am determined to do, however, is not die of my own bad strategy--i.e., going out too fast in the 1650 and suffering like a strung up hog incapable of finishing the race he started.

TAMFAM
On an entirely different note, I invite my readers to try out a new fitness metric I blundered upon last night. I was in bed, eating Cookie Dough Ice Cream and watching The Office, resting up, as it were, for today's pursuit of a philosophic mind, when I decided to use my Azumio phone app to measure my quasi-rested heart rate. It was 42, decent enough for the night time.

It then occurred to me to check out my BMI, or body mass index, which you can do yourself right here:

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/

Based on last night's weight, mine ended up being 24.7.

I decided next to divide my BMI by my Resting Heart Rate, coming up with a 58.8 percent reading.

What, I asked myself, if I could lose 5 lb. and lower my RHH down to, say, 38?

Improvements on both indices would increase my percent reading to
63.1 percent. It was at this point I had a eureka moment: had I inadvertently blundered upon a new ABSOLUTELY MEANINGLESS FITNESS APPROXIMATION METRIC? I decided to appendage my name to it, and acronym-ize the whole mouthful.

And with this was TAMFAM born!

How soon can we conspire to sneak the concept into the exercise physiological literature, cited by tenure-seeking post docs the world over?

I ask that my readers help me to popularize the concept by simply:

  1. Recording your resting heart rate tomorrow morning before you get out of bed or do anything strenuous, wink, nudge, wink
  2. Calculate your BMI by clicking on this link and entering your height and weight where indicated: http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/
  3. Finally, use a calculator to divide your BMI (numerator) by your resting heart rate (denomimator) and leave your resulting TAMFAM in the comments section of this vlog, along with as much discourse as you would like to include speculating what TAMFAM might mean and why, indeed, it might not be so AM after all. (No need to leave ridicule and naysaying; I freely acknowledge that, as of this point in time, my new fitness metric is, indeed, ABSOLUTELY MEANINGLESS.)

I shall repost again sometime after the 1650 is over. If the subject is more on TAMFAM, you shall know that it has gone better, or at least as well, as could be expected.

If, on the other hand, I am back to a search for my "philosophic mind," perhaps quoting freely from the oeuvre of Kierkegaard along with select passages from Sartre's
Nausea, well then, my dear friends, ye shall know that Nature has taken its predictable course, and that the Second Law of Thermodynamics remains operable still, my own pitiable example impotent to shake it from its foundations.



Until his time in the 1650 proves him sadly delusional, our aging Jim continues to force himself to hope against hope for the coming of Spring.




Submit "Of Immortality and TAMFAM" to Digg Submit "Of Immortality and TAMFAM" to del.icio.us Submit "Of Immortality and TAMFAM" to StumbleUpon Submit "Of Immortality and TAMFAM" to Google

Categories
Uncategorized

Comments

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
  1. swimshark's Avatar
    Oh Jim, you don't look a day over 61
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    How is life on the couch treating you, sick one?

    You are in a perfect position now to post your TAMFAM!!!

    PS thanks. But I am pretty sure you mean 61 in dog years.
  3. The Fortress's Avatar
    Declining thyroid and testosterone hormones are the culprit. You know I'm right. :-)

    I have a tendency to eat a lot of calories at night as well, as I running about in the day so much. Not the best thing.
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    Ah, you are probably correct, Leslie!

    I see no one has yet posted their TAMFAM. Perhaps it has the illusion of being embarrassing.

    Still, a person who weighs 300 lb, and has, say, a BMI of 35, can have a resting heart rate of 60 and score a 58.3 TAMFAM, identical to what I am striving for!

    No need to post either numerator nor denominator--just the ratio!
  5. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Here is my TAMFAM:
    22.3 / 49 = 0.455102041
    Is that a good TAMFAM or a bad TAMFAM? I think we need Certified TAMFAM Counselors who have taken the James S. Thornton Online TAMFAM Assessment Course ( a real bargain at $4,568.965, all web links included!) I don't know if my TAMFAM score is something to write home about or a death sentence. Won't some of you folks PLEASE sign up for Jim's course and clarify matters for me?
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    Here is my TAMFAM:
    22.3 / 49 = 0.455102041
    Is that a good TAMFAM or a bad TAMFAM? I think we need Certified TAMFAM Counselors who have taken the James S. Thornton Online TAMFAM Assessment Course ( a real bargain at $4,568.965, all web links included!) I don't know if my TAMFAM score is something to write home about or a death sentence. Won't some of you folks PLEASE sign up for Jim's course and clarify matters for me?
    f

    I am running a special discount for those who sign up NOW. Instead of the usual $4,568.965, all web links included that Rusty cites, if you sign up in the next 45 minutes, you can buy everything for 3 easy payments of $4.89 each!

    Unfortunately, we still don't know what a good, bad, or indifferent TAMFAM is.
  7. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    I discussed the TAMFAM concept with its founder and we decided that because you want both BMI and resting herat rate to be LOW, division was NOT the way to go. So a new measure has been born, TAMFAM_r{eVized..} The formula looks like this:
    TAMFAM_r{eVized..}=BMI x RHR
    We think that a TAMFAM_r{eVized..} score, aka "TFr_q" of under 100 is a sign of good health. Since women tend to be highewr in the heart rate, further calculations will be eventually dione, but as is the case in all great medecine, it is the male health that receives the lion's share of initial attention. (In Dany Kaye's immortal phrase, "Wait you turn milady!")
    Anyway, let's see how I do...
    22.3 * 49 = 1 092.7
    Uh ohhh...Houston we have a problem. I have to shed some of these 158 lbs or start mediatating!
  8. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Sorry about my misspelling. Working out the minutiae of TAMFAM_r{eVized..} is difficult while consuming an IPA.
  9. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    OOPs, I meant under 1000. Not 100. Please don't panic. You'd have to have the heart rate of an elephant and inhabit the body of a vole to get a TFr_q under 100. Damn you Yard's extra delicious IPA, 8.5% alcohol!
  10. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    I agree wit RS, division is not the way to go...mine is 63%
    Wordworth sounds like he has "philosophic mind" cuz he dresses like a pansy...that adds considerable biologic age and likely worsens your tamfam.
    Good luck on your 1650...better to go up in flames going out strong or you might as well wear a cap with flowers on it.
    As an aside, your partner in the painting who does not seem to care that one mammary is out of the holster nor that it is hanging closer to the cement than not, is hot...
  11. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    New Developments:
    TAMFAM_r{eVized(2)..}=(BMI x RHR)/((SAT_Math+SAT_Verbal)/100)
  12. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    TAMFAM_r{eVized(2)..} is a very well-designed health and fitness measure that takes account of both physical and intellectual capacity. The gold standard is Jim whose is score is:
    (24.7 * 42) / 150 = 6.91600

    A "normal" person with BMI of 23, RHR of 60, and SAT IQ of 100 would score:
    (23 * 60) / 100 = 13.8

    So I think a decent score would be anything <10. (Jim is truly exceptional!)
  13. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Mine is 7.80500!
  14. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    1
    and you can get it down a little bit by eating a Home Run in frozen sausage pizza and a can of Pepsi. This combo got my heart rate up from 50 to 70 in about half an hour. The weight of the pizza probably would have kept my ratio at 1 even with the racing heart, but I went to the toilet in the middle of the meal.
  15. swimshark's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    How is life on the couch treating you, sick one?

    You are in a perfect position now to post your TAMFAM!!!

    PS thanks. But I am pretty sure you mean 61 in dog years.
    Yea, sure... dog years.

    The sick couch is boring me. You are tasked with entertaining me.

    By the way, my TAMFAM is 26.9%.
  16. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    Here is my TAMFAM:
    22.3 / 49 = 0.455102041
    Is that a good TAMFAM or a bad TAMFAM? I think we need Certified TAMFAM Counselors who have taken the James S. Thornton Online TAMFAM Assessment Course ( a real bargain at $4,568.965, all web links included!) I don't know if my TAMFAM score is something to write home about or a death sentence. Won't some of you folks PLEASE sign up for Jim's course and clarify matters for me?
    Rusty, you have one of the most amazing TAMFAM-unrevised measures I have seen to date in my history as inventor and administrator of the scale.

    That you were furthermore able to complete the inventory while drinking pale ale is a very propitious sign for a sub-scale inventory I am working on right now.

    Congratulations for being the poster boy for superb TAMFAM performance in the non-swimming population subset.
  17. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    TAMFAM_r{eVized..}
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton

    The formula looks like this:

    TAMFAM_r{eVized..}=BMI x RHR
    We think that a TAMFAM_r{eVized..} score, aka "TFr_q" of under 100 {sic} is a sign of good health. Since women tend to be highewr {sic} in the heart rate, further calculations will be eventually dione {sic}, but as is the case in all great medecine {sic}, it is the male health that receives the lion's share of initial attention. (In Dany {sic} Kaye's immortal phrase, "Wait you turn milady!")
    Anyway, let's see how I do...
    22.3 * 49 = 1 092.7
    Uh ohhh...Houston we have a problem. I have to shed some of these 158 lbs or start mediatating{sic} !
    Excellent comment, the occasional sics notwithstanding.

    To simplify the simplified acronym "TFr_q", I propose we pronounce this Teefurk.

    Sample use in a sentence:

    "What was your Teefurk today?"

    "Not so great, my Teefurk was up over 1000, but I am pretty sure it's because of all the Fartleking I was doing in my training. Fartleks and Teefurks don't mix well."

    "Excellent point about Teefurks and Fartleks. Perhaps we could contact the Thornton brothers to see if they could come up with a new Teefurk subscale that factors in a recent history of Fartlekking?"

    "Oh, I am certain the Thornton brothers could do this! Those boys are geriatric geniuses. And surprisingly low in their TAMFAM_r{eVized..} scores, that is to say, Teefurks. Given how hold they are, perhaps they would also want to add yet another adjustment along the lines of the Finnish formula?"

    "Whatever they do with this metric, you can be sure that they only have one thing in mind: Science! The Thornton twins have never been, and will never be, the kind of egomaniacs who craft highly idiosyncratic fitness metrics designed to make them look good!"

    "I absolutely agree. How can we contact the MacArthur Genius Grant commitee to bring these Superb Teefurking Metric-Pioneering geniuses to their attention?"

    "I wish I knew! Oh, how I wish I knew!"
  18. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    Sorry about my misspelling. Working out the minutiae of TAMFAM_r{eVized..} is difficult while consuming an IPA.
    See earlier note. Perhaps I should replace my insinuated {sics} with insinuated {hics}?

    I must say that John and Jim represent a cautionary tale out there for the wee ones just coming up in this world.

    John has lead a righteous life of penny pinching and hard work.

    Jim has taken more of a grasshopper approach to things, plus he has committed evil acts that better men simply reserve a spot for in their hearts as opposed to actions.

    John is now sitting on a fortune, his most creative years stretching out endlessly before him. And he caps off each day with God's own elixir, India pale ales with 8.5 percent dream-worthy fermented hops and grains!

    Jim is looking into Section-8 housing opportunities and/or unguarded cardboard boxes into which he might more some hay and his cell phone, hoping to continue vlogging thusly in the cold, cold and the hot swelter of Pittsburgh's mean streets' gray shifting seasons.

    The lesson: live a good life like John. Gather not ye rosebuds while ye may like Jim, for rosebuds are not what they seem, and that way lies ruin.
  19. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    I agree wit RS, division is not the way to go...mine is 63%
    Wordworth sounds like he has "philosophic mind" cuz he dresses like a pansy...that adds considerable biologic age and likely worsens your tamfam.
    Good luck on your 1650...better to go up in flames going out strong or you might as well wear a cap with flowers on it.
    As an aside, your partner in the painting who does not seem to care that one mammary is out of the holster nor that it is hanging closer to the cement than not, is hot...
    Kurt, excellent TAMFAM, but I encourage you to reassess and report you Teefurk and your Teefurk with cognitive addition.

    As my rosebud-rejecting superior twin reported, we have decided that multiplying, not dividing, is the way to go, to determine a more meaningful Teefurk. (You want both numbers to be low.)

    Judging from memory you mesomorphic but lanky physique, I suspect your BMI is right around 24, perhaps a bit under. If I am correct, this would mean that your resting heart rate is approximately 38.

    Your revised Teefurk would thus be a highly impressive 912--one of the lowest ever recorded, and almost as low as my own personal record of 795 (BMI 24.1 x rhr 33).

    Let us now add if a further factor, the cognitive measurement, to determine your Teefurk-WR, technically known as the TAMFAM_r{eVized..}-Well Rounded.

    Again, I am going to have to make certain assumptions here.

    1) you are an extremely witty, if politically unsophisticated, fellow, educated at BYU and graduated from a medical school that I am going to assume is in the United States, not Granada.

    2) You have been a great swimmer for decades, so the chances are good that your brain has been continually bathed in growth factors and the like.

    3) you appear, like many fellows I have met shackled to a system of beliefs inculcated deeply in childhood and reinforced through the years by like-minded inculcatees, to nevertheless be struggling for any tiny eddy of wriggle room from which to exercise your inner Bohemian spirit, which speaks highly of your intelligence

    4) on the other hand, you are still attracted to tube sock-like ancient female breasts, which suggests a certain degree of inbreeding wherein natural instincts and taboos cease to apply, a degeneration I have observed in my two pugs, who will freely poop into their own dog bowls without seeming reservation--this speaks a bit less highly of your intelligence.

    5) Finally, you have urged me to go out fast in the 1650, an urging for which, frankly, there is no other term that so aptly describes such a strategy for the likes of me than stupid.

    Thus, taking your considerable strengths and occasional weaknesses into consideration, I am going arbitrarily assign you the following SAT scores:

    Math: 723
    Verbal: 622

    Total: 1354

    Hypothesize i.q.: 135.4

    Let us now simply divide your Teefurk by this to get your Teefurk-WR:

    912/135.4 = 6.73!

    Superb, Dr. Dickson! Absolutely superb. It may be higher or lower, of course, depending on the accuracy of my hypothesized numbers for you. Please do report back you actual score.

    Again, your Teefurk-WR is practically as good as mine!

    Math: 782
    Verbal: 699

    i.q. 148.1

    795/148.1 = 5.36
  20. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    New Developments:
    TAMFAM_r{eVized(2)..}=(BMI x RHR)/((SAT_Math+SAT_Verbal)/100)
    I will try to have a more complete discussion of the new metric in its own vlog.

    For now, excellent summary, Dr. Rusty, Ph.D. (f).
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast