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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Palate Cleansing

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I'm awaiting the art work for the Sequel to Buck up, Albatrossian! Buck up! (http://forums.usms.org/blog.php?b=21165) and the invaluable life lessons this recent meet bestowed upon me, your Vloggist Everyman, and hence, by extension, to you, i.e., Everymanandwoman Everyman.

In the meantime, please enjoy today's palate cleanser of a vlog, which I offer in the spirit of less is more, the less being any extraneous verbiage I have managed to X-out, using the pen feature of the Paint program that comes free with Windows .

This represents the first time in history that the words All, American, Listings, for, James, and Thornton have ever been collected together in a single document, sequentially or otherwise.

If it can happen to me, it can happen to you, too, Everymanandwoman Everyman everywhere!

Have an excellent Monday, March 19th, 2012.



PS: Major thanks to Jeff Roddin for running a sensational 2012 Albatross Open during which his dapper-looking and newly minted septuagenarian father, Hubert (?) Roddin*, set two new national records and his doe-eyed daughter, Rachel-Ray (?) Roddin, had her pre-toddler debutante coming-out party (ostensibly to introduce her to Pittsburgh Society/ineligible bachelors).

I also got the chance to meet Ruth Ann (?) Roddin, Hubert (?) Roddin's lovely bride and quite possibly my future Grandmother-in-Law, as well as continued my uninterrupted winning streak in all distances of 400 m or longer that I have enjoyed against every member of the Roddin family. The streak dates back to the Chris Greene National Open Water 2-Mile Cable Championships two summers ago. It continued its uninterrupted peregrinations to glory thanks to the lovely Mulie Roddin, my likely future mother-in-law, who has shed the last of her baby bumpage, replacing this with blue-steel core musculature, but somehow still managed to lose to me and my own core, which when lightly flicked resembles a water bed. Not to worry, Mulie--it was still your finest 400 m swim in decades, in my opinion.

And it goes without saying that my gratitude knows no bounds, as well, to my mither, Leslie Livingston, with whom I co-own a house in Vienna, Virginia, which--unlike my other real estate ventures over the years--has actually seen a modest price rise on Zillow recently!

Nice to know that post-starter mansions in the close-to-Langley area of Washington, D.C., have begun to rebound from our recent economic woe!

One more little peep of disturbance from the Sino-Islamo-Soviet-Indo-North-Korean-et-al geopolitical realm, and everybody in Northern Virginia's gonna get filthier rich, Leslie and me included!


Here's hoping anyhow.



Jeff Roddin demonstrates the perfect racing dive, pike position.




Jeff and Mulie Roddin at a pre-marital counseling session with me during which I explained to Jeff the unbelievably noxious batch of suffering compounds that would be unleashed in his brain if he blew it with Mulie and did not get married in a timely fashion. Shortly afterwards, my possibly future bride, Rachel-Ray, was born, demonstrating once again that God helps those who help themselves. True, I have been accused of helping myself to too much. But God 'n me don't look at this way.


______________________________________________
* My recent inclusion in the highly rarefied-to-my-ilk world of All Americanism has induced such euphoria that even the realization I am only 10-years-young than Jeff Roddin's father cannot dampen my spirits. It does, however, continue to blow my mind. I thought Jeff was several decades older than me. His gravitas certainly argues for such a premise.

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Comments

  1. swimshark's Avatar
    So when can I get in on the All, American, Listings, for, James, and Thornton?
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    Step 1. Join 1776.

    Step 2. Become old and hope I am still alive.

    Step 3. Coax your spry friend at the nursing home to swim one leg of the relay. Note: do not confusing swimming one leg of the relay with swimming the relay with one leg.

    Step 4. Let the merriment begin!
  3. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    what in God's name is an All American and why would one aspire to become one?
  4. swimshark's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Step 1. Join 1776.

    Step 2. Become old and hope I am still alive.

    Step 3. Coax your spry friend at the nursing home to swim one leg of the relay. Note: do not confusing swimming one leg of the relay with swimming the relay with one leg.

    Step 4. Let the merriment begin!
    I'm almost old, I will search a nursing home soon and find relay members. Merriment will commence after that
  5. scyfreestyler's Avatar
    Pre-marital counseling?! How entertaining that must be!

    Nice to see all of those words coming together for you, sequentially or otherwise, in the same document as well.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Chicken of the Sea
    what in God's name is an All American and why would one aspire to become one?
    It's kind of like All Australian, but less prestigious.
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by swimshark
    I'm almost old, I will search a nursing home soon and find relay members. Merriment will commence after that
    Excellent!

    When searching for compatible geriatrics, try to find ones whose infirmities complement rather than overlapping your own.

    For instance, if you suffer from Breaststroker's Knee, look for people with Swimmer's Shoulder, Butterflier's Back, and Backstroker's Delusion to round out a good medley.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by scyfreestyler
    Pre-marital counseling?! How entertaining that must be!

    Nice to see all of those words coming together for you, sequentially or otherwise, in the same document as well.
    Thanks kindly!

    There is something fun about pre-marital counseling with the youngsters. It gives you a chance to roam down Memory Lanes that you'd assumed had become impassibly choked with weeds years ago.

    I don't know what Mulie thought of my advice. But Jeff certainly seemed wide-eyed and captivated. "You put what where why?" he kept asking after I revived him with the smelling salts. I would do my best to answer his earnest inquiries, but then he'd faint again!
  9. Bobinator's Avatar
    Did you know Mart and I finally got hitched last summer? We could have used some counseling! We are still working hard to figure all this stuff out and need Jimbervention!
    I'm happy to hear you are currently "all-american." I'm not sure what advantages this may yield for you but enjoy them please!
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    Did you know Mart and I finally got hitched last summer? We could have used some counseling! We are still working hard to figure all this stuff out and need Jimbervention!
    I'm happy to hear you are currently "all-american." I'm not sure what advantages this may yield for you but enjoy them please!
    I will gladly provide a Jimbervention the next time I am at the Compound Midwest!

    For now, a few chestnuts that I offer young couples like yourselves just setting off in life together:


    • Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. (I think I just invented this, but it's possible I saw it as a bumper sticker at Stuckey's.)
    • Avoid the word "hitched." I realize this is a folksy metaphor that has entered the lexicon thanks to popular television shows like Hee-Haw! But I have always felt that "hitched" has too much of an equestrian feel to it. The last thing newlyweds want to believe is that they are "horsey". A much better word, in my opinion, is "yoked." I find that newlyweds are much more likely to identify with oxen than horses.
    • Submit. Wives have long been told by Biblical and Talibanic authorities to submit to the authority of their husbands. I find this insufficient. I think both spouses need to submit to the authority of their pet animals, in your case, Emma the Pug. If you let Emma do your thinking for you, and simply follow her lead, I am certain you will have an enduring and generally quite happy marriage.
  11. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    You should never give marital advice or biblical advice...I do like stay up and fight though...I always say it's better to be right and sleeping in the office than happy in one's proper bed...
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    You should never give marital advice or biblical advice...I do like stay up and fight though...I always say it's better to be right and sleeping in the office than happy in one's proper bed...
    Why should someone who doesn't believe in marriage or the Bible refrain from giving advice to those who believe in one or both of these things?

    Just kidding!

    I believe in (non-plural) marriage, though less for moral than practical violence-preventing purposes.

    A former evolutionary biology professor of mine at Michigan made the interesting point that no culture that endorses polygamy has managed to make it far from tribalism, mainly because you need your various male kin to help you fight off other guys who think you are hogging all the women to yourself. This certainly seems to be the case with at least one of the world's enduring hotspots, the Middle East, where the ability of a Muslin to legally marry four women has perhaps kept the Arab world in its plutocratic violent mess for so long.

    So, here's my advice: marry one person, and if you have to play around on the side, don't get caught, for this can inaugurate its own albeit smaller scale spurt of violence; and try to limit the number of children, particularly male children, to no more than two.

    The latter advice comes not from my evolutionary biology professor but from my own life experience. If you have only one or two sons, your willingness to allow our politicians to reinstate the draft and send one or both of them off as cannon fodder for the latest chickenhawk adventuring are nil. The Chinese one-child policy, indeed, is why I am much less frightened of the military ascendancy of this country than many of my fellow Americans. True, the Communist Party may still have its velvet fist around the citizenry over there, but not even the most rapacious stranglehold will convince the parents of an only child son to send him off to battle.

    Thus spake Reverend Jimslie.
  13. Bobinator's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    I will gladly provide a Jimbervention the next time I am at the Compound Midwest!

    For now, a few chestnuts that I offer young couples like yourselves just setting off in life together:


    • Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. (I think I just
      invented this, but it's possible I saw it as a bumper sticker at Stuckey's.)
    • Avoid the word "hitched." I realize this is a folksy metaphor that has entered the lexicon thanks to popular television shows like Hee-Haw! But I have always felt that "hitched" has too much of an equestrian feel to it. The last thing newlyweds want to believe is that they are "horsey". A much better word, in my opinion, is "yoked." I find that newlyweds are much more likely to identify with oxen than horses.
    • Submit. Wives have long been told by Biblical and Talibanic authorities to submit to the authority of their husbands. I find this insufficient. I think both spouses need to submit to the authority of their pet animals, in your case, Emma the Pug. If you let Emma do your thinking for you, and simply follow her lead, I am certain you will have an enduring and generally quite happy marriage.
    Hmmmm, I like your slant on the "going to bed angry" advice. I never thought of it this way. Jim you're a sage!
    I rather fancy the term "hitched". I've never thought of it as a "horsey" thing except in the terms of legally being able to take him "out for a ride" whenever I want!