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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Of Dots, Gluttony, and Muskrats

Rating: 2 votes, 5.00 average.
First of all, a very belated Happy Thanksgiving 2012 for all my viewers:


I ate, of course, the Traditional American Thanksgiving Feed on Thursday, followed by the Traditional American Thanksgiving Leftover Feed the moment I woke up for breakfast on Black Friday.

And the gluttony has not taken more than a few moments rest ever since.

I am becoming a bloated monstrosity.

Last night, for example, I went to the local Bottom Dollar store and found a good price on center cut pork chops. The smallest package I could find, unfortunately, contained four of these beauties. I do not like leftovers when it comes to the other white meat, so I grilled and ate four of these:


and washed them down with some fizzy water and a whole avacado. Then I went to see Skyfall with my teammate Ben Mayhew and Liam White, son of our other teammate, Bill White. Liam is a boy genius and computer wizard about whom I will soon be writing more TERRIBLY EXCITING SWIMMING TECHNOLOGY DEVELOPMENTS LIKELY TO REVOLUTIONIZE THE WAY YOU WASTE TIME ON YOUR SMART PHONE!!!

Anyhow, at the movie theater, I purchased a box of Dots:


in the only size available. I gave Liam most, though I concede, not all of the green ones, and ate the rest of the Dots myself.

Thanks to the way they calculate grams of sugar on the size of the box, it seemed at first that perhaps I had not done myself too much diabetes-inducing damage. But then I realized that they were talking about grams of sugar per serving, of which there were actually five servings in the box.

Bottom line: as a chaser to my four grilled porkers and avocado, and as a prelude to my later beers and Klondike bar, I had inadvertently consumed 105 grams of sugar, somewhat more than the 25 grams per day recommended for men.

I will leave unspecified my breakfast and lunch preceding the Pork-Avacado-Dots main meal of the day, but suffice it to say, I didn't starve myself.

All of which circles me back to why this has relevance to my swimming and, for that matter, the Archimedes Principle.

To wit, I am becoming so bloated with fat and plumptitude that I greatly fear my recent swimming accomplishment (i.e., that first ever individual All American rating: still not absolutely guaranteed, but looking ever more cautiously optimistic as Dec. 1 hustles towards us!) might be my last one.

Partly because I must move so much additional fat-weight through the water.

And partly because the sheer bulk of me is displacing so much water from the pool itself that there might not be enough left to actually swim in.

All of which further circles me back to my Happy Thanksgiving card, photoshopped by my friend, Bill Robertson, who years and years ago similarly photoshopped a picture of me grilling a monkey in the jungle for use as my annual Christmas card. (Do not worry! I shall post this when the time is right!)

Anyhow, the creature I appear to be eating in my Happy Thanksgiving card is a muskrat, trapped and skinned by Dan E., a carpenter who does a lot of work for my wife and me at out Bed & Breakfast in Western, PA:


It occurred to me that maybe I could shed a few pounds if I went on the Modern Paleo Pittburger Diet™, eating only things like muskrats and pine cones that I can harvest on my own from the Western PA hinterlands.



Muskrat in water



Muskrat in truck



Muskrat in me belly
So far, unfortunately, I haven't managed to make the switch.

But looking at these last two pictures on a regular basis has helped put me at least slightly off my Traditional American Feed Diet.

And I hope, perchance, they will do the same for you!

If you get a chance, please check out my new actual blog, where I am hoping to slowly archive many of my published magazine stories over the years. There are already a couple entries up that have swimming articles available for free .pdf downloads:


I would be thrilled if any of you out there would consider "subscribing" via RSS to my new blog, known simply as ByJimThornton:


I'm hoping it might one day prove to be a poor man's pitiable pension plan, cranking out revenue via page view advertising in the neighborhood of $3.25 per month.

I am definitely going to need the money when the Modern Paleo Pittburger Diet™ inevitably fails and I end up--as we all know I shall--in The Nursing Home For Dot Addicted Fatties™.

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Comments

  1. The Fortress's Avatar
    You are decidedly not yet obese! Though you seem set on that path. :-)

    I loved Dots as a kid, though they're basically plastic and tasteless. It's amazing the amount of crap one can shovel into the gullet at movie time.

    Your pork chops look extremely tasty!
  2. jaadams1's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by The Fortress
    I loved Dots as a kid, though they're basically plastic and tasteless. It's amazing the amount of crap one can shovel into the gullet at movie time.
    Or on a daily basis! I need to get started...it's football Sunday and I haven't got started with the shoveling yet!
  3. knelson's Avatar
    Where's the Muskrat Love?
  4. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    dots are a huge waste of calories but don't worry: bloated is good for masters swimming...I myself have put on 50 pounds since college and I believe it really helps with flotation. As far as muskrats go, all I know is "muskrat love" is by far the worst song ever written...If I had to ever go paleo, I would shoot myself: crack donuts, chips, and all things carb are all I eat...
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by The Fortress
    You are decidedly not yet obese! Though you seem set on that path. :-)

    I loved Dots as a kid, though they're basically plastic and tasteless. It's amazing the amount of crap one can shovel into the gullet at movie time.

    Your pork chops look extremely tasty!
    Dots are high fructose corn syrup rolled into little balls and colored with dyes and artificial flavorings, both of which are warehoused in huge vats in New Jersey. I thought this batch tasted just a bit salty. I suspect there was a wee bit of incursion from Hurricane Sandy.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jaadams1
    Or on a daily basis! I need to get started...it's football Sunday and I haven't got started with the shoveling yet!
    James, you appear to have the same affection from cheap, high-caloric-density foods that I, and most poor people, favor.

    It will kill us, of course. But as Gene Wilder so nicely put in that scene from Blazing Saddles, the question is a wistful When?

    Quite possibly my favorite joke of all time:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=...ture=endscreen
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by knelson
    Where's the Muskrat Love?

    Here:

    [nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yKw8j7GLSdw"]Captain & Tennille MUSKRAT LOVE - YouTube[/nomedia]

    Quite possibly my least favorite song from the disco era.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    dots are a huge waste of calories but don't worry: bloated is good for masters swimming...I myself have put on 50 pounds since college and I believe it really helps with flotation. As far as muskrats go, all I know is "muskrat love" is by far the worst song ever written...If I had to ever go paleo, I would shoot myself: crack donuts, chips, and all things carb are all I eat...
    Dr. Dickson, man of science, perhaps you will have an idea about my accidental discovery today at the Y.

    I suffer from hypoglycemia of exercise on such a regular basis that I now must take a prophylactic packet of GU gel and/or chomps before every swimming practice, else I begin to see lights at around the 1000 yard mark, followed by shakiness, trembling, inability to continue swimming, and an overwhelming desire to eat something.

    After last night's dietary excess, I went to the Y this afternoon to do a long, slow, fat burner swim. I had a muffin for breakfast, two pretzels around 1 pm, and a packet of Gu when I got into the pool around 3:30.

    I figured that after my whopping bolus of sugar from the DOTS the night before, I might well suffer a huge hypoglycemic backlash.

    But not only did this fail to materialize, but I actually felt inordinately well.

    I swam slowly--don't get me wrong--a 600 with open turns, followed by 5400 at a steady nonstop pace of probably 1:24 per 100, then a 500 breaststroke and a 100 backstroke.

    My shoulders got a bit sore, but I never felt tired the way these long il garbagio grinds usually make me feel.

    Obviously, you can't base too much on a single experience. But what do you think the odds are that I have inadvertently blundered upon a new and exceptionally potent form of carboloading, one which might actually prove useful in real racing conditions?

    I refer to the Box of Dots the Night Before Method.

    What say ye?
  9. Water Rat's Avatar
    Exercise-induced hypoglycemia? I know it well. Do you think I could substitute Mike & Ike's for Dots though? I find they taste much better though I haven't compared the sugar content nor the specific dyes used imported from NJ.

    Also, another advantage of your added mass would be water displacement at the start creating a tsunami like effect on the swimmers in the adjacent lanes.
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Water Rat
    Exercise-induced hypoglycemia? I know it well. Do you think I could substitute Mike & Ike's for Dots though? I find they taste much better though I haven't compared the sugar content nor the specific dyes used imported from NJ.

    Also, another advantage of your added mass would be water displacement at the start creating a tsunami like effect on the swimmers in the adjacent lanes.
    Mark, a few comments:

    1. So you really do get E-I-H? If so, what do you do for it. I have found that the GU packet right before practice starts usually does the trick, but I wish there was something a bit less sugary.

    2. I went to visit you at the no-longer-starter Mansion (it appears to be a Man in Full, finisher Mansion), but the old owners were there.

    Awkward....

    I hate it when the new plutocrats usurp the old plutocrats. I also love it because I know, as Marcus Aurelius reminds us so nicely:

    Time is like a river made up of the events which happen, and a violent stream; for as soon as a thing has been seen, it is carried away, and another comes in its place, and this will be carried away too. . . .
  11. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    the dots may be your secret...some of my best workouts were after eating a load of (proverbial) sh*t...I get that strange bonky feeling sometimes swimming even when I'm not going that hard and have to stop and kick for 20 minutes...probably a little TIA from break-down products of my hostess donettes...
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    the dots may be your secret...some of my best workouts were after eating a load of (proverbial) sh*t...I get that strange bonky feeling sometimes swimming even when I'm not going that hard and have to stop and kick for 20 minutes...probably a little TIA from break-down products of my hostess donettes...
    SUMMARY - Hypoglycemia during exercise is a common event due
    to an unbalance between training volume, nutrition, and external influences such as chronobiology, temperature or altitude, in subjects characterized by an acute and chronic increase in glucose effectiveness and
    insulin sensitivity. While it is preventable by adequate pre-exercise feeding with carbohydrates, it can also be induced by a prior carbohydrate
    meal with high glycemic index. Adequate training induces resistance to
    hypoglycemia via a shift in the balance of oxidized substrates and marked
    hormonal adaptations, but overtraining, by partially reversing this adaptation, favorizes hypoglycemia. Exercise hypoglycemia is a cause of fatigue or exercise cessation, but also impairs thermoregulatory adaptation and isassumed to fragilize muscles and tendons for traumatic
    events.

    from http://www.alfediam.org/media/pdf/Re...nD&M2-2001.pdf

    Finally, I understand why my muscles are so fragilized!