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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

FINA's Body Suit Ban: Unintended Consequences

Rating: 21 votes, 5.00 average.
First of all, I apologize to my multitudinous vlog fans for the past several weeks (months?) of summer sabbatical. As is often the case with my vlogging schedule, it periodically needs to take a backseat to my actual job of writing for money. If USMS would simply agree to pay me the same $3.37 per word that I have been getting from my employer, I would be able to buy beers for all my alcoholic competitors at Indy the night before we race.

In any event, I have been so busy trying to answer a topical question that I have neglected my vlog entirely, and for this, I apologize.

BTW, the topical question is fairly straightforward:

What does the public thinks is more likely to kill them: novel H1N1 adding virulence factors, H5N1 adding more efficient human to human transmission, a hellish recombined chimera of H1N1/H5N1, seasonal flu, or some other as yet off-the-radar "ethereal liquid from the heavens"?

Stay tuned for the answer to the above.

For now, as I prepare to embark in the Honda Conestoga Prairie Schooner to cross the Great Plains and amber fields of grain smothered in buffalo herds, the skies blackened by flocks of passenger pigeons from one end of the horizon to the next, stopping only to refuel the Civic and repel Indians, all the way from Pittsburgh to Indiana, my left arm exhibiting strange tingling numb sensations, my weight--despite gluttony--plummeting from stress and occult infections, all of this to reach what is surely to be my final LCM Ragnarok wearing a high tech body suit of water repelling armor---

it has occurred to me that FINA may just possibly be making a mistake in its insistence that men return to the yesteryear of briefs.

Oh, this may be fine for your Popov's and your Lochte's, your Phelps's and your Spitz's.

But for many an aging hirsute flabbmeister of a male masters swimmer, the last thing that is likely to encourage meet participation is MORE REVEALING SWIMSUITS...

Bad enough that our loved ones and proctologists must see such nightmares. But the innocent public?

The truth is that human males, like silver back gorillas, become more disgustingly hairy (and paradoxically attractive to the young female gorillas, but that's beyond the scope of today's vlog) with every passing year.

Despite the best efforts of Bruno and the Gillette Shaving Co., body depilation remains the province of the metrosexually insecure and the porn star, both of which apparently subscribe to Gillette's latest slogan: The Tree Looks Taller When Its Base Has Been Cleared Of Underbrush.

For those of us who have long ago made peace with the fact that our saplings will never be mistaken for sequoias, this bandillaro stuck deep into the insecurity lobe draws no blood.

We are of the generation who will go to our graves believing with all our hearts a central tenant of masculinity:

Real Men Do Not Bikini Wax.

Hence the dilemma posed by the back-to-the-future return to the Spitz brief era.

Trying to cheer myself up for this prospect, I recently had an occasion to don an old pair of Speedo briefs. On the private grounds of my estate, I arranged a private photo sesssion of myself so garbed and simulating a variety of swimming poses likely to be seen by thousands of fellow swimmers and gawking spectators at future national masters meets where I shall have no choice but to swim thusly equipped.

I had very much hoped that the subsequent photos would prove my reservations laughable, that I would look perfectly fine, no cause whatsoever for concern.

But when the prints came back from Helmut Newton's Professional Photo Lab, and I saw for the first time just what these suits do to the body of a 56-year-old man who will, starting Thursday, be swimming as a FINA-57-year-old Master, I must say I fear this new rule could literally kill our sport.

Kill it, bury it, dig it up from the grave, kill it again, bury it again, then spray accelerants on the grave site and burn the whole Mother ****er down.

But that's just my fear. Perhaps I am just being paranoid.

Perhaps you should decide if you want to see me, and guys like me, in these outfits at a pool near you as early as Jan. 2010!

And thus I herewith present a photo gallery of a typical man's man at 56, wearing a Speedo brief:

I have chopped off my head for this first image so that you can use your imagination to stick the head of a teammate of your choice upon a very typical aging male swimmer's body.

Here, I add my head but do so in a way, admittedly, intended to flatter me. But does a victory pose become me? I can't decide.

Here I am, showing off my sinewy physique in the hopes of distracting the viewer's eyes from dipping towards my nether regions. For some odd reason, I am having trouble getting the Joseph Conrad quote out of my mind: "The horror!" he wrote. "The horror!"

I prefer the traditional start, and in this pose, I mimic what legions of masters swimming fans will be seeing soon at meets near you when I, and guys like me, mount. The blocks, that is.

Probably best that the track start came too late for me to master. Of all my various action poses, this may be the least flattering.

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  1. qbrain's Avatar
    Love the merkin Jim. Is that just one or were you wearing your entire collection for the photo shoot?
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    That's no Merkin! That's all me, au naturelle, as Playboy used to put it, with only the thinnest tissue of nylon gauze between little Jim and a world of execration!
  3. thewookiee's Avatar
    oh my gawd...i am on the dirt floor of my 3 room shack laughin as i had someone read ur blog(see, i can't read none to good)

    Yun's picturos remind me of my dearly depart sister right before she stepped in front of my daddy's hay balier.

    That's sum pretty good writin there, for a dang yankee.
  4. knelson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    Love the merkin Jim.
    Thanks for making me look up the word "merkin." It will henceforth be part of my vocabulary. Not sure the opportunity to use it arises much, but when it does I'm ready!
  5. qbrain's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by knelson
    Thanks for making me look up the word "merkin."
    I bet googling is even better now that google includes images in the search results.

    Now that you know what a merkin is:
    1. Would you expect Jim to own one?
    2. Would you be surprised if Jim posted a picture on his blog of just him and his favorite merkin?
  6. SwimmerGirlKT's Avatar
  7. quicksilver's Avatar
    For everyone's sake...I hope they allow masters to keep using wetsuits for pool swimming.

    At least now we know what happens to head hair on older men. They don't lose it. It just migrates.
  8. knelson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    Now that you know what a merkin is:
    1. Would you expect Jim to own one?
    2. Would you be surprised if Jim posted a picture on his blog of just him and his favorite merkin?
    I wouldn't want to put anything past Jim.
  9. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Jim, I got an email from a woman who stumled upon these exquisitely beautiful portraits! Here is what she said:
    "Unbelievably manly! Sean Connery, eat your heart out! Now that Jim Thornton is what I have been looking for my whole life!!!!"
    Ms. Pussy Galore
  10. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    got a merkin on yer gherkin?
    your poor little doggies
  11. fanstone's Avatar
    Jim, way back in 1973, a friend partially shaved his pubes, and told me it was so his manhood would "appear" bigger. Alas, we now know that IT is a weapon of pleasure not of torture and also that there are alternatives (read The Hite Report), so size is out, technique is in. If this weren't a family blog, you could show what really drops out of the skimpy shorts, also known as the cojones...billy fanstone
  12. heidi k's Avatar
    Frankly Jim, I think you are just encouraging FINA to reduce our swimsuit options. How could anyone not find their prurient instincts aroused by these images? Please remove these photos immediately.
  13. The Fortress's Avatar
    Despite the lack of bikini wax, I can tell you've got great legs.
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    Heidi, I do apologize for whatever effect these photos have had on your marital vows. I suggest that you:

    1) quickly graft your husband's head onto th headless picture number A above

    2) come up with some sort of endearative nickname for your husband that rhymes with Jim. Say, for instance, his name is Henry. You could try something like this: "Henry, darling! You are my wonderful little Bim! I love you so much. Oh, my dear, dear Bimmy!"

    3. abstain from all forms of intimacy until the Bim/Bimmy endearative, as seemingly bizarre as it might be, finally "sticks" in his mind and becomes almost, well, normal.

    4. when you do at last resume intimacy--and frankly, how long you can postpone doing so probably will have a lot to do with how frequently you visit today's vlog for erotic refreshment--it is virtually certain that in the throes of things, you will call out my name.

    Later, when your disapproving husband says, "Who's Jim, and why is it exactly that you don't want him to stop?", simply reply, "Not Jim, silly. My throat must have constricted from pleasure! I was yelling out Bim!"

    And with this strategy, you will be able to live out the remainder of your life as a sensuous creature without being strangled for impure thoughts of the forbidden other!
  15. KEWebb18's Avatar
    My favorite part is your dogs at your feet while you are posing in the last pic. HILARIOUS!
  16. Bobinator's Avatar
    The track start looks like it could use some help, but the puggies are pure purfection!
  17. EricOrca's Avatar
    You know, you can wear a jammer. Then you can ditch the merkin and not worry about being a metro...
  18. jim thornton's Avatar
    Less than 18 hours ago, I posted these pictures of myself, figuring I would be lucky to get more than a few quick glances from fetishistic perverts whose radar seems always on the lookout for new erotica. To my surprise, this vlog has already received somewhere in excess of 200+ visits, and who knows how many of these visits have been repeats, that is, after a short refractory period has allowed for rekindling of onanistic interest. (I have always wondered how Playboy playmates must feel about the consequences of their pictorial revelations. Now, I am virtually certain, I know: a deep and abiding pride in what God has given them/me.)

    In any event, I am leaving soon for Indy. In fact, I would be on the road now were it not for my co-traveler Bill and his inability to line up timely babysitting.

    What I hope is that upon my return Sunday night, dispirited as I shall surely be from a rash of piss-poor swimming performances that not only reflect my deteriorating physical condition but my essential charaterological flaws, that an unexpected antidote to my mood will be awaiting me here:


    this vlog having gone viral,

    the number of comments left hereupon uncountable in their enormity,

    and proof positive that even the revolting and repellant and decrepit have a place in human society after all!

    And on this note, I begin the trek. Good day!
  19. jim thornton's Avatar
    James Kegley, if you read this vlog, please respond by posting a comment!
  20. Jaskeg's Avatar
    The carpet and the rug are not a good match Jim!
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