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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Groin Disaster!

Rating: 3 votes, 4.67 average.
Because my idiopathic (as yet) groin disaster is driving me batty with itching, tonight's vlog will be a bit simplified.

I will be adding no pictures or videos, which I think can only pale in comparison to what your imaginations can supply.

Moreover, I have lost too much sleep from the itching disturbing my sleep last night that I can't write more than a line or two of coherent prose.

Thus permit me to approach the topic of fungi invasion of the crease between my left teste and inner thigh, at the very top, the upper left vertex of the isoscelean Delta of Venus (were I a woman), or perhaps the eye bag under Pinocchio's left orb is a bit more like it (were I a man), during a rare moment of Pinocchioian truth-telling, for there is no lie I could tell in all god's firmament that would allow my nose to elongate right now, so fierce is the itching, where was I?--oh, yes, the forms with which I will approach tonight's topic succinctly:

  • a haiku

  • copied comments from my Facebook page, the other arena where I have been soliciting free medical advice, so far without any serious suppliers of same.

Part 1: Haiku

Itchy groin mis'ry
Scalding water from the tap
Short-lived abatement

Part 2: Facebook commentary

(I posted a link to yesterday's vlog-- ; Floyd and Barb both gave it a "like" rating. Then the following comments appeared over time)

Barb Weidner The ads are for jock itch and genital itch, lol.
Yesterday at 8:18pm

Leslie Livingston Maybe the ads will give Jim good sources for effective unguents and creams ...
Yesterday at 10:17pm

James Scott Thornton I think I need to get some Mycolog. Worked like a dream when I was younger.
22 hours ago

Richard A Skerrett There are tablets you can take that kill from within.
15 hours ago

James Scott Thornton Are they available in the US? The itch last night woke me up.
12 hours ago

Leslie Livingston I'm sure they are, Jim, but you have to go to a doc to get a scrip. The tablets work much faster on nasty funguses.
11 hours ago

Richard A Skerrett Definitely worth a visit to the doc. The tablets are most efficacious.
11 hours ago

James Scott Thornton Doctor appointment: tomorrow, 8:45 a.m. Assuming, that is, that the fungus--like a seed pod from outer space--has not by then completely subsumed my entire being and called the doctor's office back and announced, "Cancel my appointment. Anti-fungals are no longer necessary."
8 hours ago

Richard A Skerrett I think you have been reading too much science fiction. The fungus is a wily beast but has not evolved into a dialing organism yet - or has it? Maybe they have new strain in the Idaho wilderness.
7 hours ago

James Scott Thornton Part fungus, part wolverine, part Jimbo DNA, and part pure monstrosity!
7 hours ago

Jack Martin Fungus consists of millions of living organisms. As a form of life you should respect it's right to live and try to coexist with it! War against fungus is not the answer. Try to see the world through the fungi point of view! If the world didn't have fungus we wouldn't have penicillin!
6 hours ago

James Scott Thornton I would love to find a PETA member who would come and scrape off every single little fungi from my groin and save same from the horrible death I am praying modern medicine will bring them...

You do raise a good point, though, Jack. I am being selfish, aren't I?

Yikes that itches!
6 hours ago

Jack Martin "Selfish" is probably not the right analytical framework in this situation. I think we need to look at it through the cost benefit analysis which will be used in the new government health care package. Example: An 80 year old man needs a hip replacement for $100,000, he is only expected to live another 3-4 years, so a hip replacement is a waste... Read More of money. The money is better spent on psychological counseling for 100 career criminals, in order to convince them that rape, robbery and murder are, although an understandable reaction to their deprived childhoods, improper reactions to the stress of modern society.

In your case this analysis progresses as follows: Jim Thornton's groin; no value to society and little value even to him (57 years old, 2 kids, etc., his groin has done all it's ever gonna do). The value of a new form of fungus: heck for all we know, this particular strain may cure cancer! Result: the fungus lives, Jim's groin?
3 hours ago

James Scott Thornton Jack, I can see why you are such an excellent prosecutor! A steady, rational, inarguable accumulation of factoids that lead to one inescapable conclusion:

cut out Jim's hip and give it to the old man, then let the 100 career criminals feast on what's left.
15 minutes ago

Tom Patterson Just take out Bernie Madoff's hip, give it to the 80 year old and let the prisoners feast on what's left of Bernie Madoff's remains.
11 minutes ago

James Scott long as we're dissecting Bernie, can I have his groin for transplant?

2 seconds ago

Epilogue...or prologue?

Doctor's appointment tomorrow at 8:45 a.m. Just took another scalding shower, a trick I learned for ameliorating (temporarily) the itch of poison ivy.

In addition to the original small lesion, that looked like one of those between-the-toes cracks you can get from Athlete's Foot, like a tiny smirking mouth, I now seem to have developed a major allergic reaction to cheap generic drug store anti fungal foot creme applied to the groin. I followed this up with heavy duty cortisone creme prescribed for a finger fungus, and this seemed to do nothing but further hamper my body's attempt to repel the little invaders. And now, exacerbating it all, third degree burns from the shower in an attempt--as the Japanese poets might put it--achieve the bliss of "short-lived abatement."

If I had the energy, I would try to add one further form of writing to tonight's vlog: the updated folk song.

I have only one line so far:

Where have all the groin doctors gone, long time passing?

Dr. Dixon! Where the hell are you with my free sample of nystatin-oxycontin mustard plaster?

Why hast thou forsaken me, Dr. Duxson?

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  1. EricOrca's Avatar
    I have always found your blogs to be sometimes amusing, entertaining, informative ( Finger cots), awe-inspiring (your 200 FR SCY performance) and now.. this operatic drama with Jim the baritone singing of his plight and anguish amongst his fellow villagers , one hand clutching his naughty-bits, the other raised in a desperate plea as his aria reaches its crescendo!
  2. Bobinator's Avatar
    Have you tried hydrogen peroxide followed by a day of commando in a panti-less gown? I think it needs air down there.
  3. billwhite's Avatar
    Jim you are excused from practice. (And just to make this clear, if you come you are forbidden from practicing.)
  4. Speedo's Avatar
    You're making me itch. My wife always says that the mind can cause physical reactions (bruising, etc.)- I no longer feel that this is psychobabble. Good luck with the Jimbola, though.
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Normally, I wait for a while for a vlog to sink in before posting another one. But things are breaking so quickly on the Groin Catastrophe front that I need to post again.


    We may be dealing with an entirely different species of malefactor.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Eric, thanks. I am not all that musical, but I suppose I could write the libretto and find someone to set it to music, then see if Sting would play me in the opera.

    I like the idea. I like it a lot.

    The notion that my life, such as it is, will not have ended in vein. Or vain. One of them.
  7. jim thornton's Avatar

    Read the new (not yet posted, but soon to be posted) vlog. Your idea makes sense...for the old adversary.

    There may be a new, more deadly one involved.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    PS to Bob: what is it about calling my underwear panties? Why do women insist on doing this?

    They are not panties.

    I don't think there's a good phrase for them, but the closest I can come is Hog Sheathe.
  9. jim thornton's Avatar
    Bill, again, the new diagnosis indicates that chlorine exposure might be just the thing, or to be more accurate, just one of the many, many, many things, the doctor ordered.

    See you tonight. If you insist, I will swim in my own lane.
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Mr. Speedo,

    I would like to give you an award for the best neologism of the month to date: Jimbola.

    When the lesion begins to hemorrhage more copiously, and trigger cataracts from my nostils, ear canals, eye sockets, and naval, I will know that you are more than just witty but perspicacious, too.
  11. billwhite's Avatar
    Jim, you forgot to mention that your lesion may just be your feminine side attempting to form a vagina and the ensuing itchiness just something you can treat with any myriad of products advertised in print.
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Bill, once again your doctorly powers astound me. Your prophecy has come true!

    I am hoping some of my female readers can give me the inside scoop, so to speak, on caring for my newly developed organ. I have always been more or less an outside observer of this body part, and I concede that it has more than baffled all attempts on my part to understand what it wants, how it functions, and why it seems so strange in so many ways.

    But now that I have one, I really do need to figure these things out.

    Girls, anybody up for a slumber party? After the pillow fight, when we are all misted and huffing and pink, maybe our talk can turn serious.

    And you'all can show me the ropes?
  13. Bobinator's Avatar
    I can't wait to see the vaJohna! I shall from this point on refer to your undergarments as hog sheath, not panties. I just happen to like the work "panties".
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    I just happen to like the work "panties".
    It is, indeed, likable work, especially when you are able to remove them from your target and add them to your souvenir collection. Likable work and rewarding under such circumstances!