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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Worsening Groin Disaster, Rated XM for Mature Medical

Rating: 24 votes, 5.00 average.
I went to the doctor this morning, explained the situation about my time in the Wilderness, and the gradual appearance of a smallish lesion sometime after my return from the woods, and how this has steadily blossomed--in spite of, or perhaps because of--the various self-treatments I had tried (OTC anti-fungal foot creme; powerful cortisone creme for thumb fungus; scalding hot water dousing).

He had me drop my pants and Hog Sheathe to reveal the horrorshow lurking below. It now looks like an open stab wound, or some kind of attempt by my body to transform my gender against my will, or maybe like the first axe strike that will eventually lead to my left leg cracking and the need to cry "Timber" when the thing crashes on the ground, possibly making a sound, possibly not, depending on whether there is anyone around to hear it, and that person's philosophical leanings.

I'm getting off the track.

He looked at the lesion as I looked at his eyes. A doctor becomes steeled over the decades by human disgustingness, but this was of such a revolting caliber that I dare say even Edgar Allen Poe would have been moved to vomit at the sight of it.

First warning: you, too, will soon have the opportunity to see this in a coldly sterile medical photograph taken by me on my Logitech QuickCapture internet camera.

Do not look if you are underweight, for to look at this lesion as it has come to be over the course of the past few days is to virtually guarantee that you will lose both your appetite and your lunch.

Indeed, it's only a matter of time before the Jim Thornton Groin Catastrophe Pictorial Diet Plan catches on with startlets all throughout Southern California and its surrounding valleys and nooks.

So the doctor said, "It doesn't actually look like a fungus--more like an infection. Is it possible you might have been bitten by a tick?"

He proceeded to list a number of suspects he wanted to run titers for, including Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and/or other germs of the rickettsia group.

As Wikipedia sums up:

Rickettsia is a [ame=""]genus[/ame] of [ame=""]motile[/ame], Gram-negative, [ame=""]non-sporeforming[/ame], highly [ame=""]pleomorphic[/ame] [ame=""]bacteria[/ame] that can present as [ame=""]cocci[/ame] (0.1 μm in diameter), rods (14 μm long) or thread-like (10 μm long). [ame=""]Obligate intracellular parasites[/ame], the Rickettsia survival depends on entry, growth, and replication within the [ame=""]cytoplasm[/ame] of [ame=""]eukaryotic[/ame] host cells (typically endothelial cells).[1] Because of this, Rickettsia cannot live in artificial nutrient environments and are grown either in [ame=""]tissue[/ame] or [ame=""]embryo[/ame] cultures (typically, chicken embryos are used). In the past they were regarded as microorganisms positioned somewhere between viruses and true [ame=""]bacteria[/ame]. The majority of Rickettsia bacteria are susceptible to [ame=""]antibiotics[/ame] of the [ame=""]tetracycline[/ame] group.
Rickettsia species are carried as [ame=""]parasites[/ame] by many [ame=""]ticks[/ame], [ame=""]fleas[/ame], and [ame=""]lice[/ame], and cause [ame=""]diseases[/ame] such as [ame=""]typhus[/ame], [ame=""]rickettsialpox[/ame], [ame=""]Boutonneuse fever[/ame], African Tick Bite Fever, [ame=""]Rocky Mountain spotted fever[/ame], Australian Tick Typhus, Flinders Island Spotted Fever and Queensland Tick Typhus [2] in human beings. They have also been associated with a range of plant diseases. Like [ame=""]viruses[/ame], they only grow inside living cells. The name rickettsia is often used for any member of the [ame=""]Rickettsiales[/ame]. They are thought to be the closest living relatives to bacteria that were the origin of the [ame=""]mitochondria[/ame] organelle that exists inside most [ame=""]eukaryotic[/ame] cells.
The method of growing Rickettsia in chicken embryos was invented by [ame=""]Ernest William Goodpasture[/ame] and his colleagues at [ame=""]Vanderbilt University[/ame] in the early 1930s.

How typically inane of me to have worried about misadventure with wolverines, pizzlies, and porcupines when the real threat were non sporeforming highly pleomorphic obligate intracellular parasites!

Warning number 2: do not look at my pictures if you are squeamish, prudish, or plagued a disturbing triumvirate of traits that include bed wetting, fire setting, and animal getting. These pictures will either greatly disturb you or enable you to begin acting on certain fantasies that are best left unacted upon. You have been warned twice!

My friend and swimming coach, Bill White, who in a recent comment about yesterday's vlog, Groin Disaster! ( than 50 hits and no 5 star ratings yet--honestly, would it kill you to click on this link and revisit!) banned me from swimming practice till the Pierian Spring in my groin stops producing liquid, anyhow, Bill and I got to talking today after my new diagnosis, and I told him that I would love to be able to show my regular viewers what exactly it is that I am suffering so egregiously from, but due to its location and the family values of the USMS community at large, which doesn't take kindly to rickettsia in these parts, anyhow, I lamented that I couldn't do so without inviting complaints and the likelihood Jim Matysek would be recruited into taking such a graphic vlog down.

Bill came up with a great idea: simply cover over what EricOrca referred to as my "naughty bits" with a picture that provides a schematic sense of where the lesion is in relationship to a medically accurate if idealized anatomical drawing.

Which will make much more sense once you see it.

However, I must now issue Warning Number 3:

Do not read any further, nor examine in any way, least of all great detail (which can be done by holding down the ctrl key and tapping the + sign on PC's, not sure exactly how to zoom in on lesions on a Mac.)

Do not do this, please!

Furthermore, if you are a woman who has secretly been harboring unrequited romantic leanings towards me, you have reached something of a fork in the road here.

If you want to rid yourself forever of these tortured unrequited feelings, then looking will absolutely do the trick.

If, however, you find that fantasizing about me gives your life a sense of meaning it had never known before, and you are holding out hope for the 1 in 10,000 chance, nay, 1 in 1,000,000 chance the lesion will ultimately (as the doctor predicts) heal, then do NOT look at these pictures, for the night bell once rung can not be unrung, and Jim's Groin Disaster, Rated XM for Mature Medical, shall surely haunt you all the days of your life, and more!

Final warning.

Do not look.

The armamentarium now includes antibiotic ointment and antibiotic pills and bandaids to keep the poultice in place. The cortisone and antifungal cremes are no longer being used. The Wolverine Spirit God continues to be an important part of the incantations I speak when delirious.

Male patient, 57, wearing an item of garmentry sometimes referred to as "panties" by his women friends but which he himself calls the Hog Sheathe

Patient's suspected Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever lesion displayed beside an anatomically stylized locator graphic that keeps this photo from being erotic and instead renders it XM-rated for Mature Medical viewing only.

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  1. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    It looks to me like a very lonely hemorrhoid that has wandered off the reservation. Which may be because your trip to Idaho inspired said hemorrhoid to read up on Lewis and Clarke and then light off for the territories as huck Finn might put it!
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    I thought hemorrhoids pooched out. This is clearly an invagination of tissues.

    BTW, my friend Jay, a leading urologist in Detroit, thinks I may be the victim of a spider bite.
  3. jim thornton's Avatar
    Anybody want to buy a slightly used B70?
  4. billwhite's Avatar
    Nice one.
    Updated October 16th, 2009 at 04:09 PM by billwhite
  5. billwhite's Avatar
    Hahaha. You forgot to add a disclaimer to your picture: Note - diagram not scaled to actual size
  6. The Fortress's Avatar
    The hog sheath doesn't look FINA legal to me ...
  7. fanstone's Avatar
    Being your age I would have thought you would have been circumsized as was the way it went in the 50s. Or you also have a tick bite to your gland...if you shave will you shave both sides, so as to look good?
  8. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    I hope it's not a spider bite, cos there's only one treatment for that
  9. jim thornton's Avatar
    I shudder to ask.

    But what is the one treatment for that?

    Does it involve transurethral insertion of a hornet to catch the spider who swallowed a fly?

    Wait a second. I just realized you are talking Australian medicine here.

    We Americans, with the best of all possible health systems in the best of all possible worlds, simply sneer at that!
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Billy, when you are in grave danger of losing your left leg, symmetry in the nether regions underbrush is the last of your concerns.
  11. jim thornton's Avatar
    That's Capital Hog Sheathe to you, little missie! Maybe, when I lose the left leg, I can somehow train myself to walk on the right one and the center one.

    I will probably limp a little.
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Bill, thanks again for your idea to draw the structural locator so that I could post this picture without fear of censure.

    As for drawing to scale, are you saying that I shouldn't have miniaturized things? I didn't want to distract from the real star of this vlog, my new vulva.
  13. jim thornton's Avatar
    Show of hands:

    How many of you actually hit CTRL + several times in a row so as to get a better look at the lesion?

    Probably no need.

    I took my first antibiotic, annointed the area with antibiotic goo, and then fell asleep on the couch. I just woke up, and though I am afraid to lift the bandaid to see the changes, I am almost certain the cavity has trebled in size.

    What starts in a joke--bravado to stave off the Reaper--may still end in the grandest funeral celebration American adult swimming has ever seen.

    Should someone start looking for stadiums?
  14. poolraat's Avatar
    The wolverine spirit god is probably where the vermin that bit you was (is) hiding.
  15. jim thornton's Avatar
    You may be right, Floyd. I suppose it was a mistake to use the larger canine to scratch the wound with. I will stop doing that now.

    Off to practice.

    Something tells me I am going to have a lane to myself.

    If not the pool.
  16. billwhite's Avatar
    So now that you have become a co-gender a la Caster Semenya, will you be competing in the male or female division?
  17. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    Jim can do a mixed relay all by him/herself!!!
  18. ensignada's Avatar
    Oh God, Jim, that looks nasty.

    On the bright side, at least nothing's started hatching from it yet.
  19. jim thornton's Avatar
    As my friend Bill will testify, the bubo has now developed striations that are stretching like fingerlings up into my abdominal regions.

    I have begun to feel very frail. Can I survive the winter?

    Stay posted.

    Esnignada: perhaps the spawn will hatch over night and profuse throughout our region like puff fluffs with nasty little teeth.
  20. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    does anyone know how to zoom in using a Mac?
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