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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton


Rating: 9 votes, 3.67 average.
The beautiful blonde dermatologist replied, when I began to tell her the history of my lesion and the possible (but ever more remote) chance that it came from the Wilderness, "Oh, I read about you in the paper."

Then she took her swab and rubbed the lesion so pitilessly I thought for sure I would swoon.

She took a hypodermic needle and injected me with some sort of anesthetic, which apparently works first as a pain magnifier.

I can't remember for certain, but I thought I heard her say, "Little prick, just for a moment."

When I came to, she had removed from her bag of Jeremy Irons-inspired surgical devices an implement she described as a cookie punch.

A minute later, a bit of Jimby dough had been removed and placed into some sort of biohazard bag with a mailing label. Here it joined with the swab samples.

She closed the wound with a single stitch.

The beautiful blonde dermatologist sans merci told me I could put my pants back on.

In a week, I shall know my fate, but it is looking increasingly like S.L.

She did not use this acronym exactly, but it was written in her beautifully green and merciless eyes: sexual leprosy, picked up from God knows where.

God most likely had very little to do with it.

You can search the dermatology pictures high and low and not find another picture that exactly resembles this one.

In one week, I shall return to learn my diagnosis.

I suspect this will be obvious in much less than a week.

Little or not, I am waiting for it to drop off, confirming what we all suspect.

The last picture I will likely post of my lesion, unless, that is, there is a hue and cry of begging for more.

Unlikely, I know. A graph of my recent vlog visits resembles the stock market last year.

If indeed it does fall off, perhaps there will be a slight bump as I apply to swim in the gender category we all know is where I belong.

Tis the end of Jimby the kind of man; and the birth of something a tad more monstrous and in need of warning the children about, as in "don't stare at that poor thing, kids--it can't help it, what it's become--it is merely paying the price for hope over reason."

The next time you think you see good in your fellow apes, remember this and think again!

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  1. qbrain's Avatar

    I know of an experimental procedure that involves a sharpened ice cream scoop in a darkened back alley. Are you interested in the research doctors number, or do you want to wait on this skin girl to get back to you?

    I believe this guy is released, I mean, available next Thursday. He works late at night, so it won't interrupt your normally tight schedule.
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    Will god forgive my if I have it...scooped out?

    Send number.
  3. mermaid's Avatar
    upon reflection, do you think you should have listened to me when I said, "I think it's a bad idea to take an open wound into the YMCA Pool (warm water et. al,) and YMCA Hot Tub (turbidity was milky white at best)". perhaps what started as a small skin irritation has turned into something far worse????
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    yes, upon reflection, I should have learned the lessons of the Mermaid!

    Someone appears to have given me a 1* rating for this vlog. This terrible, when averaged against my 5* excellent, ends up providing a rating of 3* or "average".

  5. The Fortress's Avatar
    I think back alley abortions and Sl are extremely unlikely ... Jimby, you are just not as wild as you would like us all to believe.

    I'm glad you had a hot doc to fantasize about since it appears this occupies a great deal of your time . :-P Now, avoid ambien so your fantasies are not erased by amnesia.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Good advice, Leslie. As always, you remain il miglior fabbro of the swim blogging community.

    The dermatologist was actually quite something, I must say. It's possible she experiments with her various cosmetic techniques on herself during the off hours. She looked 20 but may well have been old enough to be my grandmother.
  7. Bobinator's Avatar
    It looks better than the last photo did.
    I think you're on the mend.
  8. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    Yep my stars brought it up to 4, a fair to middling rating. Kind of ok.
  9. jim thornton's Avatar
    Thanks, Kangaroo that dips her feet!

    Bobinator, I am hoping you are right. Perhaps one day, all this will turn out to have been a colossal exercise in hypochondriacal overkill.

    But like Charles Darwin himself, confined to his home by hypochondria, I shall throw myself into my labors, and hope to accomplish something with what remains of my days!
  10. mj_mcgrath's Avatar
    "il miglior fabbro". So Mr. Thorton, are you the T.S. Eliot to the Fortress Ezra Pound (female phenotype, of course)?

    Did Ezra have you in mind when he wrote "Meditatio"?

    When I carefully consider the curious habits of dogs
    I am compelled to conclude
    That man is the superior animal.

    When I consider the curious habits of man
    I confess, my friend, I am puzzled.

    I am puzzled, my friend. --mjm
    Updated October 28th, 2009 at 10:37 AM by mj_mcgrath (redundancy)
  11. billwhite's Avatar
    mj - If you are comparing Jim's behavior to that of dogs you might have something there...He is a kindly type and most likable (and he probably would also gladly sniff and hump the leg of most willing young fertile bitches).

    Jim - Think Bob Marley:
    "Don't worry about a thing,
    'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
    Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
    'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Bill, my sniffing days are, alas, at an end. Nothing to do now but thankless toil and forge onwards to Ragnarok, where I hope to earn the right to be slaughtered in the afterlife but on the side of the good Gods, not the Frost Giants who are, of course, predestined to win.

    But why am I belaboring the obvious, my good friend?

    I shall think of Bob Marley who Bobinator pointed out died of melanoma that started under a toenail.

    MJM: puzzlement and perplexity are our lot in life. Another great poet: Christopher Smart, referenced here in an earlier vlog--the end of his most famous poem:

    For God has blessed him in the variety of his movements.

    For, tho he cannot fly, he is an excellent clamberer.

    For his motions upon the face of the earth are more than any other quadruped.

    For he can tread to all the measures upon the music.

    For he can swim for life.

    For he can creep.

    It is noteworthy that the Latin for creep has been appropriated to name just one of the many viri I dread.
  13. Water Rat's Avatar
    Jim, you're doc wasn't possibly Dr. Stephen was she? She's a good friend of my wife's. If so, then by the transitive property, Susan has swabbed your nether regions as well. Don't worry, I'm certain they won't laugh about it at book club tonight over too many glasses of wine and pita chips. Kristen NEVER talks about her patients unless they are truly exceptional.
  14. jim thornton's Avatar

    I must admit that when I wrote this slightly fictionalized version of my doctor's appointment, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that the beautiful blonde dermatologist sans merci might inadvertently stumble upon it.

    There are a few inaccuracies.

    For instance, I am not sure that my legion extract was actually put into a biohazzard bag with mailing label already affixed.

    It's possible that the label would be affixed later.

    This is the sort of thing with which I took artistic license, and I would be mortified if Dr. S actually read my vlog, became intrigued by me, and became some sort of erotomaniacal stalker.

    Please, god, don't let the beautiful blonde dermatologist start erotically stalking me!

    Could you specifically instruct your wife on this wish of mine?
  15. billwhite's Avatar
    Mark - you mean never talks about the patients unless the wine is exceptional? Perhaps Susan will have to splurge. And if so, before she meets up with the good Dr., get a little frisky with her and plant a bug so we can all hear the gossip.
  16. jim thornton's Avatar
    I don't think planting a bug will work. As I understand it, Dr. S. is an expert at removing planted, or implanted, bugs.

    At least I hope this is the case.

    Am I a bad human being?

    Maybe I should rephrase this.

    How bad a human being am I?
  17. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Not bad at all. Good in fact. Quite good.
  18. jim thornton's Avatar
    Mr. Scupperton, you are too kind. Too kind by a goodly amount.
  19. rodent's Avatar
    Don't worry Jim, you're gonna be ok, "Only the good die young"!
  20. jim thornton's Avatar
    Thanks, Jack.