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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Jury Deliberations

Rating: 7 votes, 4.43 average.
Last week, inspired by Leslie's relentless evangelism for weight training, I began my first tentative steps at countering the considerable sarcopenia of aging that has made me something of a pariah in my nursing home.

We shall see if this form of exercise eventually makes the attendants less resentful of my frailties.

I also Googled "advice on swimming with X" wherein X was a long list of possible bubo diagnoses (scabies, shingles, tertiary syphilis, molluscum contagiosum, punishment by God, hysterical pregnancy, character defect, brown recluse infestation, MRSA, groin flu, etc.) If the first medical site Google referred me to said to NOT swim with X, I would check for a second opinion at the next referred site. Then a third, fourth, and in a few cases fifth site.

Eventually, I found some doctor, somewhere, or at least a homeopathic herbal snake oil sales person, to say that, yes, indeed, it was perfectly safe to swim with X.

I should add that never once did I have to go to an entirely new page of referred sites before finding a satisfactorily contrarian expert to sanction my return to the water.

Anyhow, bolstered by science, I weight lifted at the Y then returned to the water on Friday and swam Bill's (as always) excellent practice. The main set here consisted of repeated 400 swim, 200 kick combos, wherein one of the 100s in each were sprints. Total with warm up and cool down was 2800.

Yesterday, I swam another 2800 on my own--a nicely meditative nonstop set where you take a kickboard and pull buoy and just go 25 by 25, alternating kick, swim, pull, the right implement always awaiting you when its turn comes, for about 50 minutes or so.

Quick aside on weight lifting. I'd learned from a brutally painful example in my youth to start off with fairly low weights and work your way up over the course of a week or two. Otherwise, you will find yourself unable to scratch your nose, the DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness) will be so severe two days later. I'd been Nautilusing for about a week, and had stuck to the gradual increase plan--except for one machine. The reason I accidentally overdid it on this one was because it was new to my circuit, and I honestly didn't know how much was too much.

The machine is that one that targets the abductor and adductor inner thigh muscles. Usually, you see women using this machine a lot, which seems to me to be primarily a super Kegal exerciser. A female friend at the Y today told me as much, confiding that the distaff nickname for this machine is "he loves me, he loves me not."

Anyhow, with my new and apparently permanent lesion, I figured maybe it was time for me as well to tone up the musculature surrounding my still unclosed groin opening. This was a mistake.

Today, 2 hours of tennis, more weightlifting, and now a very sore knee from one of the torture devices. I can already hear the snickers from my attendants at the nursing home, their eyeballs becoming stuck in the tops their orbital sockets.

Bastards!

In any event, regular readers of this vlog may have noticed that the past bit of time has had certain elements of stressfulness for your narrator. Today's drawing is my attempt to bring the inner synaptic world to life in visual form.

Biopsy results: T minus 38 1/2 hours. Depending on the verdict, I will reveal the diagnosis either here--or behind the shuttered door of the confessional chamber.

In terms of today's outsider art, I am aware there are certain deficiencies in my technique. However, there are also certain deficiencies in the medium in general, and these are not my fault. I am technologically unable to add an element that could really push this drawing over the edge for even the most picky of amateur art critics.

If I could add one other sensory input to this proxy for my mental state, that other sensory input being the olfactory one, it would be one of those far northern flowers, which grow in the tundra where no bees fly, and thus must depend upon a different kind of insect for pollination, and thus have evolved the floral scent of rotting meat to bring in the fly swarms: this, then, would be the olfactory input I would chose--a field of these meat-scarlet flowers in full humid summer bloom.

Breathe in deep with your mind's nose, I beseech you! And we shall await as one the biopsy results.


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  1. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    You need to find a king/kingdom to support your talents as a court jester...good luck on your lesions...may they be everything you thought they could be.
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    Kurt, where have you been when I needed free medical advice??? Your death doctor colleague, Heather, contributed her thoughts, but where was my life doctor Kurt to look at the ever evolving lesion pix to offer his thoughts? What, do I have to come out the Arizona and accost you at a cocktail party in order to get free medical advice?

    Lordy.

    On another note, I note that I have a 4 star rating for this vlog.

    When the mouse hovers over the star rating icon, it says "4 ratings for a 4.0 average."

    The only mathematically possible way to get this is if the 4 ratings total 16 stars.

    I know for certain that one of the ratings was 5 stars. I cannot tell you how I know this for certain, but trust me, the source in unimpeachable.

    Well, maybe impeachable, but I definitely believe me, uhh, I mean, the source.

    So that means we have 3 other ratings that must total 11.

    A 4 + 4 + 3 would do this.

    As would a 5 + 3 +3.

    However, I am almost certain that the real combination we are looking for is a 5 + 5 + 1.

    Who is giving my humble vlog 1 ratings!!!!

    Who hates me????

    According to the ledger, 1 star is reserved for Terrible.

    Terrible?

    Terrible???

    What fiend has looked into my heart and seen terrible?
  3. tjrpatt's Avatar
    can't wait for the "Growing the va-ge-ge" episode on your new show! Lifetime, send that pilot to NBC before they go bankrupt with their stupid Jay Leno show every night.
  4. qbrain's Avatar
    If you thought long and hard about how high some people with the last name ***** could count, you would probably guess both who and why you are getting that 1 star rating.

    Think of it as someone who is very proud of you, but just can't quite grasp the star rating system. Too complicated.

    You art work is improving. I am printing the latest out and hanging it on my fridge.
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    If you thought long and hard about how high some people with the last name ***** could count, you would probably guess both who and why you are getting that 1 star rating.

    Think of it as someone who is very proud of you, but just can't quite grasp the star rating system. Too complicated.
    Mr. Quinn, ye of 5 lettered last name, your genius at enigma baffles and confuses me!

    Who could possibly be proud of me other than, well, me...and my identical twin brother?

    We have to be proud of me.

    Unless it is possible to rate anonymously...actually, it is possible to rate anonymously, because I have occasionally, well, heard of someone doing this....anyhow, leaving out that possibility, the 1-star "terrible" giver must be from this list of suspects.

    Where is Agatha Christie when we need her, Mr. Hercule Quinn?


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  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Okay, well, the tontine list did not appear. But when people start dying, it's not my fault!

    It may, however, be the lesion's fault, depending on diagnosis.
  7. Bobinator's Avatar
    I like your swimmer! That's how I looked today in the 400 free after doing the 1500 and a couple of sprint events.
    Why are you dissing the Lifetime "men-hater" channel? There is some exceptional, self rightous viewing on that channel; I love it!
    Anyways...it sounds like the lesion has calmed down and your life is getting back to normal. I AM HAPPY FOR YOU FOR THAT!
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    Why are you dissing the Lifetime "men-hater" channel? There is some exceptional, self rightous viewing on that channel; I love it!
    It reminds me of a Saturday Night Live thing where one of the female characters had written a best seller: Her Good, Him Bad.
  9. tjrpatt's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    I like your swimmer! That's how I looked today in the 400 free after doing the 1500 and a couple of sprint events.
    Why are you dissing the Lifetime "men-hater" channel? !
    This is also a "men-hater" channel on satellite radio. It is called the Oprah Radio Channel!!!!!
  10. Bobinator's Avatar
    I always listen to Doctor Radio channel 114. Try that one, they even have a men's health show! (they love men)
    I agree, Oprah stuff is obnoxious!
  11. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Lifetime...I come home and my daughters have that sh@! on the tv...it drives me crazy. I had to cure my wife of that network a few years back. Nothing really like watching a made for tv movie where the wife gets the crap pounded out of her...truly great entertainment.

    As a side note, that is truly a nasty case of folliculitis...really need to stop shaving your junk for a while.

    love ya man...
  12. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Superb cartooning! You may be the James Thurber of USMS!!!
  13. The Fortress's Avatar
    Let's just be clear that I did in no way instruct you to use said girly inner thigh jiggle corrector machine. Don't waste your time on that crap. Head right over to the leg extension machine instead.

    Nice illustration of the brain condition though.
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    I tried the leg extension machine, Leslie, but it said that I had to be in traction, under very heavy weights, for 48 hours before I could expect even 1 mm of additional leg length.

    So of course, I did what many guys in my situation do.

    And I am now in a urological intensive care unit.
  15. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    As a side note, that is truly a nasty case of folliculitis...really need to stop shaving your junk for a while.
    Dr. Dickson! The shaving of the left anterior pubis was after the infection/bite/character defect/what-have-you became full blown.

    That doesn't sound right.

    But anyhow, the folliculitis, if indeed there is any, is secondary, perhaps even tertiary, to the original and still idiopathic insult.

    Idiopathic is that word you guys use for "of unknown origin", right. Or is it ischemic?

    Idiopathic and ischemic, but depilated for better QuickCapture by my web camera for the enlightment of my viewership, whom I now realize are all closet Lifetime addicts.

    I will tweak the vlog accordingly.
  16. jim thornton's Avatar
    One final note before retiring on this first Non Daylight Savings Time night.

    In terms of tweaking my vlog to the sensibilities of the Lifetime viewers, I think I will play around a little with the plot line raffishly handsome Dr. Kirk Dixson, D.O., suggested. (Kurt, I edited your idea slightly just for length.)

    The title of my made for Lifetime Channel Movie:

    First, Do Harm: The Dr. Kirkus Duckson Story

    (Obviously, I think we know who the villain is as soon as we hear "raffish" and "doctor" in tight juxtaposition. But the audience will watch to see how his terrorized wife and daughters finally put an end to his tormenting abuse...)

    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    Lifetime...I come home and my daughters drive me crazy. I had to cure my wife of that a few years back. Nothing like where the wife gets the crap pounded out of her...truly great entertainment.
  17. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Looks like localized purpura and if your platelets and basic labs are normal, you will probably live to produce another crappy vlog.

    idiopathic does sound better than "I do not know what the hell that is but you really ought to see somebody (else) about that"
  18. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    One final note before retiring on this first Non Daylight Savings Time night.

    In terms of tweaking my vlog to the sensibilities of the Lifetime viewers, I think I will play around a little with the plot line raffishly handsome Dr. Kirk Dixson, D.O., suggested. (Kurt, I edited your idea slightly just for length.)

    The title of my made for Lifetime Channel Movie:

    First, Do Harm: The Dr. Kirkus Duckson Story

    (Obviously, I think we know who the villain is as soon as we hear "raffish" and "doctor" in tight juxtaposition. But the audience will watch to see how his terrorized wife and daughters finally put an end to his tormenting abuse...)
    can't wait
  19. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Kurt Dickson
    Looks like localized purpura and if your platelets and basic labs are normal, you will probably live
    "The elucidation of purpura chaseth away sleep."

    --The Bible

    "Meningococcemia is a life-threatening infection that occurs when the bacteria, Neisseria meningitidis, invades the blood stream. Bleeding into the skin (petechiae and purpura) typically occurs and the tissue may die (become necrotic or gangrenous). If the patient survives, the areas heal with scarring."

    --The Internet
  20. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    yes this is the good news because if you have not died yet, the less common and less serious causes of purpura become more likely. Just given the fact that you actually saw a dermatologist increases your chance of living 10 fold because they don't do emergencies. Yes it is time to shout hallelulahs to the sky as Jimby is going to live...so live dammit...live.
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