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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Red Letter Day...So far

Rating: 5 votes, 5.00 average.
I returned to the office of the beautiful blonde dermatologist sans merci and was escorted into her parlor by a brunette nurse. The nurse instructed me to remove my pants and underwear, the elastic in the latter of which she could not fail to see was exhausted. She gave me a paper drape with which to cover myself and then she briefly left the room, leaving my unguarded medical chart on the formica table.

As soon as she was gone, I bounded over and looked at the results:

Results negative for herpes simplex 1 and 2 and herpes zoster.

Then the nurse reappeared, and I said, "So I don't have sexual leprosy?"

And she said, "I don't know, I haven't looked at the test results yet. The doctor will be in to go over these in a minute."

Despite this waffling, my heart was doing somersaults. The lesion was still idiopathic!

The nurse snipped the stitch and pulled it out and left.

A few minutes later, the beautiful blonde dermatologist knocked once and entered. Perhaps it is projection on my part, but she seemed to have found in the one week interlude a portion of merci for wretched minions like me.

Wretched, albeit not incurably venereal, minions.

She smiled and said the tests for herpes and shingles were negative.

There is a certain obsessiveness in me that likes to narrow things down to the 10 to the minus 12th power of certainty.

"So," I said, in hopes of clarification, "you are saying I don't have sexual leprosy?"

She smiled again and said, "Leprosy was never one of the suspects." But then, perhaps having some familiarity with patients like me, she added, "You DON'T have sexual leprosy."

So much for the swab test results.

Unfortunately, however, the pathology lab results (cookie cutter biopsy) had not yet come back. The beautiful blonde dermatologist, who now seemed to kind of like me, promised to call my cell phone as soon as these did come in.

I asked her if groin cancer had now emerged as the next likeliest suspect.

"I don't think malignancy is very likely, given how suddenly the lesion appeared," she said. "Malignancies usually take a long time to develop."

More likely agents, she thought, were some sort of fungus, bite, poison plant, or other cause of the inflammatory process. It could still theoretically be another form of bacteria, but that's unlikely given the fact that I already went through antibiotic treatment without benefits.

I told her that the area, which is clearly healing, still itched like crazy. She asked if the steroid creme she gave me free samples of was helping. I told her I stopped using it because it didn't seem to be making any difference, and she replied that it can take up to a week for that to work. She recommended I resume auto-anointment (my phrase, not hers).

She said whatever it was, it wasn't contagious anymore (if it had ever been), and that it was okay to resume swimming. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I had already done that.

In any event, this whole episode has resulted in collateral damage of multiple stripes to the innocent. I will dedicate myself to making whatever amends are possible--and take the ongoing maddening itch in the spirit of much deserved punishment and penance for my sins.

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  1. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    I like the idea of an as yet undiscovered disease. then it gets named after you, doesn't it?
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    James Groin Necrosis? Bad Person Jim Disorder? Scumsucker Syndrome, Thornton Subvariant?
  3. billwhite's Avatar
    Is that a festering Jimby lesion? EWWWW!
  4. billwhite's Avatar
    Also, is a Red Letter day good or bad? I ask because the context you put this in makes it seem good. From my very shallow pool of knowledge I recall that if you were a 18th century adulterer a red letter day might be considered "bad". What is the 21st century take on the red letter day?
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    A Okay!
  6. jaegermeister's Avatar
    I've been in and out this week. Glad the initial results were reassuring, even though the purgatorial process continues. You of course realize that we physicians might often resort to "We don't know what the hell is going on" delivered with professional panache.
    Though you feel maybe you're being punished for something, I've not known that the skin, even in the groin, is the window to the soul. I'm happy that the beautiful blonde agrees with me that visually, non-histologically, fungus is at or near the top of the list of possibilities. I doubt you rubbed poison ivy or oak in your inner thighs.
  7. billwhite's Avatar
    Jim - since you used medication to assist in sleeping in the wilderness did you consider that you may have unknowingly attempted sexual intercourse with a toxic spider or insect of some sort unfortunately confusing it with a perhaps more desirable specimen while you were in a state of medicated stupor? Let's just say that the sensation you may have had yet not remember was no orgasm rather a little bugger fighting for its life!
  8. mermaid's Avatar
    Bill -

    Tom -
    Good to see you're still around!

    Jimby -
    I'm delighted to know that when we swim together in the future, I have no reason to fear contamination of the biological kind.
  9. jim thornton's Avatar
    I suppose in the dark, and stupefied by Sonata, it is possible to confuse this with something else:

  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    As for you, dearest little Mermaid, you have nothing to fear from the likes of me vis a vis any form of corruption. I have been cauterized by life's vicissitudes:

    In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.1 Corinthians 15:52
  11. billwhite's Avatar
    I declare you blameless Jim - that is one hot arachnid!
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    I take your absolution, Bill. You'd have to be a eunuch priest to turn away from that Little Miss Muppet's considerable charms! I almost wish I hadn't snapped the photograph. It just makes me miss that spider somethin' fierce.
  13. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    Mermaid, wear a femi-don next time you swim, for protection
    oh yeah I'm coming to your next meet! I'll get a pack of 'em
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    What exactly is a femi-don? Should I be wearing one too? Do they help you swim faster AND repel spiders?
  15. billwhite's Avatar
    Make it a "family size" pack as Mermaid might need three (or more) femi-dons at once to protect all orifices from possible contagion - you know, just to be thoroughly protected.
  16. jim thornton's Avatar
    Oh, who am I trying to kid?

    I miss spiders something awful.
  17. billwhite's Avatar
    The hairy tarantula kind or the more sleek looking ones?
  18. jim thornton's Avatar
    The ones that eat their men so that the product of their love--i.e., the imminent hatchlings--will have a leg up (actually, 8 legs up) on survival. I like those little spunky females best.

    Thanks for asking!
  19. billwhite's Avatar
    So the sleek it.
  20. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jaegermeister
    Glad the initial results were reassuring, even though the purgatorial process continues. You of course realize that we physicians might often resort to "We don't know what the hell is going on" delivered with professional panache.
    Though you feel maybe you're being punished for something, I've not known that the skin, even in the groin, is the window to the soul.
    Tom, it is wonderful to have you back, albeit episodically, on our little forum site. Do you know about the inaugural USMS meet in Pittsburgh in December? Don't you have some medical conference you could attend at UPMC that weekend that would provide an excuse to revisit our area?

    I would truly appreciate your professional review and assistance in a screenplay I am working on for possible sale to Lifetime: The Channel for Man-Haters. The movie is about a cold-blooded ER doctor that murders his family because, ironically enough, they watch Lifetime: The Channel for Man-Haters too much for his tastes.

    First: Do Harm--The Dr. Kirtus Duckson Story is a completely fictitious work of art based almost exactly on the life of Dr. Kirk Dickson, MD, a great masters swimmer and family man (well, he used to be a great family man before, well, you know, the "incident.")

    Anyhow, I would love your help in ensuring the accuracy of the drugs, trochars, inflexible catheters, medicinal earwigs, and other interventions the pitiless Duckson uses over the course of the 120 minutes extravaganza of misogeny. (I am planning to film, and market separately, an ending to the film where Duckson is caught and handed over to an island of Saphites with hedge trimmers. My hope is that Lifetime's viewers of First: Do Harm--The Kirtus Duckson Story will be so whipped up into a frenzy of hatred by his misdeeds that the TV ending--a short message that says Duckson was caught and sentenced to prison--will be SO unsatisfying that they will pay big bucks for the comeuppance DVD, sold separately, at $49.95 plus shipping and handling, credit cards accepted!)
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