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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Requiem for a Spider

Rating: 4 votes, 4.00 average.
Preliminary biopsy-of-lesion results in, and it looks like I tentatively can cross at least a couple dire items off the list.

The beautiful blonde dermatologist called today to explain the findings.

There was, for instance, evidence of bacteria on the surface of the lesion, though this is hardly unexpected since wounds tend to attract bacteria. We jointly decided these bacteria were most likely of the ex-post-facto opportunistic variety, as opposed to the causative sort--almost like scavenging low-level criminals that stumble upon a murder victim and rob his corpse blind but do not bear responsibility for the homocide itself.

The pathologist did want to run some additional stains for tuberculosis (which I did not think caused skin lesions, but that is why I remain a fake doctor) and syphilis (which an earlier test, the VDRL, or venereal disease research lab test, had already provided a clean bill of health--"not bloody likely they will find syphilis in a fine young man like you," said the beautiful blonde dermatologist, maybe in slightly different ways. "Why, then," I replied, "would they test for syphilis is so fine a young man like me who has already passed, with flying colors, both his VDRL and holy water drip tests [wherein a drop of holy water is placed upon the manhood, causing a horrible burning sensation in sinners]?" She replied, "They found evidence that your plasma cells were clustered, and whenever they see this, they just run a syphilis test. But you don't have to worry.")

Other tests also seemed to indicate that my underlying skin cells were of normal configuration, no suggestion of malignancy, in other words.

At this point, the BBD said that something to do with my relatively normal level of eosinophils also indicated that the culprit was probably not fungi of one sort or another.

There was some other reason why poison plants--oak, sumac, ivy, and maybe the deadly pyretheum daisy--were also ruled out, maybe eosophinils or clustered plasma cells, to be honest, I was starting to get confused.

At which point, the BBD said, "More and more, it's looking like a bite is the most likely thing."

What form of bite is hard to say, though spiders appear near the top of the list. Alas, there is no way to test for spider venom at this point. If it was a bite, then my body seems to have reacted pretty violently to it.

I told her that when I was in the Amazon jungle, I got a bite from something on my ankle bone. It never hurt or itched but took months to heal. I went into the jungle just as the Bush-Gore recount was beginning, and came out ten days later with the recount not yet decided.

I still have a mark from that bite: my jungle tattoo.

Perhaps the groin lesion, which is healing over but still itches and causes weird sensitivity to broad swaths of the surround thigh and buttocks skin, will one day be a fondly remembered River of No Return tattoo.

I have been vlogging about my lesion for so long now that it will be hard to give the topic up. But it is time to move on.

So please permit one last glorious celebration of this chapter in the life of Jim.

Unless something drastic occurs, I will do my best to speak of this never more. If you need ongoing help with your diet, or implosion therapy for arachnophobia, this little slide show will always be there for you even as I move on to life's next round of fresh disasters.

[ame=""]YouTube- Requiem for a spider bite[/ame]

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  1. bsherm81's Avatar
    Come to think of it, that does look like spider bites I have had.
    How boring is that?? Probably no more dull than the 1650 I am doing this Saturday. 65 long turns and relax!
  2. qbrain's Avatar
    I am glad the spider didn't eat your ****. You can survive with one leg.
  3. mermaid's Avatar
    as if the 1650 is punishment?
    swimming with jimby risking my health, limbs and precious being . . .
    bsherm81: Puullleeeaazzzzeeeeee
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    According to the doctor, it's unlikely that I was ever contagious! No mermaids were ever at risk, nor were any harmed in the making of this film.

    But now that I think about it, is it possible I was bitten by some sort of aquatic creature? Or stabbed? An urchin's needle? A manatee's whisker? A whelk's spike? A nyad's barb?

    Perhaps even a sylph's lash?
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    I am glad the spider didn't eat your ****.
    I'm not sure what you are suggesting here.

    If I had carnal knowledge with an arachnid under the influence of Sonata, it was certainly traditional procreative love making. Even when in the throes of delerious sleep sex, I am no sodomite!

    Ask just about anyone: There is nothing perverse about Jimby!
  6. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    If you think Jim looked bad, you shoulda seen the spider.
  7. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    The ole brown recluse to the groin trick...nice.

    Good thing that didn't necrose your junk. Nothing gets a guy's attention more than that. You can tell a patient they are going to go blind, lose limbs, die; but it is only when you tell them that they could be junkless, that they pay attention.

    Now take your junk and be's a brand new day, Jimby.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    Time to strut my junk?

    You heard it, girls!

    One of the nation's premier ER doctors and masters swimmers has prescribed junk strutting for me as a health measure.

    Please sign my dance card here:

    Jim Thornton's Junk Strutting Dance Card:
    and so forth...

    Note: Please do NOT sign up for seconds until the first 400 get an initial helping.
  9. Bobinator's Avatar
    I love the spidey-pug!
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Wasn't he cute? He looked baffled to have all those additional legs, didn't he?
  11. bsherm81's Avatar
    1650 isn't punishment...its boring. 400 IM is at least interesting, and 200 fly its allure, open water its various ways of communing with the world, but the dang mile is just flat dull. 20:12 of impersonating a metronome!

    Glad I did it.
  12. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    I can't stop looking at that thumb shot. What IS that?