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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Craigslist Posting

Rating: 4 votes, 5.00 average.
pittsburgh craigslist > for sale / wanted > business opportunities

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1952 Vintage Brand Magazine Writer Identity: Jim Thornton ™

Date: 2010-01-08, 9:08PM EST
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

Four time National Magazine Award Nominee and One-Time NMA Winner Jim Thornton™ is now seeking the best reasonable offer for his brand.

Jim Thornton™ is a nationally respected magazine journalist/brand who/that several tens of people have heard of.

Jim Thornton, the man/hollowed-out husk, (not to be confused with Jim Thornton™, the still robust brand), has, unfortunately, reached a point of linguistic befuddlement where he can no longer execute the demands that come with maintaining the Jim Thornton™ brand.

Despite this, husk Jim Thornton continues to receive assignments and tries his best to execute these. In the past several years, both his wall and skull have come close to complete ruin due to the nearly continuous banging of the two together.

Freelancers, current staff writers, or even aspiring writers interested in purchasing the Jim Thornton ™ brand can look forward to actual assignments. Do not worry that any talent whatsoever will be required once you assume the Jim Thornton ™ brand identity. Jim has spent years lowering his standards and throwing hissy fits with those editors who hire him and demand quality.

At this point, even the slightest ability to put simple sentences together with the occasional period, question mark, or exclamation point in the general vicinity of the end of word chains should be more than sufficient to guarantee any Jim Thornton™ brand-assumer work and kill fees for weeks, maybe even a month, to come.

In the event no reasonable offers are forthcoming, Jim Thornton is also willing to sell his brain to researchers with grants to conduct fMRI scans 24/7 -- or is it 24/8? – on the Swiss cheese yogurt concoction of synaptical mush inside his skullcap.

  • Location: Blackburn Rd Sewickley
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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Payment can be made by any of the following: Western Union, Moneygram, wire transfer, cashier check, money order, shipping, escrow, or promise of transaction protection/certification/guarantee.

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  1. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    What do they call it when the thing actually contradicts itself? Like "military intelligence" or "bankers' ethics"? That's right, OXYMORON.
    Dr. Jimmy, this vlog is as close to a perfect example as I have ever seen.
    No one who could have written this could possibly have the sentiments regarding mental decline/writer's block actually apply to himself.
    No sir, not since Jonathan Swift has a satirist of your magnificence been seen in the literary world!
    Now to post my Moneygram...
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    Thanks, Rusty, but your kindness is just that.

    Husk Jim is looking for some way to affix his rasper organ on the teat of Society, and thereupon remain wedded and sucking till his fellow countrymen decide enough is enough, not one more cent of my tax money will go to support this...this...thing.

    And when they cast me out onto the street, and pull the plugs from my collapsing veins and withered esophagus, I only pray that my brothers and sisters who kept Terry Schiavo alive with their good will shall do the same for the likes of brain dead me!
  3. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Well, I don't think I could afford all of you. Can we purchase parts or rent you for children's parties or something?
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    Parts are available for rent. But any Cletuses that result are not my responsibility, so you will not be able to get our of your obligations to the pioneer widows quite so easily, Dr. Dickson.

    Actually, I am sure you COULD afford to buy the brand. I am at the point where I am willing to let it go for anyone who will simply assume my debts.
  5. bsherm81's Avatar
    What about renting/subleasing the brand for the occasional moments of my own literary lucidity? Then I could stay clear of compliance officers/idiots who want to probe every cavity of my communicative life! Seriously, we have to conduct this negotiation before Dr Kurt gets his hooks on you.

    As usual, thanks for a blog that offers something else besides workout intervals.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Bill, thank you for thanking me!

    Do you think it is too late for me to change careers and go back to school to learn how to become a compliance idiot?

    I feel this might be my calling.
  7. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Leave my pioneer widows alone before I go medieval on your buttocks.

    What are your much you owe on that '92 chevy malibu?

    I don't think you are nearly fastidious enough nor do you have the stamina to be a compliance idiot. I think you also need to sacrifice your frontal lobe (in the form of a lobotomy) to perform such work.
  8. jim thornton's Avatar
    I don't know, Dr. Dickson. Lobotomy is universally abhorred in today's modern world. But is such abhorrence just?

    From my layman's understanding of the procedure, a knitting needle is more or less painlessly inserted through the nostril and into the brain pan. A knowledgable lobotomist probes around, jabbing and thrusting and withdrawing and jabbing and thrusting and withdrawing some more, until at last he finds just the spot and JABS AND THRUSTS in a frenzy. Only when this frenzy subsides does he withdraw, and out comes a little pinkish yogurty morsel of corpus callosum and/or amgdala and/or a wonderful bouillabaise of them both.

    That is how the lobotomist knows he's hit his mark.

    That and the inability of his patient--who would weep with gratitude if only I could--to feel anything whatsover ever again in his no longer miserable life!

    Why on earth would such a procedure be universally thought of as an abomination?

    When did our world go mad, Dr. Dickson?
  9. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Two things:
    Who said lobotomies are an abomination? I think the general population could benefit from the procedure. Although, come to think of it, one need only turn to the lovely Jessica Lange playing Frances Farmer and a line of young sailors in an insane asylum waiting to get a crack at the lobotomized Frances to turn you off of that procedure (at least for Hollywood starlets).

    You need to lay off the spice channel for awhile.
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Good advice, Dr. D!


    less spice channel
    get lobotomy
    do not become a young seaman
    leave Jessica alone

    With only a wee bit of imagination, I think we can all see how this is excellent advice not only for me, but for swimming...and for life itself.