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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Did He Who Made the Lamb Make Thee?

Rating: 4 votes, 4.00 average.
31 Comments
by
jim thornton
, January 13th, 2010 at 09:52 PM (2809 Views)
I would like to extend a hearty welcome to my new and potentially vast vlog viewing readership.

A quick survey of my some of my earlier posts might give you the wrong idea about my Nature.

This is a "Kodacolor Print made by the Eastman Kodak Company TM Regis U.S. Pat. Off" of me (or possibly my identical twin brother John, neither of us is completely sure) from "the week ending July 28, 1956."

I (or possibly John) am not quite yet 4 years old.

I don't think I know how to swim yet.

Our mother is of the overprotective school of mothering, as evidenced by the double layer of sink-proof garmentry she has outfitted me (or John) with.

Thank god I never got upended in the Semple's swimming pool, because I don't think I could have righted myself again with this collection of anti-drowning apparatus on.

Note my shoes. Note, in the very distant background, the presence of a golfer. I am pretty sure the background is the 6th hole of the Allegheny Country Club.

Not only was my mother overprotective, but she managed to instill in me a fashion sense and love-hate relationship with the ungraspable Good Life that lasts to this very day.

In any event--and I apologize for going on so long here--no matter what heinousness I may be capable of today, and sadly it appears I am capable of a lot, know that somewhere in the exhausted elastic of my crepe-like skin there still resides this little lad, this little well-protected drowning-proofed bundle of innocence, this cute little dodgie of the Post War and Pre War eras: a smidgen of him still lives!

Now that I think about it, this probably is John.

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  1. The Fortress's Avatar
    Where's the "sister"?
  2. jim thornton's Avatar
    Where's the bra?

    Lizie wasn't born yet!
  3. The Fortress's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Where's the bra?

    Lizie wasn't born yet!
    Quick cleared me with an "its fine," so I'm going topless despite Geek's apparent protestations.

    Does Lizzie live in Pittsburgh?

    That is definitely John. Wearing girl sandals.
  4. quicksilver's Avatar
    Somehow there might be repressed memories of the need to be swaddled whilst you swim.

    That photo explains your love of the wild...your reluctance to give up wearing your Blue-70...and the desire to quit shaving.
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Leslie, whichever one of us this is, the other one is wearing the exact same outfit!
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quick! My desire to be swaddled pretty much 24/7 is hardly repressed!

    Leslie, it's Lizie, one Z--her real official name is Liza--and she lives about 1.5 miles away from where I do.

    In the hierarcy of Thorntons, Lizie is the No. 1., John is No. 2, and I am the Black Sheep, bah, bah, three bags full (two of them evident under my eyes.)
  7. Bobinator's Avatar
    Such a little cutie!!
    I have a 1st grade student who looks exactly like your photo. The really wierd thing is that he has a twin sister!
  8. Jaskeg's Avatar
    are you sure thats swimming gear or was that the precursor to todays helmets?
  9. qbrain's Avatar
    And people make fun of my Uggs?
  10. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    Such a little cutie!!
    I have a 1st grade student who looks exactly like your photo. The really wierd thing is that he has a twin sister!
    John and I went through a quasi transgendered period--judging from the shoes I have on, it's possible this picture was taken in the midst of this period. We called each other Susie and Sally. I can't remember which of us was which.

    Eventually, we emerged with masculinity robustly in tact. We dropped the Susie and Sally business and called each other the same thing: Other Man. It was like some odd anthropological evolutionary process.

    Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny in the womb; perhaps in the early years after birth, the cultural evolution of the young white male Protestant Episcopalian recapitulates the history of mankind's ascent from tribal paganism to full-blown exact image of God incarnate.

    Such has been the case with John and me, at least.
  11. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    And people make fun of my Uggs?
    I don't make fun of your Uggs. I didn't know you had any.

    Now that I know, however.

    I can't get the image of a girlishly mukluked Qbrain out of my tortured mind.
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Jaskeg
    are you sure thats swimming gear or was that the precursor to todays helmets?
    I would like to officially welcome Jaskeg to the ranks of Vlog commentators.

    Jaskeg, otherwise known as James Kegley, is famous for a number of reasons. Two immediately jump to mind:

    1) he is one of the most legendary distance freestylers of all time, the multiple winner of the Chesapeake Bay swim for seemingly decades

    2) even more impressively, he is a professional photographer of the highest rank. This is not the idle glad handing of a toady. I can prove it.

    Nearly a decade ago, Modern Maturity magazine hired me to try out this stuff called Androgel, which replaced low testosterone. Mine wasn't technically abnormal, but it was on the bottom cusp of normal. So I smeared Androgel into my shoulder for a month, then went to my first ever USMS meet, LCM nationals in Baltimore.

    James was assigned by the magazine to take my photo for the article.

    And here is proof of his genius: he made me look muscular.

    Those who have seen me in the flesh know that in terms of musculature, the only difference between me now and me in the Kodachrome print at age 3 3/4 is that my weakness is now concealed by flab.

    Despite this, James was able to produce the following testimony to his genius and the lying powers of cameras:

  13. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    We were definitely pretty lucky to have grown up in the Mad Men years. Nancy thinks that this might be me but you never can tell for sure. Do you think that the incredible array of safety features may have given us fragile youngsters just a smidgeon of "Dangerous World Syndrome"? A syndrome that I have spent years of immersing myself in reading the philosophy of Epictetus totry to work my way out of.
  14. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    Do you think that the incredible array of safety features may have given us fragile youngsters just a smidgeon of "Dangerous World Syndrome"?
    I am certain of it.

    Many's the day that I fear to venture outside without first encasing myself in bubble wrap.

    Paper or plastic?

    Three of both, just to be safe!
  15. quicksilver's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    We were definitely pretty lucky to have grown up in the Mad Men years. Nancy thinks that this might be me but you never can tell for sure. Do you think that the incredible array of safety features may have given us fragile youngsters just a smidgeon of "Dangerous World Syndrome"? A syndrome that I have spent years of immersing myself in reading the philosophy of Epictetus to try to work my way out of.
    I still recall the elementary school days when our teacher would have us crouch in a kneeling fetal position under our wooden desks...to protect us from 'the bomb'!

    Please someone tell me this wasn't just a Catholic school thing.
  16. poolraat's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by quicksilver
    I still recall the elementary school days when our teacher would have us crouch in a kneeling fetal position under our wooden desks...to protect us from 'the bomb'!

    Please someone tell me this wasn't just a Catholic school thing.
    We did that here too. I always wondered how the desk was going to protect me.
  17. swimsuit addict's Avatar
    Wow--you've got the TIGER reference, you've got a PHOTO TAKEN NEAR GOLF COURSE with a visible GOLFER--you really are going after those google hits, aren't you?

    Seriously, that is one truly adorable picture!
  18. quicksilver's Avatar
    Thanks Floyd. I'm relieved to hear that.

    Our desks were made of solid oak. Just like the yard sticks which were used to modify our behavior. Ah yes, the good old days.
  19. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by swimsuit addict
    Wow--you've got the TIGER reference, you've got a PHOTO TAKEN NEAR GOLF COURSE with a visible GOLFER--you really are going after those google hits, aren't you?

    Seriously, that is one truly adorable picture!
    Not as adorable as your avatar, Buttercup!

    Actually, both John and I secretly suspect the picture was of John.

    As the ugly twin, I spend most of my childhood in the attic where polite Society didn't have to be exposed to me.

    It was okay.

    I had plenty of time up there to hone my sling blade.
  20. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Even in my bourgeois neighborhood, a kid would have been murdered for wearing a pair of shoes like that....how did you make it out alive (especially given you were trying to run with a tire around your waist and those completely gay shoes).

    BTW I saw sling blade in the ER today.

    Please slather some of that androgel on that picture.
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