Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 30

Thread: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

  1. #1
    Very Active Member FlyQueen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,449
    Blog Entries
    100

    A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Laurie Kilmartin's look at all 4 strokes ... though with all the breaststroke vs. fly vs. free vs back (anyone but Donna?) talk I should post this one again ... it's great!!



    An Unbiased Analysis of the Four Strokes
    This piece is an objective look at the four strokes as seen through the eyes of a breaststroker. The reviews of the strokes themselves are presented in no particular order.



    FREESTYLE

    Oh yes, let us begin with the aquatic F-word, freestyle. Truly a dull and unimaginative stroke. Left arm, right arm, left kick, right kick. We detect a pattern here. What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of repetition? Clomp, clomp, clomp. Freestyle is an elephant's stroke, all apologies to elephants. It is a stroke for people who stop at yellow lights and excel at algebra. Informal polling has led us to conclude that, to a person, freestylers prefer Windows to Macintosh, Kenny G to Miles Davis and day to night. Coaches wanting to see eyes literally bug out of sockets need only move a freestyler to the breaststroke lane. Yes, Virginia, there is more to life than catch-up drills and flutter kick.

    Breaststroker's recommendation: Use this stroke for warmups only.



    BACKSTROKE

    We have many questions to ask of the world's backstrokers. First, what is the matter with you? That's right, you heard us. What is your problem? Do you not realize that you are upside down? Does light not shine in your sinister eyes? Are you reptiles with a second pair of eyelids, opaque in nature, that protect you from the sun's rays? Speaking of eyes, what about the ones in the backs of your heads, allowing you to spot the wall? Is it true that you can see through Speedos? And what of your start...crouched in front of the blocks as if praying to your "god." Who sent you to Earth? What have you done with Elvis? And why, when you grab at our private parts in practice, do you pretend that it is an accident?

    Breaststroker's recommendation: Skip this one altogether; it is wholly unnatural.



    BUTTERFLY

    Good Lord. When will this most violent of strokes be committed to an insane asylum? With a recovery that emphasizes arms oustretched and hurling dangerously through the air, we wonder how many more breaststrokers have to be smacked across the face by an errant flier's paw before this experiment gone awry is canceled. Butterfly is a bad seed, borne out of breaststroke and mistakenly given its own place in the medley relay. The loud uncle of swimming, butterfly boorishly hogs the remote control, making all the other strokes watch football on Thanksgiving Day. We cannot help but think that witnessing butterfly is like babysitting a spoiled child who constantly screams, "look at me!"

    Enough, butterfliers, enough. It's time to grow up. You are making a scene. You are hereby grounded to your room, where you shall consume copious amounts of Ritalin and think about the turbulent waves your savage dolphin kicking has caused decent, hardworking breaststrokers.

    Breaststroker's recommendation: Swim only if you want to scare little kids out of your lane.



    BREASTSTROKE

    Breaststroke is all that is noble and good in this cruel world. Many deities, including God, Allah, and John F Kennedy Jr, enjoy the solitude of this most subtle of strokes. Unlike its neanderthal brethren, breaststroke has refined tastes. It reads the New Yorker and paints abtracts with oil. It hates both Demi Moore movies and the first half and last fourth of the IM. Breaststroke, we suspect, enjoys a martini now and again. (Contrast this with the alcoholic butterfly, which pounds Budweisers from cans, shoplifted from a 7-11). It soothes the inner beast and acts as a gentle tonic on a troubled heart. In fact, whenever we use our upgrade coupons to fly first class, just thinking about breaststroke drowns out the moaning of the rabble back in coach.

    Breaststroke, you see, is in harmony with the universe; its pull and kick chase one another in playful symmetry. And if that weren't enough, breaststroke also boasts the crown jewel of competitive swimming, the pulldown. Comprised of a long sinewy pull followed by a spry frog kick, the pulldown is a holy moment of shrouded watery silence. Breaststrokers go to chapel during the pulldown, (often giving thanks that they are not backstrokers), and break to the surface only when their brave lungs are nearly burst. We have yet to see the fishkick or streamline that invokes such spiritual repose. Breaststroke is Yin and Yang, Rum and Coke, and the Captain and Tennille. Man does not go to breaststroke, man waits for breaststroke to come to him. Amen, brothers and sisters.

    Breaststroker's recommendation: Join us.
    "I don't race to see who is the fastest, I race to see who has the most guts."

  2. #2
    sprint diva The Fortress's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Posts
    8,108
    Blog Entries
    2132

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyQueen View Post
    FREESTYLE

    Oh yes, let us begin with the aquatic F-word, freestyle. Truly a dull and unimaginative stroke. Left arm, right arm, left kick, right kick. We detect a pattern here. What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of repetition?
    As a distance free hater, this was my personal favorite!

  3. #3
    Very Active Member FlyQueen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,449
    Blog Entries
    100

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    I have several favorites, including Yes, Virginia, there is more to life than catch-up drills and flutter kick.


    and


    Contrast this with the alcoholic butterfly, which pounds Budweisers from cans, shoplifted from a 7-11
    "I don't race to see who is the fastest, I race to see who has the most guts."

  4. #4
    Very Active Member ~Wren~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    The Land of 10,000 Lakes
    Posts
    134

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Speaking of eyes, what about the ones in the backs of your heads, allowing you to spot the wall?
    Nope, not eyes. Actually after awhile you develop a bump on the back of your head (from crashing it in to the gutter) that acts as a sensor.

    BUTTERFLY - I have to say, this is dead on for the flyers on my HS team. They were a bit scary (I only swam it for IMs, so they didn't consider me a real flyer).

    BREASTSTROKE
    Breaststroke is Yin and Yang, Rum and Coke, and the Captain and Tennille.
    That to me, seems like a reason to not swim breaststroke.
    having a hard time getting, and staying, motivated

  5. #5
    Very Active Member Allen Stark's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Mulino,OR
    Posts
    4,575

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    I have read it before ,but it is divinely inspired,although I think it is a little hard on fly.
    "To strive,to seek,to find,and not to yield" Tennyson
    Allen

  6. #6
    CreamPuff
    Guest

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Awesome! I loved this! Thanks for posting.

    Right on with the fly. Swum well or poorly, it scares many out of your lane period.

  7. #7
    Very Fetching Rump SwimStud's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Out East...in the pool
    Posts
    5,309
    Blog Entries
    429

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyQueen View Post

    Breaststroke...hates...Demi Moore movies...
    OK I think I may have a caveat here. I mean GI Jane was AWESOME. The push-up on the chairs scene (if any female swimmers here can do those I'll pay to witness this--send PM LOL).
    OK letching over with.
    That post was hilarious...but as they say. It's only funny because we all know it's true.


    Thinking of new forum name Froggy or something.



    .

  8. #8
    Very Active Member islandsox's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Roatan, Honduras
    Posts
    1,158

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by FlyQueen View Post

    FREESTYLE

    What kind of person finds intellectual stimulation in this sort of repetition? Clomp, clomp, clomp.

    BACKSTROKE

    We have many questions to ask of the world's backstrokers. First, what is the matter with you? That's right, you heard us. What is your problem? Do you not realize that you are upside down?
    Breaststroker's recommendation: Skip this one altogether; it is wholly unnatural.
    Well, . I find no intellectual stimulation whatsoever in swimming distance free because I do not incorporate anything mindful whatsoever. My IQ during my distance free equals that of about my stroke rate which is low, so therefore, there can never be anything intellectual happening. This would probably be a good time for sometime to do brain surgery on me because nothing is happening upstairs whatsoever.

    And I thought everyone knew that us former backstrokers, and those who still venture with this stroke, find pleasure, intrigue, and challenge of swimming belly up and backwards. At least this stroke is by far and away the most challenging since we can't see where we are going.

    Donna

  9. #9
    Very Active Member ~Wren~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    The Land of 10,000 Lakes
    Posts
    134

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by islandsox View Post
    Well, . I find no intellectual stimulation whatsoever in swimming distance free because I do not incorporate anything mindful whatsoever. My IQ during my distance free equals that of about my stroke rate which is low, so therefore, there can never be anything intellectual happening. This would probably be a good time for sometime to do brain surgery on me because nothing is happening upstairs whatsoever.

    And I thought everyone knew that us former backstrokers, and those who still venture with this stroke, find pleasure, intrigue, and challenge of swimming belly up and backwards. At least this stroke is by far and away the most challenging since we can't see where we are going.

    Donna
    Personally, I find backstroke scenery less boring too - at least you can see something other than the stripe on the bottom of the pool. Our community center hangs seasonal banners from the ceiling - no backstroke flags, but you'll always know what season it is. Also, what's the point of putting cool patterns on the front of suits if you're always face down? Unless you've got a wayward scuba guy hanging out in your pool, no one gets to see it once you start swimming.
    having a hard time getting, and staying, motivated

  10. #10
    Back is faster than Fly poolraat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Newe Sogobia (Elko, NV)
    Posts
    1,451
    Blog Entries
    1120

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    One has to wonder, though, if backstrokers are very smart.
    Think about it; We're swimming on our back, real fast,
    towards a concrete wall.

  11. #11
    Very Active Member scyfreestyler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    California
    Posts
    3,409

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    LOL!

    I posted that here a year or two ago but it's good to throw out again once in a while. Good find. As I recall she has some pool reviews from the places she has gone in her travels. Of course, the pool reviews closely resemble the literary style of her stroke commentary.

  12. #12
    Very Active Member Caped Crusader's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Posts
    427

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by poolraat View Post
    One has to wonder, though, if backstrokers are very smart.
    Think about it; We're swimming on our back, real fast,
    towards a concrete wall.
    Exactly. So if you were really smart and could do algebra, you'd be a freestyler.

  13. #13
    Very Fetching Rump SwimStud's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    Out East...in the pool
    Posts
    5,309
    Blog Entries
    429

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by Caped Crusader View Post
    Exactly. So if you were really smart and could do algebra, you'd be a freestyler.
    But where do you put your pocket protector when you swim?



    .

  14. #14
    Very Active Member ~Wren~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    The Land of 10,000 Lakes
    Posts
    134

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by poolraat View Post
    One has to wonder, though, if backstrokers are very smart.
    Think about it; We're swimming on our back, real fast,
    towards a concrete wall.
    Yeah, but more often than not, there's someone loitering at the end of the lane to run in to instead. . .

    Quote Originally Posted by Caped Crusader View Post
    Exactly. So if you were really smart and could do algebra, you'd be a freestyler.
    I was smart - could do algebra even - but after yards and yards of incredibly boring FS, I got stupid and no longer have any clue what x or y equal. FS is the reason I invested in a waterproof mp3.
    having a hard time getting, and staying, motivated

  15. #15
    Very Active Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Posts
    378
    Blog Entries
    18

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    As a flyer, all I can say is LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOOOOK! Now let's finish our beers and beat up the breaststrokers!

  16. #16
    Very Active Member chaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    hudson valley, ny
    Posts
    1,738
    Blog Entries
    155

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    [QUOTE=FlyQueen;72885]


    BUTTERFLY

    Swim only if you want to scare little kids out of your lane.
    QUOTE]

    isn't that reason enough?

  17. #17
    Active Member Backman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Gotham City
    Posts
    31

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    I sense a bit of backstroke envy here.
    On the next top!...

  18. #18
    Very Active Member Leonard Jansen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Elizabethtown, PA
    Posts
    1,243

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    HA!
    Breaststroke is the stroke of little old ladies that don't want to get their hair wet and people who are sociopathic cheaters. The rules for breaststroke are as long and coherent as the translated instructions for assembling a cheap toy made in China. ("Do not violate happy integrity of toy with making driver of screws wrong motion. Much bad smiling child.") There are pictures of Chairman Mao doing the breaststroke as well.

    Butterfly is the stroke for middle children. Those children lost in the shuffle of family life and desperately seeking attention and approval. Best to give it to them or they will probably become mimes or take up performing as clowns at kids birthday parties. Most serial killers are failed flyers.

    Backstroke - The call-girl of swimming strokes: The only time in sport you can get rewarded for being on your back.

    Freestyle/crawl - Speed. Grace. Fluidity. Virility. Nirvana.

    -LBJ

  19. #19
    Very Active Member FlyQueen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Chicago, IL
    Posts
    1,449
    Blog Entries
    100

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Actually I agree with the flyer assessment AND I think it's the stroke of youngest children, all my flyer friends are the babies of the family. I think the breaststrokers would be the middle child ...

    Phelps, Crocker, and Sandeno are all the youngest (I think) in their families ...
    "I don't race to see who is the fastest, I race to see who has the most guts."

  20. #20
    Very Active Member chaos's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Location
    hudson valley, ny
    Posts
    1,738
    Blog Entries
    155

    Re: A "unbiased" look at all 4 strokes by Laurie Kilmartin

    Quote Originally Posted by Leonard Jansen View Post
    Most serial killers are failed flyers.
    LBJ
    i wonder if i could do a round trip to elizabethtown and be back before dawn...noone would know a thing

    middle child: guilty as charged

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •