Blog Comments

  1. jim thornton's Avatar
    Dear Mo Fo, Rusty, and Bob,

    Thanks once more for your ongoing support of my efforts here. My secret dream for decades now has been to become one of those beloved fake doctors who insinuates himself into a hidden nook in Appalachia and treats his patients with dignity and aspirin, occasionally using a speculum on some of the teens, but that's not really a big part of it. After toiling away and reaping the gratitude of my bumpkin flock, I am discovered to have been a fraud the whole time, not only not a doctor of medicine, but not even a bachelor of science!

    At my trial, the angry patients swarm, wielding rakes and torches and pitch forks.

    I am crestfallen.

    Then I realize it is not I that has provoked their wrath, but rather the authorities who hope to take me away!

    "Dr. Jimbo," they cry as one, "was the best healer we ever done did have! You Washington bastards leave us be! Don't you **** wid us!"

    Eventually a plea bargain is reached. I do no jail time. But I must surrender my passport and my speculum.

    "No problem, Dr. Jimbo," the buxon teen Holler-dwellers later tell me. "You don't need no speculum to check us out!"

    Which brings us to Bob's request for medical advice for her insomnia. If you simply free your mind to go where it wants to, regardless of the boundaries its peregrinations might cross over, you will find you need no sleep at all, because life itsself becomes and endless reverie and escape.
  2. Bobinator's Avatar
    Dr. Jim, I just wanted you to know you have become my source, or "go to person" in regards to any/ all the latest cutting edge medical breakthrough information. I am happy to know I could get something as complicated as a kidney removal with little to no downtime! Keep me posted on anything that in your professional opinion would enhance the life of a 53 yr. old insomniac female.
    respectfully, bob
  3. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Your passionate interest in helping young ladies' with kidney problems does not seem "creepery" to me at all. Rather it seems compassionate. Deeply so!
  4. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    ...really call me whatever. My more friendly patients in the ER just call me M.F'er or sometimes Dr. M.F'er as a show of respect.
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    Chicken of the Sea: Thank you very much for your kindness and in depth commentary. I have helped many a young woman uncross her legs over the years, and I would be happy to give you a discount on my best selling vanity press eBook, "Spread Em, Baby! Yeah, That's Right" (Thornton Chronicle Books, 1992, with second, third, fourth, and fifth editions forthcoming; $29.99).

    Feminist scholar Camille Paglia raves about "Spread Em, Baby! Yeah, That's Right," in the March, 1997 Brazil edition of the magazine, Ipiniman She-Bitch, "Jim Thornton combines practical advice with a caring temperament and, frankly, an almost absurdly obsessive interest in gynecology to help women everywhere relax enough to, well, spread em, baby! Kudos Mr. Thornton!"

    As for Kurt Dickson, who obviously did not go to evil medical school to be called Mr. Kurt Dickson, thank you very much, a fellow traveler in the land of dysthymia and weltshmerz and perhaps a snifter of scahdenfreudy spelling misanthropy thrown in, a kindred soul, in other words, I am ashamed that the sparky synapses in my fast-atrophying brain assigned to "Kurt" and "Kirt" and "Mr." and "Dr." and "Dixson" and "Dickson" and "Duxon" and "Duckson" respectively can JUST NOT KEEP YOUR NAME STRAIGHT!

    This has plagued me much of my life. When I was a 5th grade teacher, I was forever calling a diminuitive genius named Devon the name Regan, which belonged to lumpkinesque dolt; and vice versa. I could not keep their names straight despite their complete lack of resemblance in any way.

    I will resort to a pneumonic device.

    Kurt, not Kirt, because u always comes before i in my book! No egomaniac here!

    Dickson not Dixson because, well, all of us sons do, frankly, come from dicks. What's more, Dix, as in Dorothea Dix, is the patron saint of mental patients, and anybody who reads my vlog regularly has the wherewithal to avoid in patient status despite whatever symptoms threaten to overwhelm us.

    Finally, Dr. not Mr., because, as indicated above, and reinforced by your own quotation of Dr. Evil, you did not go to evil medical school to be called Mr., thank you very much.
    Updated February 5th, 2009 at 12:14 AM by jim thornton
  6. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    These women of whom you speak are gnats on your car windshield as you race down a Pennsylvania interstate...keep your eye on the prize man (?groundbreaking vlogging). I believe you have "the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament" (Dr. Evil). Keep up the strong work--I would let you take out my kidney through my abundant urethra any time.

    BTW: Do you refer to me as Dixon cuz you don't believe anybody has Dick (as in Dickson) in their name or is it something else?
  7. Chicken of the Sea's Avatar
    Very informative! Now I have to try to uncross my legs.....
  8. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    Time is a river, and a violent stream...and this world is a meat grinder. Stay in Pittburgh, my dysthymia has not improved in the sunshine.
  9. The Fortress's Avatar
    I think we need to take up a fund to get you out of the dank gray clouded envelope that is Pittsburgh in the winter into sunnier climes. Also, better literature might help.
  10. Bobinator's Avatar
    Oh my gosh....I am sitting here in my gym office waiting for my 3rd graders to arrive; it's early and I am (was) feeling a little grouchy. You crack me up Jim! I started laughing and 3 different students/teachers came walking in to see what was so funny. I think I am going to have a great day now....a little early morning laughing really helps!
    Oh, and it is a little amazing people do get paid BIG BUCKS to remove kidneys from people; I guess it's just how you look at it(who you're look'in at) and what methodology or instrument you use. Jim, you may have an earth shattering medical breakthrough here!!! comes Wednesday #1 of 13 down the hall. byebye
  11. onefish's Avatar
    Just buttering you up so you won't want to chase me down like the lion and the doomed wildabeest on our next head-to-head 200 free. Almost happened before....

  12. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    What a mix of the heroic and the macabre! A feast for the emotional senses. Time to shovel out from last night's blizzard.
  13. jim thornton's Avatar
    Mr. Onefish, your kindness has rallied me from my dysthymic lethargy. I shall stay up to vlog tonight!
  14. onefish's Avatar
    With our man Phelps publicly pilloried yet again, who could not wonder about dimensional inversities between intelligence, perception and performance among the famous. I think it's the price you have to pay, Jim, for true greatness. A friend once stated that a person should act their shoe size, not their age.

    Congratulations on your fantastic times in an oxygen-free environment, very fast.

    I look forward to your vlogs, but I try to keep that a secret. Laughing out loud at work in these times attracts too much attention.
  15. jim thornton's Avatar
    Thanks, Q. If I can rally my forces and free myself from the binding tendrils of lethargy and dysthymia, I shall attempt to vlog about the inverse relationship between my speed (such as it is) and endurance (such as it isn't), speculating on the reasons why such as personal moral character strength (such as it absolutely has never been).
  16. qbrain's Avatar
    I hate to say it Jim, but I think your swimming is more inspirational than your pustules.

    Very nice meet.
  17. jim thornton's Avatar
    Yes, Bobinator! I am happy. I would celebrate in Punxatawny, but there is enough to celebrate right here in Pittsburgh, the hub of the known universe!

    Crave away, Iwannafly! By the way, I think you will have a blast in Germany. The cake is very good there, from what I hear.

    Practice tonight was exhausting, but I made it (more or less--switched the 5 x 200 from 2:30 to 2:40, but kept the rest the same.) My 3 x 100 on 1:45 were all 1:03s. If I could just hold this pace for a 1650 or 1 hour postal swim!
  18. Bobinator's Avatar
    A good meet in bad conditions has to make you a little happy!
    You should celebrate today in Punxatawney! (not sure if I spelled that quite right)


  19. Iwannafly's Avatar
    Crave, crave, crave! I don't know, I'm just making stuff up! Nice times for a sicko (or great times for a T.J.)!
  20. jim thornton's Avatar
    Golf ball sized! That's exactly how large I hope my soy-diet-induced breast buds will become!