Blog Comments

  1. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    If those girdle like suits hadn't been banned, all of this would be unnecessary!

    I suspect you are joking, but there is more than a little truth in what you say, Rusty.

    I think I first started taking my abdominability seriously when I had to look at it looking back at me from the starting block crouch...
  2. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    If those girdle like suits hadn't been banned, all of this would be unnecessary!
  3. jim thornton's Avatar
    Jelly donuts...
  4. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Sorry, I have to go drain my mouth of saliva.
  5. jim thornton's Avatar
    My good man, Michael, and I were just practicing the conversational arts on Facebook.

    We decided that now, more than ever, we really want a picture of Evilwatersprite's handicap, i.e., grotesquely inviting cleavage.

    Evilwatersprite, I know that women can sometimes be a little self-conscious about these things, so we invite you to post only a partial picture.

    A frontal clavical to naval shot, without any other identifying characteristics, would be fine with us.

    More than fine, actually.

    So much more than fine...

    Sorry, I have to go drain my mouth of saliva.
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    Finally, I understand the reference!

    Alison evidently meant Cheerios, not Apple Jacks, to use as pasties in my new suit design for women.

    Everybody knows that Apple Jacks become soggy in milk too quickly!
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Michael, you are referring to a vlog entry of mine with Views 1904 Comments 132?

    Are you suggesting that somewhere in the 132 comments is an explanation of the Apple Jacks joke?

    Good lord, man!

    I have no time to rummage through the past!

    My days are numbered. I must devote myself entirely to rummaging through the present and future.
  8. bzaks1424's Avatar
  9. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    How can someone so young be so very, very, very wise about women?
    I was nary a woman in a former life - rather I was a psychopath. This is how I can relate so well to women.
  10. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Could a candy striper in the readership please explain this joke to me?
    Jim - you may want to start here, in your very own blog
  11. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by bzaks1424
    Honestly Jim - its because women are pretty much insane. Their uncontrollable hormonal urges actually drive them into a bucket of ice cream because in their time of emotional distress - they lose all rationality. Don't forget - upon consuming such a massive amount of ice cream - those very same women begin to curse the very scale they set their feet on and then proceed to purge, workout or starve themselves until they either A) reach a point where their will breaks or health breaks down to a point where they can no longer continue, or B) reach a point where they're finally happy with the number they see on their scale (regardless of health condition as a result of getting there). Since B) never actually happens, see A) for details.
    How can someone so young be so very, very, very wise about women?

    It is almost as if you were a woman in a former incarnation, Michaela!

    And because of this, I know your sisters will not take offense!

    I certainly don't.

    --Jimima
  12. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by swimshark
    So we have our Apple Jacks model?
    As many of you know, I recently graduated into the swimming demographic known by gerontologists as "frail elderly with fat and Alzheimer's Jr. prominent."

    As a consequence, I do not always "get" jokes.

    An example of a joke that I don't "get" is this one about Apple Jacks, which I have a slight (though perhaps faulty) memory of being a breakfast cereal that is on the British flag.

    Could a candy striper in the readership please explain this joke to me?

    Oh, and I am ready for my warm water high colonic, too. Maybe you, miss candystriper No. 1, could bring a friend?
  13. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Michael, I was thinking about the heartbreak diet earlier, and it occurred to me that men, much more so than women, tend to eat less when their gonads have been mashed into pabulum by the fairer sex.
    The fairer sex, on the other hand, is legendary for buying tubs of Haagen Dazs and the like and drowning their romatical sorrows in butterfat.

    Why is that, do you think?
    Honestly Jim - its because women are pretty much insane. Their uncontrollable hormonal urges actually drive them into a bucket of ice cream because in their time of emotional distress - they lose all rationality. Don't forget - upon consuming such a massive amount of ice cream - those very same women begin to curse the very scale they set their feet on and then proceed to purge, workout or starve themselves until they either A) reach a point where their will breaks or health breaks down to a point where they can no longer continue, or B) reach a point where they're finally happy with the number they see on their scale (regardless of health condition as a result of getting there). Since B) never actually happens, see A) for details.
  14. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by swimshark
    So we have our Apple Jacks model?
    And +1 goes to Alison for the day!
  15. swimshark's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by evilwatersprite
    Will your spa rid me of my cleavage so I no longer look like the Dolly Parton of the swim team?
    So we have our Apple Jacks model?
  16. jim thornton's Avatar
    [quote=bzaks1424;bt47209]You know - someone I know always used to tell a joke about Dolly Parton -
    Why is Dolly Parton so skinny? Things don't grow well in the shade[/quote}
    That being said - I think you'll be hard pressed to get Jim to want to remove any amount of cleavage. Some things are just better left alone is the popular opinion.
    This is true, but not entirely true.

    As a founding member of The Society for the Outlawing of Chestal Implants in Floosies Due to the Mayhem They Can Cause, I do think that some cleavage is bad cleavage.

    Then again, the potential for weight-loss-inducing heartbreak might be reduced if the Society's mission is one day accomplished.

    I suppose it's all a downwards spiral at this point:

    Fatties like me want to lose weight to attract artificially buxom floosies, who then break our hearts, allowing us to shed lb. easily, and attract a new flock of artificially buxom floosies, who...

    But I still would like to see pictures, EvilWaterSprite.

    You sound like my kind of gal.
  17. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by evilwatersprite
    Will your spa rid me of my cleavage so I no longer look like the Dolly Parton of the swim team?
    I can't answer your question based solely on the data provided.

    You will have to provide pictures.
  18. ViveBene's Avatar
    Don't need no spa, huddling, horsehair blankets, u.s.w. Just stop buying food. Don't have it, won't eat it.
    And offer it up. That's always good. J died on the cross so you could eat Hagen Dazs (or however they spell their phony made-up name, the rights to which - phony made-up vaguely Nordic-sounding names as a class - they went to court to protect. And lost)? Should Sister Angelica whip you? The Church of No Reprieve is right around the corner from you!
  19. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by evilwatersprite
    Will your spa rid me of my cleavage so I no longer look like the Dolly Parton of the swim team?
    You know - someone I know always used to tell a joke about Dolly Parton -
    [quote]Why is Dolly Parton so skinny? Things don't grow well in the shade[/quote}
    That being said - I think you'll be hard pressed to get Jim to want to remove any amount of cleavage. Some things are just better left alone is the popular opinion.
  20. evilwatersprite's Avatar
    Will your spa rid me of my cleavage so I no longer look like the Dolly Parton of the swim team?