Blog Comments

  1. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by qbrain
    Jim, might I recommend an all you can eat food fest to aide your diet? All you can eat raw broccoli. Two large crowns a day should keep you away from slivers of ham.
    And keep you on the toilet for HOURS!
  2. qbrain's Avatar
    Jim, might I recommend an all you can eat food fest to aide your diet? All you can eat raw broccoli. Two large crowns a day should keep you away from slivers of ham.
  3. kuztoo's Avatar
    (TM) is another one of your classics... but don't hold your breath on a letter from Alfred Nobel... maybe Alfred E Neuman
  4. bzaks1424's Avatar
    I think this is a win!!! Jim - I suggest using massive quantities of duct tape. Perhaps if you put enough tape on, you'll never have to eat again. Thus living the life of the skinny man forever and ever!
  5. SwimmerGirlKT's Avatar
    Jim, the starve-gorge-guilt cycle is not new! Not to stereotype, but I think women struggle with this more than men do. (Ever hear women complain that men lose weight much more easily?) The whole scenario is funnier when you tell it, though...
  6. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Oh, I chopped off the Pounder (TM) long ago!

    No need carrying around dead weight.
    In which case - carry on good friend! I believe in you and your pioneering spirit!
  7. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by bzaks1424
    Oh absolutely! The changes in the body start on the outward and slowly work their way in. So your moobs will probably clear up before your actual gut does. Then your gut will clear up, then you should start eating a LOT again before the thinning process does anymore damage to your ... uh.... <cough>mhmm</cough>

    Oh, I chopped off the Pounder (TM) long ago!

    No need carrying around dead weight.
  8. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    So far, Michael, my diet has managed to take my Rafael Nadal-like arms and change them into Olsen twin wings.

    Am I right in assuming that once the arms slim down, the gut is sure to follow?
    Oh absolutely! The changes in the body start on the outward and slowly work their way in. So your moobs will probably clear up before your actual gut does. Then your gut will clear up, then you should start eating a LOT again before the thinning process does anymore damage to your ... uh.... <cough>mhmm</cough>
  9. jim thornton's Avatar


    Delicious as this looks, I have always had trouble eating victuals--from trout to monkey brains--where the chef makes the decision to leave its eyes in place.

    I just find this unnerving, as if the foodstuff is daring me to do what we both know is inevitable.
  10. jim thornton's Avatar


    So far, Michael, my diet has managed to take my Rafael Nadal-like arms and change them into Olsen twin wings.

    Am I right in assuming that once the arms slim down, the gut is sure to follow?

    Your brilliant suggestion to hate myself more reminded me of something I wrote--in gest!--back in the thin years: Jim's Melancholia Spa (TM).

    I think it may be time to break this out of the archives and republish as a vlog.
  11. Bobinator's Avatar
    Jimby you have given me too much credit!!!! I took the cinnamon encrusted warm delight + Starbucks and had it for breakfast instead of my normal blueberry concoction. I have had a great morning with the 3-5th graders so I don't think it hurt me in the least!!
    BTW--The "Bay of Pigs Head" sandwich looks okay, a little too complicated for me. I would much rather indulge in a huge deep-fried breaded tenderloin with lettuce, tomato, pickle, and a slathering of real mayo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  12. bzaks1424's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by swimshark
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    I was, as I suspect you know, making an oblique reference to a phrase that we will need yet another dictionary to explain, that being the Urban Dictionary:

    suck the chrome off a ball hitch

    a woman with such amazing blowjob skills that she could wrap her tongue around a ball hitch and suck the chrome off it.

    "so dude, how was it?"

    "man, it was amazing... she could suck the chrome off a ball hitch."

    Wow, where is Bzaks while all this is going on?
    Alison tell me - why is it as soon as things get sensual you start thinking about me? Seriously - I'm flattered!
  13. bzaks1424's Avatar
    I've had a revelation! There's on diet never tried! That's why I think this will work for you Jim! Its called the Greasy Spoon Diet!

    There's a restaurant in Pittsburg called Fat Heads over on Carson St. Apparently there they have an amazing sandwich known as the "Bay Of Pigs Headwich"


    You must consume at least 1 of these sandwiches a day.

    I think you might be able to be able to achieve your weight loss goal by merely shocking the body into a sudden "super metabolism" to deal with the constant intake of a such a glorious monstrosity.

    Besides - if you don't, then you just end up looking like this anyway:
  14. bzaks1424's Avatar
    So really - Jim - you want to lose weight? Stop all of this dieting nonsense! To be plainly simple diets do not work. Thinking like you're on a diet, acting like you're on a diet, and being a diet is an immediate set up for failure. If I may suggest, we instead look at how we can create Lifestyle Changes for you.
    If you're going to do this, then you might as well do it right! So I've invented Operation "Get Jim Thornton Back Into His Formerly Anorexic Shape ASAP" or GJTBIHFASASAP as I like to call it. You might want to take notes - this is serious stuff here:

    People need to eat to survive, but we often eat far too much. Take a look at the Olsen twins for example:

    They look they've only had a carrot in the last 3-4 weeks! This is the kind of thing that doesn't just come easily. So before you can honestly dive into eating properly, we have to alter the way the brain sees your body.

    Now - lets assume you hate yourself. Now I'm going to call you a liar. If you hated yourself, you'd probably already be either insanely skinny, or excessively fat. You also would never go out in public or sunlight. Take a look at these emo kids:

    Note they're covering much of their bodies either with war paint or with clothing (armor). They have true disdain for themselves and the world around them and that's exactly where we need to get you this is because if you hate yourself, you don't eat.

    So first - start to learn to TRULY hate yourself. Your standard means of just wishing you looked different are no longer enough in this day and age. You need to truly learn what it means to think "You suck. You are a bad, slow, pathetic worm of a swimmer. You have been deluding yourself for years thanks to those ridiculous body suits you have been wearing. You are not a swimmer at all. You are not even much of a body kayaker, but without your body kayak, it is a wonder you can swim at all.". You need to start living that, embodying that...

    Just remember - the less you weigh, the less body mass you have to pull through the water. That means you'll be able to swim faster. I will warn you that if you keep eating, you'll end up looking like this:


    So start hating yourself and dropping the weight fatty. Just remember - caloric deficit through self loathing works like a charm! You might also want to take up smoking.....
  15. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by kuztoo
    No ,I know I'm not unintentionally ensnared into this delusional belief.. I've known that I'm crazy long before reading your manifestos
    PS you need not wikipedia this for my benefit
    As a fellow Pittsburgher, your knowledge of the DSM-IV is, I know, beyond reproach. The Wiki link was for the benefit of my readers from good-natured but simple-minded Southern California.
  16. kuztoo's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    Thanks, John, but I fear I may have unintentionally ensnared you in a rare psychiatric disorder known as Folie deux:


    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Folie_%C3%A0_deux

    No ,I know I'm not unintentionally ensnared into this delusional belief.. I've known that I'm crazy long before reading your manifestos
    PS you need not wikipedia this for my benefit
  17. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Bobinator
    No blueberries and yogurt this morning at work!!
    A fellow "special's area" teacher delivered starbucks coffee and a large twisted donut drenched and encrusted in cinnamon sugar! It was still warm. Need I say more?
    Bob, I admire your strength! To take that warm, gooey, sugary, fat-laden exemplar of comfort food and flush it down the toilet without a single bite!

    I doubt I could have done this.

    Perhaps I could have placed it in the toilet, but then I would have wavered...plucked it back out, and eaten it in a mad frenzy of caloric orgiastic depravity!
  18. jim thornton's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by RustyScupperton
    Sadly, yur problem seems to be genetic as I too have a sizable cleavage in the lower gut area, especially when I bend over to grab a beer or get some ice cream.
    Your clone

    No ice cream or beer for me.

    I woke up feeling sort of nauseated and almost didn't eat anything for breakfast. But then I remembered that breakfast gets your basal metabolic rate stoked, and it is actually better for you to eat something, diet wise, than to skip (and make up for it later.)

    I should get www.byJimThornton.com up and running so that I can post my articles, like the health benefits of eating breakfast, so I can remind myself of what I once knew but have more or less forgotten the details of.
  19. Bobinator's Avatar
    No blueberries and yogurt this morning at work!!
    A fellow "special's area" teacher delivered starbucks coffee and a large twisted donut drenched and encrusted in cinnamon sugar! It was still warm. Need I say more?
  20. RustyScupperton's Avatar
    Sadly, yur problem seems to be genetic as I too have a sizable cleavage in the lower gut area, especially when I bend over to grab a beer or get some ice cream.
    Your clone