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Vlog the Inhaler, or The Occasional Video Blog Musings of Jim Thornton

Appalachia Risin' and Mermaid Done it!

Rating: 4 votes, 5.00 average.
You probably did done yersefs some readin' bout analog boob tubes here'n the hollers and how folks in these here parts cain't get no recepshun now the gubbmint done gone messed with the airwaves and all that?

Well, I ain't got no idea how she managed to git 'er done, but one of the loveliest little critters here in the cabbage patch o' AMAM finally done put us'n up to the Google and modern times.

Some youns may 'a heared of our little Mermaid, one time MIss Teen PA, but hailin' back then from the central part of the state where inbreedin's not quite so intense.

Let me post a couple photos here for your viewin' pleasure, courtesy of one fella out o' New York, who hired some other models who resemble our Mermaid quite a bit, though she is much too shy to appear here in person.

Land o' Goshin'! I done raced myself plumb outa my britches!

What the hell is that, Harlan? That don't look like no trout I e'er done saw!

Now don't you go an tell Daisy Mae why I'm a fishin' this crick all the time, Jr.

Unlike most of us in these here parts, who had the advantage of learnin' to swim in any neighborhood Amish mud hole or pig latrine, our little Mermaid is whatcha call an adult-onset swimmer. Hell, me and Billy boy, my coach, done taught her how to do a flip turn not more'n three years ago. At first, we just done it for sport, you know, cause she looked so cute sneezin' and snorflin' and such when her nose holes got all flooded up.But damn if the sweet young thing didn't take to the water like some kind of late-learnin' CremePuff or Fortress-style masters champ type prize-winnin' 4H quality swimmer. I suppose, comin' from the fancy pants East part of our state, York, the home of them peppermint patties and air conditioner units and all, where the girls get raised all sophisticated and lazy and like that, it just makes sense she's not the world's hardest workin' swimmer. I mean she does practice. A little here and there. In spurts and all. But damn that girl could be good iffn' she put her mind to it.

But then again, who needs a mind bein' put to it when you got yourself a siren call.

Leastways, that's what I'm a thinkin' to my dumb self when I get, like some kind of fireball bolt out of the dadgum blue yonder, word that Mermaid figgered out the Google and took our swimmin' region to whole wide webby world.

Check us out! We aint no second best no more to them irradiated billies down in Tennessee, buggin' the TVA about their nucular plants no more!

We be the proudest bunch of inbred mountain folks in the union these days, mercy me, thanks to that fancy little Mermaid and her tech-know-logical savvy.

Check us out then drop her a kindly word of praise and thanksgiving for bringing the attention of the whole goshdiggitydarn US of ****in' A to our backwater chain o' mud holes at long, long last! Praise be!

(Note: after checkin' out the spankin' new Allegheny Mountain Masters official USMS site, you can send Mermaid a kindly word by clicking here:

I honestly wish you would, cause she worked real hard without no money, and as a selfish person myself, I gotta say the folks who give back gotta be encouraged for their good works, cause the rest of us don't want that well runnin' high and dry.)

--Jim Bob, your landlocked seafood lover who's bout to have his house taken over by the Internal Revenuers and will be in necessity of all the kindness of strangers he can squeeze outa 'em his ownsef.

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Updated March 10th, 2009 at 10:59 PM by jim thornton



  1. Kurt Dickson's Avatar
    cute...kinda like huck finn meets deliverance.
  2. tjrpatt's Avatar
    Jim, It's an improvement from the old site but you barely see the words with the water background.
  3. 's Avatar
    I hope this doesn't come off as insulting but this is the best post in this vlog so far.
  4. jim thornton's Avatar
    Shucks, girl! You got yerself some billy blood in ya, doncha? Our hollers up here aint all that disconnected from your hollers down Hotlanta way. We like to catch ournselves some fat old catfish with a fist down their gullets, and make them city folks yell sooey like fat ol' pigs, just like you folks! Hell, if'n we were cousins, CreamPuff, I'd just about ignore that husband of yourn and ask you out on a country date. Meet me in the mine shaft, and bring the blanket and jar o' bear grease!

    You sure we ain't cousins?
  5. 's Avatar
    Pretty sure we aren't related. I have Aztec blood so I'll be bringing the duct tape and sacrificial knife to the shin dig.

    Quote Originally Posted by jim thornton
    You sure we ain't cousins?
  6. jim thornton's Avatar
    You are related to the Aztecs through your Aguirre The Wrath of God Nordic ancestors?

    Or do you mean by "I have Aztec blood" that you extracted some from beggars during a recent trip to Central America?

    Either way, the prospect of duct tape and a sacrificial knife does not in any way unnerve me.

    I have been waiting my whole life to be dispatched to perdition by the likes of you, Kristina, Goddess of the Ending and agent of the Great Resting Reward.